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How can I find a way to handle this properly?

My boyfriend gets wasted mostly on his days off but I always fear the worst. He says he drinks because he wants to die. We usually make plans and then I dont hear from him...I go crazy. I call and call and sometimes I even stop by his house to make sure he is okay...he treats me like crap cause he is drunk or hungover (thats if he even answers the door) and I usually end up crying the whole night. I know, my poor child has to see me when I am like this. I want to find a way since I already know he is going to drink to be able to handle it better so that I can live my life without it effecting me like it does. Kinda put myself in a mindset where I dont care (I will always care but where it wont effect my life and I can just make it through the day without letting it get me down) I hope this makes sense.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:23 PM on Aug. 9, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I know he will be drinking today and I wont hear from him tonight. I just want to be strong and prepared with some advice that will help me keep my head up so I can have a great night with my son.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • This guy is never going to stop. The only way to get out of this situation is to leave him. He doesn't love or respect you.
    SaraP1989

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 2:26 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • That's sad to even live a life like that. That's not love Darlin' that's co-dependence. You need to move on. He wants to die. Does that tell you something? Your love (or need to think it's love) won't make him change his mind about wanting to die. Walk away and find peace. His mental torment is affecting you. That's just wrong bc it will filter down to your children and they deserve better even if you think you don't
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:26 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • Give him the suicide hotline number and get your affairs in order and move on. This is a relationship that is harming you. You only have one life to live, so why live it like this. Find happiness in being a strong independent woman, and if some day a good man comes along who doesn't have so much baggage, then there you go, you'll be even more a winner.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 2:34 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • When I bring up us breaking up he tells me that I am giving up on him and that I dont love him. I tell him "How am I helping you out...you still drink and want to die" and he tells me that he would have been dead a long time ago if it wasnt for me sticking with him.

    Its so hard because I love him so much and I dont want to give up on him...Im so confused.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:43 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • he's not going to stop unless he does some treatment. I suppose if you want to live your life then u need to break up with him
    Dom123123

    Answer by Dom123123 at 2:44 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • This is a case of codependence. Basically, you need him to need you, and he needs you to need him. You may very well love him and care about what happens to him, but you can not be IN love with him. You are in love with the hope that someday he'll change. He's going to keep on this path, and eventually it will get worse, and he'll keep you hanging on, telling you over and over the things you've been hearing all along, that you're his life, you're his hope, you're his way out... etc. You should NEVER rely solely on someone else. Wouldn't it be nice to NOT be the ONLY person he can run to? The only way you can help him is get out of the situation because if you're not there for him to use as a scapegoat, he's going to either find another outlet, or a new way of thinking. I always felt like my ex kept doing the things he was to make me feel bad for him, sorry for him, like he was helpless, like I was his only hope. I played the
    matobe

    Answer by matobe at 3:52 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • part you're stuck in right now, and honey, let me tell you. Max told me over and over that he'd kill himself if I ever left him, he tried to OD without actually going far enough to die, just enough to scare me and end up in the hospital, but finally, when I stood up and told him how I felt, that he was tearing me apart, and that I couldn't do it anymore, he again started in to the, "You don't love me! You never did!" crap. Finally I said, "Max, I can't love you enough to make up for the hate you have for yourself. You need to love yourself before you even think about loving me. You're going to have to love yourself more for me to be able to love you for who you are, and not for what you say to me!" Of course, there were a lot of tears, and reluctantly, I had to move in with my parents. I didn't have my son then, but I guarantee you, now that I do, I wouldn't let any kind of poison like that around my relationship with my son.
    matobe

    Answer by matobe at 4:00 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • I would have been out quicker than a bolt of lightning. If he's not coming home, what difference does it make if you're there or not? The only difference is that he's got you under enough control that you'll be there when he drags his drunk behind through the doors and tell you how special you are and how glad he is to see you.

    I would get out, myself.

    If you can't, call a therapist, and arrange a consultation. If he really wants your help, he'll take any he can get. I know that sometimes people need someone to do something for them to give them the motivation to keep going. Get a babysitter for the appointment, gather the boyfriend up without telling him where you're going, and take him to see the therapist. If he gets pissy, or storms off, try to talk to him ONE MORE TIME. "This is your last chance. This is my only option, and I and my son deserve better than what you're offering us right now! So you get this worked
    matobe

    Answer by matobe at 4:06 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • out, or we're out. For good, and you can find your own way home."

    If he still refuses, or shows any kind of anger or sends you any guilt, rebuke it! And by all means, tell him you're deathly serious.

    Because honestly, if he doesn't want the RIGHT help, he doesn't want help at all, and that just proves that is his way of keeping you around.

    Wouldn't it serve him better to be nice, thoughtful, reliable, dependable, honest, faithful, and courteous? Would you not love him more? Would you not be more comfortable in the relationship? He needs to figure out why it is that he has to treat you this way to "make you stay." instead of it being a choice to stay.

    Good luck to you, honey! My prayers are with you for strength and wisdom and protection!
    matobe

    Answer by matobe at 4:11 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

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