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I realize now (after 6 years of marriage) that my husband wasn't ready to tie the knot. He's been so cranky since we had children and puts NO effort into our marriage! How can I live with him and make our house a happy home?

He's a good provider and good father, but sucks as a husband. He's not abusive or anything, but just puts NO energy into us. He would never divorce me or cheat, but would live like this forever. Any advice? And I would like not to break up our family. Thanks! :(!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:09 PM on Aug. 5, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • GET COUNSLING SO YOU CAN DEAL WITH HIM. My hubby puts a little effort, he is trying more this year, but be sure to keep your self and kids happy. Just a quick question, would you want your daughter to marry someone like him? Kids do as they see. I am in counsling with my family and alone. LORD KNOWS I NEED IT, WITH A TEEN AND A NUTTY HUSBAND. LOLOL
    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 2:12 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • If it's a bearable situation then just adapt to it. A lot of men are crappy husbands but women live with them and make things work. It's like living with a room mate. I would ask him what you are supposed to do about your needs and see what he says. If it gets too bad then you know you can always leave. I lived with my x for a while after our divorce and we even got along a lot better. Sometimes setting the boundaries helps. We lived our own lives but we didn't bring home other people to disrespect the other.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:15 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • Yes, it feels like I'm living with a roommate. After the kids go to bed we are in our own separate spaces and this cycle repeats everyday. He says that after work he has no energy for us. And he has in the past told me that I'm the one who wanted to get married. I kinda knew that some marriages were like this, but I guess the realization that this is what my marriage is..is difficult and sad. I want more. But it is bearable. On the outside, people think he is the best. I just thought he would give more. He's like I work and help out with the kids...that's all I got. And he thinks its good enough.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • im sorry.im kinda in the same boat as you tho.i really dont wanna break up the family..i want my daughter to have both parents around all the time..but the pp said "would you want your dd to marry someone like him?" that got ME thinking..but i guess if its bearable then live with it. im reallly trying to make things work with us...well i guess i dont have any real advice except never forget who YOU REALLY are and good luck:)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:35 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • I was in a very similar situation with my ex and I feel for you - it's a very lonely life. I'm sorry and good luck with whatever you decide.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 2:41 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • I know you probly don't want to hear this but... you might be better off getting a divorce. Kids can sense when you are unhappy and in the long run it will effect your children in some way. Both you and your dh is unhappy and it's not fare to the both of you. If you two are willing to work something out like living close so the kids can see the both of you whenever they want the whole family benifits from it. And your able to find someone who will love you and spend time with you. And your dh can make himself happy. I don't know the whole story and i could be wrong but whatever happens i hope your happy
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:43 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • I was in the exact same situation...I'm going through a divorce now. I hated being miserable all the time and my child was miserable too. Good luck to you. Funny thing, I thought that my husband would never cheat too but as soon as I left he had other women answering the phone at "our" home and it's been that way ever since. He says that she's just a roomate helping to pay the bills. Yeah, like I believe that. I also don't believe that they just got that close (that she was able to move into my home) since I left less than a month ago. I can't get this divorce finalized fast enough. When a man stops caring, you better believe that there is something else going on... or someone else that he's caring about. My husband doesn't even try to find out how his son is doing since we've been gone.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:29 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • Counseling.

    Someone other than you telling him that he needs to put an effort into the marriage as well. That with just a little energy and effort, your marriage can be unbelieveably happy...

    Cavalrybaby02

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 3:37 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • "7-year itch" is something that everyone goes thru. You are looking at your life like, "Is this it? Is this the best it's going to be?" Raising kids drains the energy out of both of you. He is working to provide for his family. You are the nurturer. You both probably need to find some time together, date night, remember why you got together. All marriages have ups & downs. I always tell my DH that when I'm "down" he'd better be "up"! LOL! There has to be a balance! Is every day going to have you feeling like Cinderella? No. But, it you hang in there, it will benefit you & the kids in the long run. Me & DH have been together over half of our lives. There is nobody who knows me like he does. He does everything he can to make our lives better. But it wasn't always that way. We had some hard times early on. If you look for negative, you'll see it. Start looking for the positives, and your situation will improve. Good luck!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:37 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • PS-He's obviously thinking the same thing with comments like "you wanted to get married." He eats, sleeps, works, and comes home. He's doing it every day. So make a conscious effort to improve your marriage. Watch the movie "Fireproof" with no kids around (with or w/o him.) You will see that your delimma is very common. What is uncommon is putting the effort into re-kindling your romance. You have a history with this person and you have stated that he's a good dad. Hang in there, it will get better.

    PS-I have a friend who used to journal every time her DH ticked her off. They were headed to divorce. She ditched that journal and started writing down EVERY good, nice, kind, thoughtful, (and at first she REALLY had to stretch it, LOL!) thing he did for her or the kids. Whenever they were having trouble, she'd read all the good stuff, it got her thru all the down times. It's been almost 20 years. Don't give up yet!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:45 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

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