Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Out of ideas......... got any?

My 12 daughter is chronic liar and is now cheating on her studies. I've tried grounding, taking privileges but it doesn't seem to be stop. I'm at my wits end......

It seems that she doesn't think anything is wrong with it. Even when she's caught in a lie she's make up another lie to try to cover up the first lie. She's lied about and to friends and teachers. I can't believe anything she says......
I'm not sure were she learned this from cuz I can't lie to save my life

One girlfriend suggested that I have her a write a letter to myself about cheating and lying and who is hurts. It didn't seem like she got it because all she basically wrote was that if you cheat you'll fail your SAT's and not go to the college you want and that you can go to jail. I would appreciate any advise.
Thanks

Answer Question
 
mommanature

Asked by mommanature at 3:35 AM on Aug. 11, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • she picks it up from the kids at school. Have you tried sitting down and ask her why she is doing this. Ask her what she wants for her future. Alot of kids do this to get attention, because they may feel she's not getting the attention she is wanting for you or your dh.
    vgiron

    Answer by vgiron at 7:21 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • Um, this is pretty extreme behavior and sounds compulsive. I might consider having her evaluated by a therapist. She likely needs someone to talk to that can be neutral. Then someone to help YOU understand her. Shes wanting something from you, either attention or something, but the lying has to stop. At some point its going to catch up with her. I think if youve done all you can do, then seek help. Do it now.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 7:58 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • Have her evaluated by a mental health professional, this issue sounds compulsive and she needs help overcoming it.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 11:51 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • This is a tough one. The older my kids get, the more I realize how much I feel I cannot control. I personally think one answer might be to ask her to listen to you provide examples of how it would make HER feel if you lied to her. I've gone as far as talking about things such as - what if i said I'd pick you up from school/soccer/etc. and never showed up? (lied about it) or what if I lied to your father about (examples) etc. etc. How would you ever really know if I told the truth in the future? A sophisticated Boy Who Cried Wolf examples and the big one- trust. Also, if you know of anyone in your life or her life that has lied and everyone has felt the consequences might help. I'm sure you have tried everything. You might also ask for a close friend or relative or church leader (whoever you feel would most connect/influence her) to speak with her and help mentor her/spend time with her. Good luck with this.
    OrangePeel1

    Answer by OrangePeel1 at 12:29 PM on Aug. 11, 2009


  • Given her recent history of lying, tell her that you will check out in detail the things she tells you.  Then do it.  This is the consequence of her behavior and you will do this until your faith in her is restored.  If she says she is going to a friend's, call the friend's house to verify.  If she knows that you WILL check out these details, she may not be so quick to tell a lie.  Praise her for telling the truth when she does.  When you ask her a question, tell her "think about your answer before you tell me, because it needs to be the truth".     Books on telling the truth http://astore.amazon.com/wwwcjkidzcom3-20?node=18&page=1


    momjs

    Answer by momjs at 6:02 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • everytime she lies let everyone know around her,if she lies to you and her friends are around say "you liar noone will trust you if you keep acting this way'' trust me if mom and the whole world remind her all the time she might just understand that lying doesnt fool anyone but herself.
    BUSYLOVINGHIM

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 6:34 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • have her come up with a new reason every single day for 3 months why cheating and lying are wrong, who it hurts, etc. Have her write a paragraph to explain each reason and to give an example. At the end of the 3 months, have her make an essay out of her work. That'll hammer it into her head. Another creative idea, have her make a list of 25 or so punishments for cheating and lying (but don't tell her what the list is for or she might go easy on herself). the next time you catch her in a lie, pick one of the punishments off the list.
    laadeedah

    Answer by laadeedah at 2:09 PM on Aug. 13, 2009

  • I agree with both momjs and laadeedah. Crackdown on her. Let her know that if she chooses to lie to you, then her priviledge of privacy will slowly be taken away until she can prove to you that she will change her behavior. Follow through with it, and stick with it for a while. Don't stop after one week or something of her telling the truth. It's probably not a bad idea to have phone numbers of friends' parents anyway to confirm stories since she's only 12.

    The creative punishment idea is great!
    quorleeba

    Answer by quorleeba at 12:00 PM on Aug. 14, 2009

  • My son is 10 and has ODD and ADHD. He acts as if lieing is no big deal. He is learning that to hide something from Me is wrong! I am MOM and MOM knows all. Lie to me and it might take me a day or two to figure it out, but I WILL find the truth. When she tells you the truth do some sort of praise like I'm so happy you told me the truth. Maybe you'll have to go back to earlier days of well you lie, you get this taken away. You tell me the truth and I can trust you, then you can earn it back. I know my son lies when you ask him how his day went at school and he says the classic good, but he has a furrowed brow or throws something the moment he comes in the door from school. I would just work hard at it. Tell her she will get further if she tells the truth. That lies ultimately hurt her. Use the Boy Who Cried Wolf story. Tell her there will come a time when she is telling the truth and people won't believe her. Hope this helps.
    babygoose78

    Answer by babygoose78 at 4:06 PM on Aug. 14, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.