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Their daddy isn't their Biodad. When should I tell them?

I currently have three children. A 5yr, 3yr, and 1yr old, each of them have a different father. When I got pregnant at 17 my first childs father was not ready to grow up. But we have always remained friend even though I moved far away. I got pregnant with my now 3yrs old and 3 months into my pregnancy he told me he has been cheating on me and got some other girl pregnant at the same time. He pops in and out of the 3yr olds life for a few weeks every year. My 1yr old's father decided to move out of state even before the baby was born because he couldn't live without being in a relationship with me. He still tries to be in the childs life. But there really isn't much that he does. None of them pay child support. My 5yr olds dad has visited quite a bunch over the part 3 years and has moved across country to be closer and try to make a family work with everyone. My 3yr old calls him Daddy because my 5yr old does. ....cont....

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:25 AM on Aug. 8, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (18)
  • And I am sure that when my 1yr old starts to learn to talk he will follow suite. When do I actually bring it up and let the younger two know that the person whom they call dad isn't their blood? The 3yr old has had her bio father come over to the house but she just calls him by his first name. I don't know what exactly capaticity my 3yr olds brain will be able to understand and process this type of information. What does everyone else think is a good time? Anyone else have to go through this? I really don't want my 3yr old and my 1yr old to feel like they were lied to or cheated out of something when their bio fathers chose not to be around. Should I wait until they are both older? Their baby books have their bio fathers name and family history in it. So I'm not hiding it. But I don't want the kids to also make comments like "Oh you're not my father" or to have my elders tell the younger two to get their own dad. ....cont....

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:26 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • I didnt know until I was 19! Im not my dads neither is my brother or my sister!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:26 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • It's so complex when it involves more than one child. I don't want anyone singled out. Any advice? Answers? Please help!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:28 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • As soon as they can talk. Don't have them confused.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:28 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • Ummm....YESTERDAY! My daughter is adopted (by both myself and my husband) and it is highly recommended that you not have a time when you sit down and "break the news" to them. They should have it like they always knew they were adopted so that it is as normal to them as anything else. I can't see how that should be any different with step-parents.

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 1:29 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • It depends on how this man feels about the rest of your kids calling him Daddy. If he doesnt mind, explain to your kids that he is not THEIR Daddy but your oldest is willing to share and they can call him whatever they want to. Tell them that their own Daddies are far away and offer to help them write letters as it sounds like their real dads arent ENTIRELY removed.
    Remind them that you love them and they will always have you and eachother.

    Answer by jenellemarie at 1:33 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • My son's biological father is not my husband's. My husband knows this. His name is on my son's birth certificate. I chose not to tell the bio father because he was a dead beat and was not ready to be a father. Our discussed policy is that we will only tell him if he asks. I want nothing to do with my ex and I do not want him near my son. I don't trust him at all. That was our decision and we're happy with it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:37 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • as soon as they can speak and understand words, is when they should know! That is when I knew that I was adopted and as an adult now, I would be highly pissed off if it were any later in my life!

    Answer by truthteller0722 at 2:29 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • anon will he even know to ask? that is just stupidity on your part! He will most likely resent you when he finally finds out on his own (if he ever does). It should not matter what type of person his bio father is and most likely will not matter to your son, as long as he grows up with a loving and supportive family! What more could a child need or want? Yes, at some point close to adulthood he may want to know his father. But as a child, just being reassured that the adults you have contact with everyday love, care and support you is enough! I know from experience!

    Answer by truthteller0722 at 2:38 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

  • I would tell them immediately. I really don't think that the three year old should have ever been allowed to call him Daddy in the first place. It's really unfair to her, not to mention the father of your 5 year old. Why should he have to feel the need to play Daddy to a child that's not his? It's not like he married you and agreed to be a step-father. I realize at 3 it's hard to explain that this man she has been calling Daddy is not really her father, but she's obviously going to realize one day and the longer it goes on the more traumatic it will be for her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:29 AM on Aug. 8, 2009

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