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Don't know how to help my friend...

Her husband has bi-polar disorder, and he goes through periods of rage. The other night was the first time it got physical. He chased her with a pole and hit her in the nose. The next morning he was crying and "couldn't even look at her". But he's been emotionally abusive for a long time. Telling her how bad a mom she is, she's fat, she's stupid. Eventually, she just kept telling me things were getting better and were good. He got help. But I guess the pole incident proves that wrong. I told her to leave cuz eventually he'll do it again, possibly worse. He's been to counseling, but nothing helps. He doesn't try or stick with it. He has never worked. His parents pay their rent, food, gas...everything. She just got out cosmetology school, so she should have a job soon. I told her that's what government assistance is for...to help women with no other choice. She just says "I'm too much of a pacifist". wtf?

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ErinHill226

Asked by ErinHill226 at 1:17 PM on Aug. 11, 2009 in Relationships

Level 16 (2,504 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • She needs to leave. You're right. But if she's stupid enough to stay, I wouldn't allow her to complain to me about all her "problems". I hate it when people know what the problem is, see it right in front of them and just make excuses for it or ignore it.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 1:23 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • Being a pacifist you avoid this kind of behavior. She says that she is a pacifist but obviously is not because if she was she would leave. Its hard though when you love someone but that person does not love you. Look up Corinthians... thats love. Good luck staying by her side, its hard to watch someone go through this and know that if you force them to leave you will be the one to get yelled at later on. Stay strong. God bless
    Glickstein

    Answer by Glickstein at 1:23 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • He needs medication, as well as therapy I'd say.
    You're not a pacifist, you're a realist and reality says that without medication he could fly in to a fit of rage and hurt her and be completely unable to control himself at that moment but will still be responsible because he didn't seek medical treatment.
    Sometimes you have to walk away because it destroys you. I have a friend I've lost a lot of sleep over too but there comes a time when you have to say "if you're not going to try to change the situation, then I'm going to have to walk because it's destroying me emotionally".
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 1:58 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • I told her I would try and trust her judgement since I don't live with them...but I also told her that, friends or not, if he even insinuates touching one of their kids or emotionally abuses them...I will not hesitate to call DSS and tell them everything I know about the guy. She assured me she'd never let anything happen to her children. That'd she kill him first. So I guess I just wait and hope and pray for the best?
    ErinHill226

    Answer by ErinHill226 at 1:58 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • That's the bad part. He IS on medication and has been to several hospitals to get help. I personally think he may be bipolar...but he also plays it up so he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything he says or does. He's just an angry person...and yes, the disorder doesn't help matters...but he knows what he's doing. Why should he act right when he can just turn around say "I have bi polar" as his excuse? He just wants control, and she's from an abusive family...so she lets him get away with it.
    ErinHill226

    Answer by ErinHill226 at 2:10 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • crazy runs in my family. He doesn't stick with the med or anything because after taking them for awhile, he thinks it's him controling himself not the meds. If she is going to stay...then she need to learn how to get around is moods and away to keep him calm, and if he can't calm himself, then he as to learn how to go outside till he feels better. But doing so is not easy, I would hate for him to really harm her or worse. My Granny and her husband are both on meds for being nuts. Grannies a calm nut...but her man's not. But we know how to dill with him, he's almost like a child
    GotToHaveFaith

    Answer by GotToHaveFaith at 4:03 PM on Aug. 11, 2009

  • My husband and I both have Bipolar Disorder and neither of us are on meds. I have learned methods of calming myself. Alex on the other hand tends to black out when he goes through his rage periods. He will do things without being able to stop himself. He once held me up aginst the wall by my throat...and then he later cried and apologized like your friends husband did. It wasnt until he grabbed me while I was holding my son that I decided to split up with him. We are in the process of divorcing. But I can understand where she is coming from wanting to stay with him if she loves him. It will most likely take something to happen to her like it did me to make her see the light. I dont think its right for people to call her stupid for staying with him, she is just doing what her heart is telling her to do. Parents have told their children to follow their hearts for years. Give her time, she'll come around for her and the kids.
    PandaBear88

    Answer by PandaBear88 at 7:30 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

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