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So my cousin and I had a spat over the kids...who's right/wrong?

My cousin's son and my daughter always play and she always winds up getting bit or bumped or hit by him. His Mom tells him to stop but doesn't give him consequences. She sat him in time out once and he walked away and that was it. As a result we've been teaching our daughter to hit back. At our last get together my cousin's son hit my daughter over the head 3 times with a toy. My daughter took it from his hands and hit him back causing a bump on his forehead. My cousin was horrified and angry at me for not disciplining my daughter. I told her that I had instructed her to never hit first but to hit back when hit and that I was not going to punish her for something that I taught her to do. She was even more upset at my new philosophy. I told her that the bottom line was that if she hadn't let her son continue to hit my daughter then she would not have hit him back. OPINIONS. BTW I'm anon 'cause she's also on CMom:)

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:44 AM on Aug. 11, 2009 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Answers (26)
  • your not anon I can see who you are.

    You are 100% right no if's or but's about it
    looovemybabies

    Answer by looovemybabies at 1:46 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • now I see you as anon but before it showed your name, that was weird
    looovemybabies

    Answer by looovemybabies at 1:47 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • I agree with your philosophy.
    SusieD250

    Answer by SusieD250 at 1:49 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • You are right, she is having double standers because its her own child. If she can't keep her son from hitting your dd then you dd should hit him back, its only fair. She's basically standing up for herself, if your cousin is mad about it then she can teach her son to play nice. If she doesn't teach him, now she's going to have trouble when he is in school and he starts hitting random kids.
    vgiron

    Answer by vgiron at 1:50 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • You're anon to me and you are right. Were you supposed to just let her son bully your daughter? I don't think so. It's not like you taught your daughter to start something, just to defend herself. If your cousin doesn't like it she can either learn to discipline her son, let you discipline him, or not let them play together anymore. Until then yout daughter obviousky needs to continue to defend herself and he needs to learn that he can not and will not get away with bullying.
    canadianmom1974

    Answer by canadianmom1974 at 1:50 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • I wouldn't tell my kid to hit back b/c sometimes kids do bump into or hit other kids on accident and I wouldn't want my kid going around hitting everyone, any time someone bumped into them. I also would not want to each my kids it's ok to hit others. If your cousin doesn't discipline him then why do you continue to let them have play dates together or why do you not lay down the ground rules before this happens..or put her son in time out for her? There are other options
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:51 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • I don't feel it should be my job to discipline her child. It's hard enough dealing w/ my 3. I don't want her to think it's okay to hit others...I just want her not to allow others to bully her. I taught my older son that it is never okay to hit and he went through a few years of bullying at school and even with my cousins older son. So I changed my philosophy to Never Bully but Defend Yourself if being bullied. Believe me he's a much happier child now. Kids can be cruel...and I don't want mine to be cruel. I will NOT tolerate my child being a bully. But I don't want them to be the one's that always get picked on because they're easy targets either.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:05 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • We also have a large fam. and constant get togethers. Isolating my children from her's would mean I would have to isolate them from the entire fam. and I would never do that in this instance anyway. Thanks for all of your sugg. though:)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:12 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • I know you may not really want to discipline her child, but sometimes that may become the only option. You need to stand up for your daughter, and he needs to suffer the same consequence that your daughter would, if she had hit him. I understand why you told her to hit him back, but I do not quite agree with this. Perhaps it's because I'm comfortable with gently disciplining children of close friends/family. Have a talk with your cousin and tell her that her son is hurting your daughter, and she needs to show him that it's wrong. Your daughter hitting him is only going to show HIM that hitting is okay! Yes, it hurts, but some kids do not care or grasp this concept. My brother would hit, I'd hit back, and then he'd clobber me. (This was when we were very young, of course.)
    ShadesofGrey

    Answer by ShadesofGrey at 2:19 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • yeah tell your cousin to discipline her son and you'll discipline your daughter
    pookipoo

    Answer by pookipoo at 2:30 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

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