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am i too tough?

I have a 3 and a half year old stepson. And it seems that i'm definitely more strict than my hubby. The problem is, it seems like he doesnt agree with some of my rules, that i think are reasonable, but to him, not. he puts our son in OUR bed in the morning while DH is getting ready for work. I told him he doesnt need to be sleeping in our bed. he thinks that its ok cuz its daytime. but is tellin ds that its ok to go back to sleep there. i say he needs to go back to bed. or if he really wants to watch tv go to the living room.
next thing, he gives DS a lot of sweet tea. he doesnt want him to drink soda but really isnt that just as bad?
a lot of times that DS acts up DH just says he's being silly. so what happens? our boy laughs and that is not ok. i know hubby and his parents have tried to "make up" for his mom not bein around but but really! he's not being helped to grow up. its super frustrating.


Asked by AmandaN1 at 9:17 AM on Aug. 6, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (11)
  • he's probably just trying to get the two of you to bond more,make the boy feel like you are more his stepmom,than an outsider. His intentions are well-meant, even if he's not going at it the right way. I suggest the 3 of you sit down,and discuss this,and figure out what's gonna be best for all sides. There is always a way to compromise,but everyone, even the 3 year old needs to be on board,and no it's not too young to start! Best wishes to you,and I will be praying it all works out!

    Answer by stvmen88 at 9:25 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • I can understand where you are coming from. My DH and I went round and round on this for years. He felt I was too easy on my 2 kids from a previous marriage,and I felt he was too rough. Truth of the matter was, I was trying to make up for their home breaking up,and he was trying to establish himself as a parental authority in their lives, which is the right thing to do,as long as it's not taken too far. I realize now, when I'd intervene, or do things against him, such as what your DH seems to be doing, I was just sabatoging what should have been a pretty simple transition. It's a very fine line to walk,and I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. The best thing I can tell you, from years of experience with this is, pick your battles! Some are just not worth the headache and heartache. Ok, he gives the boy sweet tea. Unless his teeth are falling out,and he's climbing the walls,it's probably not that bad. As for the bed.

    Answer by stvmen88 at 9:24 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • I really hate to be so critical and brutally honest but you posted the situation here and want honest non sugar coated answers...
    My kids now 7 yo, come into my room every morning and give us hugs and watch tv and fall asleep back in our beds.. it's the best ritual and i see it slowly fading with their age. Your DS is not sleeping in your bed at night so what is the problem of having him there in the morning. I think that the bonding issue is missing from not being his birth mother. Sorry.
    As for the sweet tea, yeah, people have different opinions on that matter. I wouldn't worry over it, just when you give him a drink, give him milk to compensate.
    I don't know what you mean by act up but don't make your DH chose sides on who's right. Boys tend to be more roudy and have to let off the adrenaline.

    Answer by mschanng at 9:26 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • I think the whole sleeping in the bed thing is not that big of a deal. Hate to say it, but it he were your bio son, & not your step son, you probably would not mind as much. Some of my favorite times are when DD crawls in my bed in the morning to snuggle, & when i get up i will allow her to watch TV in my bed. It's a comfort thing. And also, he is not that old. If you said he was 8-9 years old & getting in your bed i might agree. But he is only 3 1/2, & he needs that comfort & love from both of you.

    Yes, sweet tea is almost as bad. At least tea has antioxidants in it though, it's not healthy, but soda is actually a lot worse & it has a lot more sugar in it, than what most people put in their sweet tea.

    How is he acting up? There is not much detail there, so it's hard to tell whether he is really misbehaving or not. Maybe some kind of detail would help there. Be patient w/ the boy, all he needs is love.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:29 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • No I don't think you are being too tough! However you and DH may need to discuss your feelings towards it and see if you can work out a common ground! Communication is Key!

    Answer by Rebecca727 at 9:30 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • So the childs mom is not in the picture? the child live's with you and his Dad?
    You and the childs Dad should sit down and deside how you are going to raise this child. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to raising children.

    Answer by louise2 at 9:33 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • my son also 3 1/2 sleeps in his own bed but in the morning when he gets up will come down stairs and eaither play with his cars ( hes not quiet about it lol ) or he will climb in bed with me and i will put the cartoons on so least i get to lay there and wake up verse haveing to jump out of bed eaither at 7 am or 6 am, him just relaxing in bed with me watching max and ruby gives me time to actully open my eyes and wake up.. he knows were his bed for the tea show dh the sugar in it and then show his sugar in a soda have him compair seeing is beleaving..say how about we give him milk with a LITTLE strawbeey surup or choc surup..but not alot..i dont know about your ss but mine is off the walls with energy till its bedtime ( which is alway 8pm ) my son is go go go, my dd wasent this my son is more roudy. it must be a boy thing...and im tired and could use a nap more then him lol..

    Answer by tabbys4 at 9:39 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • also want to add its a team effort to raise a child ( when there are 2 parents )

    Answer by tabbys4 at 9:40 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • I think you guys need to wait until the kids are in bed and talk it out. You really need to get on the same page. It might be a good idea to make some concessions, him cuddling with you in the morning is okay, but your husband needs to back you up when it's time to discipline. You both have very valid points. I agree with you about the iced tea too, it has caffeine in it and could be making him act out more.

    Good luck!

    Answer by beckcorc at 10:21 AM on Aug. 6, 2009

  • I think a lil of my post was cuz i needed to vent. to add some detail. its not so much that he's there to watch tv he brings him in and says to go back to sleep. if it was just hangin out in the morning no problem. i also have an 8 month old lil boy and have worked hard as well to have him sleep in his own bed through the night.
    i know the tea isnt that big of a deal, that might have been part of the vent. we substitute for other drinks and he gets the tea at night. guess it was to just show a silly thing we cant agree on.
    now the acting up, its just when dad gets home that it gets worse. isay no toys on the dinner table (ss ikes to bury toys in food, and its way too messy). DH gets on computer and i sit in kitchen for a full min watching while ss plays with his toys and wont eat. so i have to come back in and say something again. i guess i feel like i'm nagging, and the last thing i want is ss to think i'm mean.

    Answer by AmandaN1 at 4:42 PM on Aug. 6, 2009