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What should I do to make my husband see how he's hurting me?

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we have two daughters, aged 3 and 8 months. We had our first child very young (I was pregnant at 17). Our relationship has been good overall, a little rocky but I supposed that's to be expected. Here's the issue... my husband used to be a really patient, understanding guy. But lately it seems like he snaps at me every 2 seconds. He literally SCREAMS at me because I ask a question and says I'm being stupid, he'll antagonize my 3 year old, and he just generally has no patience. Then, after he goes around acting like the big man in charge, he acts like nothing happened. No apologies. Nothing. I've tried telling him that he shouldn't speak to me that way and that he should have more patience with the kids but it doesn't help. He's wearing on my self-esteem and I feel like crap all the time. I love him but I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this.... Help?

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:38 AM on Aug. 10, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Continued... I'd just like to add that he's a very hard worker, and work does stress him out. I understand that he's going to be stressed. Staying at home with the kids all day s stressful too! But anyway, it's not about that. It's about what I should say to get it through his head that I won't tolerate being spoken to that way. He even talks down to me in front of family and friends. I'm sick of feeling like this.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:40 AM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • As this is a new behavior, he may actually have a medical issue causing this behavior. Please encourage him to have a complete physical.

    Or, he may be depressed or have another emotional issue. A couples' counselor can help both of you determine why you aren't happy and how to fix it.

    Answer by rkoloms at 6:41 AM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Instead of telling him what he should or should do, try talking with him and asking him why he is acting like that. Let him know that if this keeps up your going to leave him. Try going to your parents for a few days or a week if you can to get away, and see if that helps the situation.

    Answer by vgiron at 6:41 AM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • I wonder if maybe his feelings haven't been hurt. It could be that he feels he has become second place in your life since the birth of the children. If he is feeling neglected in any way, it could have this kind of effect on him. That's not an excuse for it, but you might think about how you have changed that could have affected change in him. Problems in marriage are never 100% to 0%. There's something going on and since he seems to resent the children as well as yourself, I would suspect he feels he has been displaced in your affections, and he is not liking it. Instead of telling him how you feel, try telling him you've noticed he's a bit more stressed than usual, and then ask him what you can do to help.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:17 AM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Agreeing with rkoloms that he needs a medical workup, and after that, perhaps counseling. My first reaction after these is that he may be feeling unusual pressure at work or worry about what he considers his main purpose in life, which may be providing for his family. Some time I'd ask what you can do to help, that you've noticed that he seems stressed- perhaps when you ask him to get a physical. You are the strong one right now, the burden of helping the marriage through this rocky time seems to be on you. From the way you write, I feel that you can step up to the plate and do what is needed. Best of luck to you.

    Answer by Bmat at 9:25 AM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • blah blah blah on medical crap.....look up the word Narcissist and see if it describes him. If so and want to stay with him then read up on how to deal with a narcissist.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:17 AM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Depression could be a factor.

    Blah Blah Blah on Narcissist!

    Answer by LuvBug3 at 10:56 AM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Put a video camera in a discreet location and videotape this behavior, then show it to him in front of a neutral third party and ask him if he really thinks he's behaving like an adult.

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 11:11 AM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • You can't make people do anything that they don't want to do. The more you want from him he is more likely to push away (or that might just be me). Try stepping back and give him alittle room to breath and open up when he is ready. Or when you feel disrespected calmly tell him please don't say that it hurts me when you do that. And if he acts like he doesn't care then go seek help. Well you should try to get counseling any way.
    Yes, there r timez that u just get on each otherz nervez n u both just start callin each other namez but other than that he respects u. You c u cant put ur self down. I mean u shouldnt have to go threw this if he really luvz u then he has to respect you and try to stop this behavior, but u can pray for that to happen. Give it time but talk to him is most important.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:14 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • He may have depression. For whatever reason, it isn't because of you. Maybe he feels a lot of pressure. Maybe he feels inadequate some how. I would suggest that you stand your ground. However, do not corner him and complain about how he is being. He won't listen to that. When men are confronted with vulnerabilities they will lash out to avoid it. The best thing to do when he yells at you is to remove yourself. If he is yelling at your kids then remove them as well. Explain that while you do not know what he is so upset over the house rule is no yelling. Explain that to the kids as well. Then he can stew or he can stop. Maybe you could then go outside as a family and get some fresh air. Some times turning angst into activity is a really good balancer.

    Answer by IzzeAddy at 10:52 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

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