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my husbands past affair

I have asked him every question about his affair, and yet i see myself wondering how it started again. I mean i know he cheated on me (fooling around but no sex) the night he told me he was leaving me but i cant help but wonder how it all started. I mean did he have feelings for her for a long time? were they flirting at work? this affair ended 2 years ago, we were seperated because of it for 7 months and we are doing well, do i have a right to bring it up again after all this time? do you think i should just keep these thoughts to myself? they started coming to me in dreams and now they haunt me....


Asked by stefirose22 at 8:39 AM on Aug. 9, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (8)
  • There is a very fine line here. You have the right to answers, and to have your worries laid to rest, and he owes you the courtesy and your marriage the respect of honest answers, and he needs to do this patiently. He might feel frustrated, because he wants to put this all behind you and move on, but he has to allow you to go through this process, and it sounds like you haven't done this yet, at least not completely.

    But on the other hand, once you have answers, you need to stop obsessing over it, because either you are choosing to forgive, in which place, again, once you have answers, you need to move on, or you can't, and you need to end things.

    I would strongly suggest a counselor (sometimes they will work on a slide pay scale if money is an issue, or talk to a Pastor), to help you figure out if you're at the still needing answers and closure point or the put it behind you and move on point.

    hang in there - gl!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:55 AM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • Why did you take him back? He will cheat again I don't care if he swears on his DICK he will cheat again. Once a cheater always a cheater cause he knows you will take him back for whatever reason. This is way it keeps coming up cause deep down inside you know it just as well as anyone else thats been cheated on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:45 AM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • I don't necessarily agree that he will cheat again. People can change. My husband also cheated on me about a year and a half ago. We almost divorced because of it. I still bring it up because it is hard to not think about it. I know you want to know but then again you really don't. From personal experience, it seems the more it's brought up the worst things could eventually get. If you took him back after the fact then you gotta let go. I know it's hard for me to still but I find that it helps to talk to someone about everything. I tried and discuss my feeling about everything with my friends so atleast then I get it all out.

    Answer by girlsmomma06 at 8:49 AM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • people do not change, as my exh said "cheating is a character flaw" those who believe they can change a person are seriously wrong and are in for a world of pain. I learned after marrying my exh that he had a pattern of cheating, he would marry get her to move and leave family, have a child with wife, cheat while the baby still young, she would kick him out, divorce, he'd marry his mistress, move to a different state and start again, he's going on his sixth wife soon, poor woman just does not see it and will likely end up the same. I feel bad for her but she believes she can change him...... many have tried and failed, she will too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:06 AM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • that is bullshit.. my hubby cheated on me and i did it back to him 9 years ago and we both have been faithful since so no not once a cheater always a cheater... maybe if the relationship dont change and you both better yourselves and the relationship it happens again and again, circumstantial situations, so no once a chat always a cheater not always true! i have no interest in cheating ever again neither does he..

    Answer by anarose26 at 9:11 AM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • WOW! Just because one woman has a shitty man that can't keep it in his pants does not mean every man will continue to do the same. Everyone does somehing really stupid in their lives. Some more stupid than others. There is something people say about learning from your mistakes. Well...some people do!!!

    Answer by girlsmomma06 at 9:16 AM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • I feel for you. My husband cheated about a week or two after our wedding and the affair carried on during my whole second pregnancy. I am pregnant again, and thats all I can think about. He was out in the same area last night and I kept wondering what he was doing, was she there, did he plan on meeting her and such. Eats me up, but I know if its been almost 2 years and I keep asking those questions that I havent gotten over it completely. I can't trust him at all. So, its time to make some hard decisions.

    Answer by Princefan6684 at 9:29 AM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • This is a hard question and obviously a controversial one at that. Everyone has an opinion and sadly, most of us have had some sort of experience in this area. For what it's worth, here is my opinion.

    If you believe in your heart that he is cheating... if you ask the tough questions and look for evidence, eventually you will find it. Personally speaking, I've learned to never ask a question that I'm not emotionally prepared to get an answer to.

    That said... I made a choice some months ago to love my man regardless of his past and to make the most of every day we have together. If HE chooses to cheat, it is NOT a poor reflection on me. It shows his weakness, NOT mine. So many times, a spouse will stray leaving the other to feel inadequate, lost and confused. Wondering all the time, "what did I do wrong?" The answer is NOTHING.

    Take 1 day at a time, find what makes you happy and work towards it - with or without him.

    Answer by grnjewels at 1:14 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

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