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my teen is controlling me!

My oldest son is 14 he is from a previous marriage and I have two boys ages 7 and 3 and a girl 2 with my husband now. My question is does anyone have a son who is a teen and tries to control them? I mean the son tries to control you. Tell you what they are going to do and to tell you what a terrible person you are if you dont give in. This can go on for hours. He is emotionally abusing me but only when my husband is not around. I want to know I am not the only one.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:55 PM on Aug. 10, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (16)
  • that didn't happen over night.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:57 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • You are right it didnt. I realize now that I have parented out of guilt.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:58 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Did he treat you respectfully before this age? If so, then it's probably normal adolescent rebellion and you need to put a stop to it immediately. If it isn't anything new and you've allowed him to treat you this way for years, then it's going to be very, very difficult to change. Perhaps you and your son need some counseling together. Good luck.
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 8:02 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • You have made an excellent observation. He knows he has you under a blanket of guilt and is manipulating the crap out of you. STOP feeling guilty. You did the best you could with him and you still are so stop feeling guilty about how he turned out. At some point, you dont get to take responsibility for his life. He has to deal with his own issues. I think my mother still feels guilty and Im freaking 32 yrs old. Its a miserable life to keep feeling guilty about adult children and their life. YOu need to seek counseling if that will help and set some boundaries with him. Regain your role as the parent and NOT the child. You have allowed him to parent you because you felt he wouldnt love you if you didnt give in. I think that youre on the right track by admitting and understanding the problem. Remember, it will get worse before it gets better. He will kick up a fuss about this but stand your ground. Be the parent and set boundary
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 8:07 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Does your husband share in the discipline? If not then it's time to include him, and he needs to back you up. If children know they can get away with it they will. You need to demand respect and set consequences when he doesn't. When your alone with him you have to be strong. If you're afraid of him don't let him know that, you're going to have to be creative. If he's going to act like a 2 yr old then you have to treat him like one. He doesn't go anywhere or do anything without you or your Husband there. No friends, no phone, no fun until he can learn that YOU are the PARENT. GL
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 8:12 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Get counselling now, ask your ped or primary for reference or call around. I have three kids, two adults, one teen. All three controlling in attempts. I take away and I do not give back once taken away. The door I've told them has always been open for them to leave and live elswhere and we'll see if other parents parent so differently from me. If your husband doesn't back you up then that is the primary problem right there. Tell your son you are going to record his mistreatment of you and your responses and your requests that initiate it and his requests that inititate his behavior. If your husband does not believe that son is this way then you and he need counselling separate from u, husband, and teen son.

    Does he see birth father? That has a lot to do with teens in divorced families.

    Think of other families u know who you respect. Ur legally allowed to set limits, have reasonable discipline for blatant disrespect.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:17 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Yeah. My daughter is 14 and she intimidates the hell out of me. How I can let her, I do not know. But she does and she has been violent more than once causing a head injury.

    She is a real controlling and coniving kid and she knows just how to get me and how to manipulate me into "BELIEVING" she is changing but she never does. I am duped over and over again. Maybe because I was a DV victim, is it the same "mentality" or something? I am not sure. But she is my kid and I don't want to give up on her but I am ready to.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • You probably already know this, but it is time to start parenting. Let him know what to expect: if he does not follow your rules, he will lose priveledges (phone, computer, TV, etc.)

    Be firm and consistent. It will not be easy, but it will get better if you hold up your side of the agreement.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 9:13 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • Nope and he never will. He can try all he wants but I AM THE PARENT and he will respect me. This didn't happen overnight, you let it happen and you are the only one who can stop it. Take EVERYTHING away from him, nothing left in his room except his bed. No clothes, electroinics, etc. He then has to earn things back, one by one. You both also need family counseling now. Sorry, but it sounds like he wasn't taught or made to respect you. This is not normal.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:14 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

  • I forgot to add, if he ever hits you, pushes you or threatens you CALL THE COPS. If you are afraid of him, that he will hurt you or the other kids, CALL THE COPS. It is not fair or safe for the other kids to be in a home where there could be violence. BTW, emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. Do not feel bad about calling the cops on a violent or out of control child, sometimes tough love works the best. This goes to the other PP that said her daughter has given her head injuries, that is not ok, you are lucky it was only a head injury and not death.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:18 PM on Aug. 10, 2009

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