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How long does it take for a child to adapt to a new man in her mother's life?

My daughter is a very smart child. She dont want nothing to do with my boyfriend. And I really think that it bothers him. He tries so hard to get her to like him.... I am not sure maybe things are being said at her dad's house about my boyfreind... We have been together for two months now and I just told him he has to be patient and give her time... once she realizes that he is here to say.... then i think that she will give him the time a day.

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Asked by Arielsmommy507 at 9:29 AM on Aug. 11, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • How old is she? My oldest daughter was 9,10. When I met and married my DH. He tried very hard to get her to like him. She never did. She is 30 now. She doesn't even acknowledge he exists. 

    Tell him to back off on the trying so hard. Just be their for her when she needs him.


    Answer by louise2 at 9:42 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • I think it depends on your daughter's age and how many new men she's had to adjust to. I didn't introduce my current husband to my kids until we had been dating for over 6 months and knew it was going to be a very long term thing, and even then when they were awake we had no touching between us for several more months to give my kids time to adjust.
    You've only been with him for two months - i don't know how long she has known him but it's going to take her more time to get used to him. If the two of you break up, it's also going to take longer for her to get over him being gone. I would worry less about how much it bothers him and worry more about your daughter - make sure she's getting enough time alone with you, that he's not taking away time that should be spent with her. Good luck.

    Answer by missanc at 9:42 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • she might never like him. maybe she is getting a bad vib from him. how well do you know him? 2 months isn't long enough to know someone much less bring him around your kids. i dont know i think maybe you should of waited longer and asked her what she thought before you brought him around. plus i dont know if you have dated other guys and showen up with them but if you have then maybe she is just protecting herself by not getting to close you know. maybe she thinks that he wont be there for long i dont want to like him. all i can say is spend lots of time with her alone and if you really feel like this is going to work with you and him then spend sometime with all 3 of you doing fun stuff.

    Answer by jacobmommy62106 at 10:06 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • I don't think you can count on the fact that she will ever accept him. Children are very loyal, especially to their parents, and she sees this guy as trying to be a substitute for her dad, and she's not going to have that. She may never like him and she may never want him around. Also, children are very perceptive when it comes to character, so I would not discount the fact that she may see something sinister about this guy that you do not see. So, please don't just dismiss her lack of warmth toward him as being all her fault or the fault of someone else in another household. He may not be as wonderful as you have found him to be. Children very often sense character issues that their parents miss, so her lack of acceptance could be a big old cue that you need to stop, look and listen to what she has to say. Have you ever asked her why she doesn't like him? That could be a very intersting answer to hear.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:12 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • First of all, every child and every situation is different. My son was 4 when I met my husband, he is now 26, and he considers my husband his dad. He also feels that he picked out his own dad. Yes, his biological father was in his life.

    I didn't always introduce my son to the guys that I met, but the ones that I did, I honestly have to say that if my son seemed uncomfortable with them, I didn't continue dating them. That is not to say there's anything wrong with your boyfriend.

    Every situation is different. Your child's age, relationship with her dad, the way the split happened, the new guy.....and even your daughter's personality, all kinds of things will affect how she handles things. Two months isn't very long, and I assume you're just dating, not living together yet. Having a stranger move into your home too quickly without giving her a chance to get to know him could make it difficult for her to learn to like him.

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:33 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • How many men have you brought into her life? You have only been together for two months so you have no clue if he is here to stay you are in the honeymoon stages of the relationship when everything seems perfect. I personally never let my kids meet anyone I dated until we had been together for about 6 months. Then it was limited. I did marry and only after I knew we were getting married did I integrate him into my kids lives. I dated 8 different guys until I met him and did not feel my kids should have to get used to a new guy until I found the right one. Their dad had 9 different women in and out of his house and it was confusing for the kids. I think it will take a while. You should trust your childs judgement too. I told my mom when I was 5 the man she was dating was bad. She ignored me until the day he beat and raped me. You don't know this guy that well so be careful.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:34 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • For some kids, it takes just a little time. Maybe a few months. But for a lot of kids, they may never like the man their mom is with. How many different guys have you brought into her life? My mom had countless numbers of guys parading in and out of my life. I watched one of her "lovers" walking behind my mother with a shotgun in his hand as she gathered clothes for us to leave. That same "man" use to beat me and my little sister with a belt. And not because we needed it. The "man" my mom is with now is a total idiot. But i'm old enough now not to give a damn! If your daughter is smart like you say she is, she may never like him. But if it turns out he is a good guy, she may like him eventually after all.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:44 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • You've only dated this man for two well do you know him? And why should you expect your daughter to accept a man that you've only dated for two months?

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 11:55 AM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • my kids were 5 & 6 when i met my SO. they adjusted quite well to him and vice versa. they've accepted him as a stepfather now that we're married and even want to change their last names to his. i think it all depends on how you communicate (if you do) with your kids and how you explain the situation. my kids knew that their stepdad was a winner from the get-go. also i didn't just throw him into their lives. we dated for awhile before they met him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:32 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • I dated my DH for about 4 months before I met the kids. We waited until we were committed for me to meet the kids. Then it was that I would only come over for a few hours for a BBQ or to watch a movie, then left.

    It sounds like you are pushing too much of this new man on your child too quickly. You need to give her time to adjust and if you do it slowly they can start to build a relationship.

    Answer by Niki_sd at 1:36 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

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