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My friend is upset with me. She thinks I was denigrating her special needs children. How can I fix this?

My friend has 3 special needs children. I am pregnant with my 4th and have been stressing about all the testing my docs want to do. My friend asked me what I would do if one of the tests came back positive. I said I wasn't sure but I would consider terminating the pregnancy because I don't think I would be financially or emotionally able to care for a child with special needs. I was thinking about her children, two of who need around the clock care. I was also thinking of a previous job where I worked with 2 special needs kids and went home physically and emotionally drained at the end of the day, barely able to spend quality time with my own kids. My friend got angry and left, even though I tried to explain that I was not judging or putting down her DDs (my god kids). I have not heard from her in a week. I was just honestly answering her question but I admit I should have thought before I spoke and considered my words better.

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:03 AM on Aug. 7, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • I think you will have to contact her, she prob wont call you first. I think you should tell her that you see a strength in her that you dont think you have. Tell her you are scared and if you had to walk into her shoes today that your first instinct is too run from the problem cause you just dont think you have it in you to do what she does everyday. IDK something like that to build up what she does. Tell her you are sorry adn you didnt think before you spoke and you honestly dont know what you would do if you had to face that decision.

    Answer by ria7 at 11:07 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • Perhaps drop her a letter or email explaining that you did NOT mean that you wish her dd's weren't around, but rather that you just don't know if you have the same strength and resolve that she has. That you see how demanding special needs children are and you just don't know if you could do the child the justice they need. Turn it around to be a compliment to her ability to will make her feel appreciated and respected. Good Luck!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:09 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • yep u stuck ur foot in ur mouth but ur friend shouldnt have asked u the question if she wasnt able to hear the in the same boat as u im preg with my #2 and b/c of the meds i was on theres a chance of nuerological damage and teh new med they want to put me onhas a rare chance of a heart defect that the baby cant live with and we wont find out about the defect intill 20 weeks...i to have a friend with speacial need child and my newphew is a speacial needs child i dont honsetly think i could handle careing for a speacial needs on top of handleing my ss and dd at teh same time...will i abort probably not but my life sure wouldnt be a bowl of peaches anymore

    Answer by rainmommy at 11:09 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • I understand how you feel. I don't think I could handle it if my children were handicapped. My daughter has ADHD and possibly Autism. I would try to reapproach your friend and try to explain to her your feelings. Keep in mind parents of handicapped children are sensitive and need to handle them with care. Also, God doesn't give you anything you can't handle and remember a baby doesn't asked to brought into this world. Good luck!

    Answer by fireangel0310 at 11:09 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • I might be upset too if I were her.To her you were basically telling her that all of her efforts aren't worth it. Or that her kids aren't worth it. Either way, to fix this, you will have to apologize, but you'll more than likely have to contact her like PP said.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:10 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • to fix the problem u can start with a apoligy and explain that to take care of a speacial child it take a speacial mom and u think she does a great job at it

    Answer by rainmommy at 11:10 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • well I think you spoke the truth. That's commendable. If she took offense to your opinion then she is small minded. Some ppl can deal with things and some can't. She's amazing that she can and you are amazing for knowing you can't.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:12 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • Op- here. I want to fix the problem but I need to stay true to myself as well. I don't feel like I should apologize. I have nothing to apologize about, because i didn't insult her or her kids. I answered her question about my feelings. I was thinking more about how to start a dialog with her. Some of you have great suggestions. Thank you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:16 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • I understand what you mean...i dont know if i could handle a child with special needs right now....MYSELF though i would deal with it....but i know not everyone can handle the amount of stress and energy it would take...i would never bash someone for wanting to abort thier child or give it up for adoption for that reason...its thier for your friend....give her time, she was probably hurt but doesnt understand the comment wasnt aimed at were just stating how you felt!

    Answer by blueeyedgrl2377 at 11:17 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

  • If she wasn't prepared for any possible answer then she should not have asked you. I can understand your decision and choice completely. That is something each mother has to think about. Not every pregnancy goes as planned. We all want healthy babies but that isn't always what we get. She should not condemn you for your choice.

    It's bold and courageous for you to realize your limits now. Some people are not so fortunate. They think they could raise a special needs kid and once they see how hard it is each day, it consumes them and they drown, emotionally. I have a special needs child and while his is not debilitating it is stressful.

    You can apologize and see if she listens. If she doesn't then that is on her, you tried to make amends. If she does then take it one day at a time.

    Answer by lilbit022009 at 11:18 AM on Aug. 7, 2009

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