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How do I deal with a 12 year old step daughter with an attitude about me not being her mother?

My step daughter has been living with my husband and I for 3 years now. She talks to her mother and sees her every so often, but she made the choice to live with us. Last year her and I got into an argument and she told me I wasn't her mom, I can't tell her what to do, and she was extremely rude. Now this year she is starting to have rude remarks under her breath when I tell her things. Now my husband and I have 3 other children together, and on the way. She made me so mad the other day, I wanted to slap her right in the mouth, because my other children don't dare talk to me that way... ( I have never put my hands on her, and never will, but I wanted to!) Now when she talks to me that way, my husband either says, you know she has an attitude and that I do as well, or he doesn't say anything to her.... I am so fed up and frustrated, please, if anyone has any advive help me out....??

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Asked by MrsSebastian at 9:08 PM on Aug. 24, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (12)
  • Well she sounds like a typical 12 year old. She is probably just testing the waters. When my daughter was 12 she talked to me that way to and I am her mom. We all deal with it.
    So tell her to be respectful, be kind. Treat her with respect. Tell her that you will treat her like an adult and she should treat you like one too.

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 9:17 PM on Aug. 24, 2008

  • Keep a level head. When she starts with the "your not my mother..." Tell her your right, I am your step mom, your stuck with me. I love you and care about you. I just want what is best for you. We can discuss anything. If you think I am being unfair then we can talk about it.
    These preteens are going through a lot of emotions. Things are changing. Some girls have a hard time. It is all about temperament. Some are easy some are difficult. Keep talking to her. Keep being honest. If she is rude tell her "wow that sounded so rude" would you like to rephrase it? If you keep your cool she will see that she is the one over reacting.
    Some times with my daughter she would sound so mean. I ask simply 'do you mean to sound so mean?'. She then tells me no-- I chalk it up to hormones.

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 9:17 PM on Aug. 24, 2008

  • First of all, you and hubby need to be on the same page! He needs to let that little girl know that you are the boss too and that YES you can tell her what to do if she is going to be living in your house. Your marriage comes first then together as a TEAM you put the kids first. If this attitude continues, your kids are going to take it on. I can recommend a book about marriage that could help, if you're interested, message me.

    Answer by feesharose at 9:24 PM on Aug. 24, 2008

  • If I were you, I would explain to her that you know you aren't her mother, but in a way you are. Tell her that you are trying to be the best you can and tell her that you want you and her to build a relationship and that if she will give you will too. Tell her that every girl her age needs a mother figure that they can talk too and be friends with. I would also let her be involed with the fact that you are about to have a new baby that will be hers too. You can tell her how much you will need her when the baby comes and someway or somehow get her involed. Tell her that when she says those things under her breath, you hear them and ask her how she would feel if you did that to her... Just be patient, put alot of love towards her. Most of all (I don't know how you feel) but Pray, pray and pray. Just trying to give some ideas.

    Answer by Freda01 at 9:26 PM on Aug. 24, 2008

  • Hello, my name is kathy and I too have a step daughter that went sour over a visit to her "Mothers" family, you and yous husband need to be on the same page, he CAN NOT allow her to disrespect you at all , dont argue with her , when she says something nasty, respond, in a very nice way, that will make her think, So what I did is cut her off of everything I did, now I too have 3 other children, and when she disrepected me, it hurt real bad, because I did everything for her, now, part 1 cont....

    Answer by mosaickathy at 9:50 PM on Aug. 24, 2008

  • part 2 cont I do nothing for her, she is starting to respect me like she did before, I dont allow my kids to disrepect me husband, but they all love him dearly, and my kids have told my step daughter they will not put up with it either, , if I can pay her bills, put a roof over her head, feed her ,and give her what she needs and entertain her and her friends, you better be dam straight she better respect me, or she gets nothing.

    Answer by mosaickathy at 9:51 PM on Aug. 24, 2008

  • part 3 cont... So, where am I now with her, she knows I did alot for her, what ever her family said to her , she is learning that my love is for ALL my kids, including her, but she will be cut off on a dime. I used to take her everywhere with me, no more, I will go to leave and she will say, " can I go with you" and I will say no, and that bothers her, that I don't see her that way anymore. Cut her off, dont argue with her, and talk to you husband and tell him how she is treating you and if if dont stop then you wil be forced to leave the house with your kids.. We live together, she will only be here for 2 more years, and after she moves out, it will be him and I and that is what we will have.

    Answer by mosaickathy at 9:51 PM on Aug. 24, 2008

  • Well, I haven't really had to be put in your situation before, but I would say I would treat her just like one of my own, as long as she lives under your roof, I think that's only fair. I would not slap, or hit, in any manner... What I would do is get her and your husband together and have a "jesus come to meeting" with her... Tell them you won't accept the way she is behaving, especially with the other children witnessing her behavior... Tell her you expect her to behave, and the rules... and thats that!

    Answer by pupmom at 10:55 PM on Aug. 24, 2008

  • i married my husband, he had two children and i had my 4yr. old son. To be totally honest, i believed my husband and his relatives would help me out because that is just what my family did. To my surprise, i was left to tend to a couple of children that were totally heartbroken over their parents' divorce, although i had nothing to do with thier seperation, i came along after the fact. But in thier eyes i stole thier dream of mom and dad being reunited and they would be a family again, and that didn't happen!
    I would not be surprised if your step daughter felt this way, and if you allowed her to express her pain in this hard fact that her parent's are not going to get back together, but if she would allow you and her new brothers/sisters to be a part of her extended family. You may not have shaken her nest; but her nest was shaken and now she needs to know that in your nest she is welcome and secure.

    Answer by maid at 12:53 AM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • im 9 and my mom takes me places it would be good to sign her up into a club that you can do together like if you watch discorerey channel there is a roots and shoots program for people you play games yiou do arts andcrafts you learn about nature.

    Answer by supermans at 8:55 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

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