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should i tell her? and if i do how do I? and when do I ?

I am a 24 year old mother of a beautiful 2yr old girl who lights up my life. how she came to be is kinda hard to talk about. lets just say it wasn't consensual. everyone told me it would be OK if i had an abortion or gave her up for adoption but I couldn't. when I had her i instantly fell in love. and as for the "sperm donor"...I moved out of the state where he is. the problem is I don't know if i should tell her. I met my husband when she was 3 months old. he accepted her and myself before he even knew how i got pregnant. he knows now. but it doesn't matter to him because as far as he is concerned she is his daughter in every way. he is the best father in the world and I don't know if i should tell her that he isn't her real father or not. I don't want to hurt her if i do tell her. and i don't want her to resent me if i don't and she finds out someday. and what age should she be if i do? what if i wait till shes an adult?


Asked by Anonymous at 6:39 PM on Aug. 5, 2009 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • maybe just treat it as a general mention throughout her life. That this man loveyou and her so much that he married both of you or however you want to put it. I would kinda of have it been part of her general/incidential knowledge that her dad is not her biological dad (why? b/c you never know why/how she may find out one day and she would then feel betrayed and as if it was a big secret). If its just part of her general knowledge from the beg. then when she asks about her dad ... he's gone, he was never part of our lives until she is a teen.
    in the past people could keep this type of thing under wraps for ever -- now a days w/dna test, knowledge about blood types and genetics (which is basic educ. in Middle/H.S.) its too easy for the secret to get out. So .... why not just avoid the whole secrecy issue??

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:11 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • Well I don't thik I'd tell her ANYTIME soon if you do decide to tell her. If you are as happy with your Husband as you seem to be then maybe things are better left unsaid...or atleast wait until she's an adult

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:43 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • You tell her when you think its necessary (teen or older Of course) You dont have to tell the circumstances but there may come a point in her life that she will need to know maybe for blood or medical reasons. Your husband is a good man for loving you and her and taking her as his own and I dont think it will change how she feels about her daddy. You let it be your choice if you want to tell her how it happened and I think you are a good strong lady for going through what you did and keeping the baby instead of aborting her.

    Answer by heavenlypeace at 8:11 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • I am of course not in the situation so I can't say for sure what i would or would not do but I would like to think that I would tell her as soon as she was old enough to grasp the concept. i would start slow with ___is not your bio father but he is your daddy. Then move on to the details as she grows older and more mature and ready to handle the whole story. Only you would know when those times would be. Good luck and I am so in awe of your strength and ability to pull through for her. She should appreciate it to when she is old enough.

    Answer by But_Mommie at 9:15 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • I don't think you need to tell her how she was concieved but I don't think it would be right for her to live her life thinking that your husband is her father. Medically and emotionally, it's her right to know. But I think that you should tell her when she is older, but not too old to get completely upset and angry.

    Answer by BaisMom at 9:32 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • I would tell her. You will know when the time is right... when you BOTH are ready for it. It's not going to be an easy conversation for either of you.

    Answer by cat1622 at 9:37 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • yes you should tell her I am a "rape baby" and when I found out I was devestated not because of how I was concieved but because my mom and "dad" lied to me for so long about it. If you want to send me a message and I will tell you my story. Its long and a little screwed up but it might help.

    Answer by lovemybabys1106 at 9:53 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • I had an answer picked out, and I erased it 4 times. Because even though I thought they were good answers, they required some contrasting, terrible explanation. One would make your dd think she was a painful memory of a terrible event in her mother's life, another (a lie) would make you look like a slut to your dd, which also isnt true or good. And anything else just isnt believeable. The only down side to you not telling her anything that I can think of, is if she somehow finds out on her own, and gets mad at you for not telling her. Which I'm sure she'll quickly get over and understand why you didn't. I let the deciding factor be my husband, and he said NOT to ever tell her.God forbid, even if she needed an organ, would you really want her to meet him to get it, even if you could find him? Somethings ARE best left unsaid.

    Answer by mumma28 at 9:59 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • Wow, what hard question this is. I just want to say that I think you are so brave to turn away the advice that you were given before your beautiful daughter was born. Just keep giving her the happy and loving up bringing that you have provided so far and worry about the rest as it comes. I have always been of the thinking that a child is old enough for an honest answer when she's old enough to ask a question.

    Have you seen the movie Waitress? Your question reminded me of it. The woman is married to a controlling immature jerk. She gets pregnant and the whole movie is about her hating the fact that she is pregnant by this man that she was going to leave. The movie ends when her baby is born and none of it matters, she is so in love with her baby that the rest of the world melts away and she is in absolute bliss. Check it out if you get a chance.

    Answer by beckcorc at 10:16 PM on Aug. 5, 2009

  • Eventually, you need to tell her but not right now. You and your SO need to be the ones to tell her, not some snippy relative or she hear it from others talking. You don't have to go into detail, just tell her that her father is someone you knew a long time ago and it didn't work out and her dad is the man that is raising her and loves her very much.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:18 PM on Aug. 5, 2009