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never ending fight

first off, i want to make clear that i think that you people who respond to every relationship problem with: leave him- are the reason divorce rates are so high. also, i love my husband that is why i am upset about this.

when i met my husband he was the life of the party- everyone had stories about him. that is why i wanted him. suddenly though, him and i get together and he drops all of that. i am so lucky because then he shows me who he really is: the sweetest guy ever... who doesn't like sex. i love sex. i am pretty much a porn star but he begs me to understand his wishes. then i got pregnant (yeah, surprised us too) and it got even worse. i am 21 years old, only been with 2 other guys who i've hated- finally find the best of my life- marry him- haven't gotten any in 4 months. and last night he told me that he wants us to worry about being good parents more than being lovers. he's terrified to have more right now. help.

Answer Question

Asked by spazlilsister at 1:01 PM on Aug. 10, 2009 in Relationships

Level 4 (47 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Well, if he's terrified of you getting pregnat it is true that the best way to prevent that is not to have sex. But you can also be on birth control and make him wear a condom. As far as not being lovers, sit him down and explain to him that while yes you are parents, yours and his relationship is important too and him not showing you that affection can greatly impact your marriage. People need to be close with their partner..Just explain why you want sex and that you think it could/is hurting your marriage.

    Oh.. and if he's just not horney, it could be a horomone thing with him. Tell him to go to the doctor and get it checked out.

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 1:08 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Is it possible he has a medical problem with his hormones or something? Maybe he was sexually abused as a child and has an aversion to sex because of it? Either is possible.

    I suggest seeing a doctor first and then a counsellor. He may not want sex, but he's got to understand that one person doesn't make a marriage and that more than one person has needs here. Sex is an important part of it!

    You could ask him how he expects you to get your needs met if HE doesn't do it. If nothing else, it would give him something to think about...

    Good luck with this!

    Answer by rhope4 at 1:09 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • i guess i should have mentioned that we got pregnant while on birth controll and he normally pulls out as well but we think because i got him really drunk he didn't. lol. and yeah, he self diagnosed himself with e.d. but when we first got together when we were partiers he didn't have a problem... but i've gotten him vitamins that he does take everyday without me asking. he wasn't abused sexually as a child but he was abused... but it isn't like i am rough or anything.

    Answer by spazlilsister at 1:13 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Pulling out is not a form of birth control. Take him to the doctor. Especially if he already thinks he has a problem. And drinking and partying can make certain things in your body different. An erection or the ability to get one could be on of those things.

    Answer by SaraP1989 at 1:15 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Some men are just into being good people/parents and not into the physical. Just appreciate him for who he is. As for the sex, there are always toys. I'm not being a smart alec, I'm serious. I always wanted sex but my x wasn't into it either. So Iearned to take things into my own hands.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:15 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • oh i have the toys. but it lacks the emotion and the contact. i mean, i cry over this. of all the things he could be a jerk about he has to be a loyal, sweet, thoughtful, hard working, providing guy who doesnt want sex. and wants me to understand. he will understand that i need to have sex atleast once in a blue moon to feel sexy but then i feel like he is just doing it for me. which then feels like i am raping him.

    Answer by spazlilsister at 1:22 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • according to planned parent hood pulling out can be an effective form of birth control. Lots of people have used this method and not gotten pregnant.


    Answer by lady-J-Rock at 1:26 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • ok, pulling out wasn't our only form... i was on the pill and that isn't the important part. lol... i totally feel gross about this whole thing. how do i even bring up, "hey, lets go to the doctor so that i can get you horney so that we can have sex even if you don't want it and keep telling me to just drop it."?

    Answer by spazlilsister at 1:30 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Does he have any other problems? Diabetes? Take medications? There could be so many different things going on. Do you think it's possible he doesn't like sex with women? Just asking cuz it's not normal for a young guy to not want sex at all!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:43 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • If he doesn't "get" that sex is an important part of a relationship, you two need to see a counselor first... He can't tell you to just "drop it". Sexual desire is part of normal human function.

    As far as the birth control, you can do something like an IUD which is more effective than the pill and has less room for human error... Or you can keep taking the pill and use condoms as well.

    On a side note, my husband suffered from low testoserone at one point and didn't want sex. He lacked the desire because his body wasn't producing the hormones it should have been producing. Once those problems got fixed, his desire came back.

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 2:14 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

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