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9 1/2 year old daughter's behavior is bad!

My 9 1/2 year old dd has behavioral problems~ADHD and my dh has a habit of spoiling her no matter how badly she speacks to us or acts. Lately he has been taking her fishing and constantly threatens to not take her but always does anyway. It drives me crazy. I have not wanted to do anything for her lately. I used to have her in all sorts of activities and buy her lots of clothes etc but lately I just can't help but feel a little resentful about how much I have done and feeling so misused. Am I a bad parent?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:52 PM on Aug. 14, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (6)
  • You aren't a bad parent, you're a frustrated parent who is feeling a little hopeless & helpless. 1st you & your husband need to work out a plan together for her behavior. He needs to see that he's actually harming his daughter by indulging her, momentary happiness won't last, & if she doesn't learn to behave appropriately, she'll be a miserable adult & he will have contributed to that. My middle son was diagnosed adhd. We set up a reward system that seemed to work for him. We made a chart each month with all of his responsibilities for each day, homework, picking up his room, leaving the bathroom neat, whatever chores he had, also squares for behavior, not getting in trouble at school, treating people nicely, we worked hard to catch him behaving well. He had instant gratification by getting the sticker, then there were daily & weekly rewards, such as the fishing trips. Find a plan that will work for your family.

    Good luck
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 6:01 PM on Aug. 14, 2009

  • You are certainly NOT a bad parent...in fact, you are a human and caring one. You need to have a sit down with the Mr. Not a BTW type of conversation but a "We need to talk" one to make him KNOW this is a serious discussion. Tell him how his behavior makes you feel AND LOOK. He is working against you and may not realize the consequences of his actions. Also, ADHD does come with behavior problems sometimes, however, if properly handled (whether it be behavior modification, counseling, alternative attention for learning skills, medication or all of the above) behavior problems should not be written off to ADHD. Her behavior regarding talking back is not a sign of ADHD. It is spoiled behavior and your husband needs to realize that. I hope this helps you a bit and hang in there. (BTW, I have ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until age 26. I am now 39 so I do know a bit about it.) Please talk to the Mr. so you can work together on this.
    Heidi70

    Answer by Heidi70 at 1:59 AM on Aug. 15, 2009

  • You sound like me. When my girls start that entitlement disease and gimme, take me, buy me behavior, I get angry. I end up doing nothing for them. NO friends, no shopping, no events, no activities. I refuse to do anything for them until they can act appreciative. They are generally really good kids, but just like any kids, they forget to be appreciative. Just a quick reminder by stopping all priviledges and they go back to being their sweet selves. I think that he just doesnt want to feel the pain of punishing her because its too much of a sacrfice for him, so he just takes her anyway. She also likely manipulates him. Girls are good at that. WHen he decides to crack down on her, then you might see some changes, but as long as hes not willing, she will likely get worse. You and him need to unite against this bad behavior. Not against HER, but against her behavior. Only then will it ever change. I understand resenting your kids.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 9:37 AM on Aug. 16, 2009

  • I hear ya I have a 91/2 yr old to. I am going through the same stuff with her. It's an attitude issue. I actually had to ground my girl for a few days like seriously ground her. Her friends would come to the door and ask if she could play and I would say in front of her no she is grounded maybe in a few days she can play again. It worked a little so far I have to say I have been getting please and thank you's lately which is nice.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:26 PM on Aug. 16, 2009

  • Oh my gosh I am not alone after all. My sd is 12 1/2 and for the past 3 years she has always been very manipulative and lying. She will get in trouble from me and she goes and tells her dad something but not all that happened. For instance I tell her no about something and she continues to argue with me and back talk persistently. And vice versa she does this to her dad and other family members also. it has caused alot of problems with my inlaws as she was going and telling them that we were mean to here and so forth. Then come to us and say they were mean to her and make her fold laundry, etc. We finially talked and got it figured out. But what is really agravating is when you try to do good things for her she still shows her ass. If anyone is having an adult conversation she has to be right in the middle of it. And is rude to other people. Laughes when people get hurt and such. We are all at the end of our rope.
    smilinangel

    Answer by smilinangel at 9:53 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • I've got the same "attitude" thing with my 9 year old daughter. She's very bossy towards her friends and has lost 2 friends because of it. I've tried to explain appropriate behavior to her but she just doesn't get it. I listen in the background while she plays with friends to check if she's treating her friends kindly. Can't tell you how many times I go outside and tell her to stop. Sometimes the kids get fed up and leave but most times they stay. How do they put up with her?
    Perspective56

    Answer by Perspective56 at 12:28 PM on Aug. 19, 2009

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