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How would you feel if...?

How would you feel if your toddler was in the hospital and every day during the week you were there with your toddler AND your DH/SO dropped off your infant so he can go to work. It's ok because you're the mother and that's what needs to be done when you don't have a babysitter. But when the weekend comes, instead of help you get someone who asks you how upset you'd be if they went and played church softball. You told them EXACTLY how upset you'd be AND why. Yet they go and do it anyway.

How would you feel knowing that you NEEDED their support and their help but they chose to play ball? And making it worse they did it regardless of how you felt about it. (His "reason" - "What? You would rather they forfeit the game while I just sit here?") And added to this he thinks I'm supposed to have sex with him even though he's proved that other people are more of a priority? It's takes TIME to heal a broken heart. =(

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:09 AM on Aug. 4, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I can say with 100% certainty that this would never happen with my husband. He's a healthcare professional and takes parenting seriously. However, if it did happen, I would be set to kill. I'm assuming this is his child who is in the hospital? Grrrrr........


    Sit him down and tell him you need a clear 50/50 split of responsibility right now with the child. You absolutely cannot be expected to do this on your own. If he still doesn't get it, show him the door. Sounds harsh, but if he's like this in a crisis (and a hospitalized toddler IS a crisis) then, really, what good is he? Why would you want to spend your life with someone so selfish? For better or worse, mama.

    goddessmonica

    Answer by goddessmonica at 10:23 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • men and women think differently. Men know kids will always be taken care of in the hospital; so their obligation to the team is priority. I know it sucks but that's the way they think.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:12 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • You are exhausted from your week. You husband should have helped instead of going off. I would have told my husband that I was exhausted and needed a break. If he didn't get the message, I'd have gone on to tell him that he needs to step up to the plate at home instead of on the church league and to be a husband and father.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 10:16 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • Bmat, he's been told this. He doesn't care. He always gives everyone else what they need. He's always makes sure to accommodate others while we are here "lingering". I feel it's because he knows I'm not going anywhere so what does he have to lose. But quite frankly I'm getting sick of being put on the back burner. ESPECIALLY when our child is in the hospital. To me that's a slap in the face to myself and to our kid.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:20 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • I don't see it as a slap in the face. I see it as he thinks you are so efficient at caring for the kids that you don't really need him. I hope that doesn't come out negatively but many women do this. They do it all and the men think there is no real need for them to step in so they just keep on with their own interests.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:25 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • I wanted to add that we teach people how to treat us. If you allow someone to put you on the back burner, that is indeed where you will remain. Put a stop to it TODAY.

    goddessmonica

    Answer by goddessmonica at 10:25 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • People don't like to be dictated to, especially by a spouse. Perhaps it would be better to tell him that you need to talk with him. Sit at the kitchen table with some coffee and cookies after the children are in bed. Start by saying how much you love him and respect him, that you know how hard he works to support the family. Tell him that you are shaking from exhaustion because of your child being in the hospital and ask him if he would help you come up with a solution for the exhaustion. He may say hire somebody- if so ask him if you have enough money and so forth. Or he may suggest that he helps. Address only the present issue, do not bring up any history of not helping or so forth, only the one issue- it's all many men can manage. Help him save face by showing that you respect him and appreciate him.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 10:31 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • Bmat, (I'maddressing you because I'm specifically responding to you). After 2 years of begging and finally getting pissed enough about this incident he FINALLY got someone to help me out. She's been here 3 times. It is a big help and relief for me and my sanity. But I'm still very angry that he stood us up in the hospital for a freakin' softball game and after HE ASKED how I'd feel about it. Eventually I'll just move on but he really made me mad this morning asking if I'm ever gonna make love to him after he has crushed my heart over and over for the last 4 years. Yes, I know I apparently let him because I'm still here. I try to forget things and move on but it's very difficult when he continues to do stuff like this. And our toddler being in the hospital just completely topped it off.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:44 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • I think the answer would be entirely different depending on whether or not he was in fact married to you. If you are married, that means he has made vows, and a wife can hold her husband accountable to the vows that he has made. If he is not your husband, even though you have children with him, he has not made vows to you, and you therefore have no grounds on which you can hold him accountable. While the feelings experienced could be exactly the same--abandonment, lack of caring, insensitivity--your options for handling it are not the same. If he is your husband, tell him how his not being with you makes you feel, and be very specific and careful not to accuse him of being a bad person. Then tell him that when he married you, he made vows to honor, cherish, or whatever else you said in your vows. Then tell him that by leaving you alone, he is not honoring those vows. Then you can set consequences.

    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:47 AM on Aug. 4, 2009

  • Eventually I'll just move on but he really made me mad this morning asking if I'm ever gonna make love to him after he has crushed my heart over and over for the last 4 years. Yes, I know I apparently let him because I'm still here. I try to forget things and move on


    Anon, I don't know why I'm getting emotionally vested in this, but WHY on earth are you putting up with this? He had the nerve to ask you for intimacy when you're exhausted, upset and stressed out over the toddler in the hospital? What are you doing, mama? You've got to be stronger than that. And men are, in fact, capable of understanding more than we give them credit for. Some women act as if they are idiots when it comes to emotions and understanding. Like we can't expect too much from them. Give me a break. Men are capable of thinking, feeling and understanding just like we are.

    goddessmonica

    Answer by goddessmonica at 11:00 AM on Aug. 4, 2009