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Would you tell him?

Here's the situation....not looking for anyone's opinions on the situation itself....just on the actual question of whether to tell him or not.

My SO is in jail. He went in mid-June.....and just before that, in May, I had thought I was pregnant. Well, I had started my period, or so I thought, and told him I wasn't pregnant....but I just recently found out that I miscarried early on in the pregnancy, which, as it turns out, was the explanation for my extremely irregular and abnormal period.

My question is should I tell my SO? Or should I leave it well enough alone?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:16 PM on Aug. 9, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • If you think he would be empathetic and give you moral support on your loss then tell him. If not, then I wouldn't but you shouldn't deal with your loss on your own. My condolences


    Answer by admckenzie at 11:21 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • I think it depends on a couple of things. I think you should tell him, because it's his child and he has the right to know. But how and when depends on if you two are still together.

    If you aren't, then I think you could write him a letter - a nice one - saying something like, "I understand we aren't together anymore, but I think you have the right to know that I was wrong, I was pg. I miscarried the baby. I thought you should know, since the baby was your child, too."

    If you are still together, then I would tell him on the phone or in person, because, again, he has the right to know, but he's probably going to be much more concerned about how YOU are doing with it than he would be if you weren't together, and this way you guys can talk about it and you can re-assure him about how you're doing, comfort each other over the loss of your child, etc.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:25 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • cont

    I know the circumstances aren't the same, and I'm NOT meaning this as a comment on your situation, but this is the same advice that I give to military spouses who go through a similar situation when their SO is deployed. Because if he finds out about it later and you didn't tell him, then there is a very strong chance that it can cause a LOT of trust issues and stress on your relationship, with him wondering what other major things happened that you didn't tell him. (I'm not saying that there is anything else, but he will wonder.)

    Also, I am very sorry about the loss of your baby, especially now, because I can only imagine that you are under a lot of stress and worry right now.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:28 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • Thank you sailorwifenmom. I appreciate all the advice and kind words. We are still together, and I do WANT to tell him because I think he has the right to know, and I think he would WANT to know....and I do believe that if he ever found out later he would be upset to know that I never told him. But because of the circumstances of our lives right now, I hate to tell him something that might make him more stressed out or feeling upset or depressed. But I know he cares about me, and I could use the support, even from the distance he is (we are in different states right now). Thank you again for the words and the condolences. It is definitely a strange feeling/thing to go through...even early on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:34 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • I am so sorry that you have to go through this at all, especially alone and under these circumstances. If you are wanting to tell him, but are afraid of how he will be able to handle it emotionally because he can't be there with you (I understand this feeling - whether it's jail or a deployment, if they can't be there, they can't be there...). One way I tell my dh things that are major (I haven't miscarried, but friends who have use this same sort of way with their dh's when they're deployed) is to start with re-assuring him that you're ok / or that you're hurting now, but you're better than you were and you know you'll be ok in time. Then tell him. Once you tell him, then re-assure him that while of course you wish he could be there with you in person, just being able to talk to him about it, and knowing that he loves you and cares, helps a lot, and


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:42 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

  • cont

    and that you would rather be with a man that can't be there in person but who is there emotionally and who loves you, than have a man there in person who doesn't love you and doesn't care."

    Anyway, maybe something like that could help - I know that's how I try to tell my dh about the bad things that happen when he's gone, and friends of mine do the same. It seems to make it easier to tell them, and easier for our dh's to hear it and cope with it.

    Again, I am sorry to hear about your situation, you are in my thoughts!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:44 PM on Aug. 9, 2009

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