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Do abusive men ever stop?

I just found out that one of my best friends has been abused (emotionally and physically) for the past 15 years by her husband. She said that he is finally getting the help that he needs, that they are going to get through this. Does anyone know is that really possible? Is it possible to overcome this? I am so worried about her.

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Asked by KathMW at 5:07 PM on Aug. 25, 2008 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • She will be scarred for life. It's the saddest thing to have to live with. But even when she is not with him anymore she needs to STAY in therapy. It really never goes away and if she waits to long to get help one random unexpected day her thoughts and feelings are all going to come out maybe not even in a good way. My ex bf used to beat me and untill I started beating the FU** out of him he didnt stop. Good luck I feel for her

    Answer by Cass0289 at 5:15 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • No it does not stop, until he understands that he is doing somrthing wrong and that it's not her making him do it to her .Sometimes therapy does help but like the previous ladies said she will looking over her shoulder forever. A relationship that starts unhealthy, usually ends unhealthy. But I hope everything works out for her. Tell her God Bless

    Answer by 2bless2bstress at 5:33 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • I some cases things can change. It really depends on what the issue is that is causing the abuse and if proper help is found.

    My father used to abuse my mother. He thought it was his drinking and went to AA and it didn't help. He went to anger management and it didn't help. She ended up leaving shortly before their 20th anniversary. He again sought help but it did nothing. He abused his new girlfriend once she moved in.

    Answer by InkedVixen at 7:08 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • Yes, it can change. I would say you have the most success, if the wife nips it in the bud. My friend noticied this behavior in her husband. After a serious altercation, she called the church for counseling. The husband went. He said he felt like the counselor and wife were ganging up on him. Yet he stuck it out, and corrected his behavior.

    After 15 years, that may be an ingrained pattern. But, if she hasn't left him, his trying to correct the problem has to be encouraging. After all she hasn't had any relief in 15 years. If she has a good counselor, and her husband is man enough to face his problems, they may have a chance.

    Answer by moneymagnetmom at 8:23 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • Some men abuse woman because they are insecure themselfs and need to feel more powerful than their victims. It can be a wife, a child, even an animal. The person or animal being abused becomes a victom and in alot of cases are to scared to do anything because of what might happen. I know a woman that gets brave and says things back to him but I bet she pays for it later. Hopefully your situation will change but after so much time and help if nothing helps then it probably won't. Just keep praying for guidence.

    Answer by coffeealamode at 9:01 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • It is possible that it will stop, but extremely unlikely that it will. Most abusers escalate, rather than de-escalate. When talking to her you will probably find out that he has been slowly escalating the abuse throughout most of their relationship, starting with verbal/emotional abuse and slowly adding in more physical abuse. Given that he's been doing this for 15 years, I would bet that he won't be able to stop. Abused women have a hard time leaving and may go back to her abuser several times before finally getting away. All you can really do is let her know you will be there for her and help her leave him when she decides to do that.

    Answer by romeece at 9:35 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • Usually men that abuse women are abusers. They always come up with a reason, anything to justify why they have abused you. I'm sure she has heard " I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I love you. I don't know why I did that. Please forgive me". This is their favorite saying, then out of the blue after the abuse, they want to make love to you. I guess this is their way of showing how sorry they are. It is a repeated cycle. Unless, the abuser is ready and willing to change their ways completely it will never stop. And a lot of women go through this for a long time, not necessarily that they deeply love their abuser, but because they are used to them and they are frightened that they won't be able to make it on their own, and a lot of women use " I'm staying because of the kids. WRONG!! Leave and don't LOOK BACK!!

    Answer by Freda01 at 9:35 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • Like I said abusers can't quit abusing, and sometimes it spills over into the kids. The important thing here is that like I said, unless the abuser really knows that he is doing this and decides to get real help and change their WHOLE way of life, it will never end. I hurt for her, and I pray she leaves before it gets even worse. She can make it, SHE REALLY CAN!!!!!

    Answer by Freda01 at 9:38 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • I think that a man willing to make a change, with the proper help can stop abusing. It's happened before, it can happen for your friend.

    Answer by feesharose at 10:30 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

  • I don't believe it is possible... In order to pull her life back together she needs to get out of that situation.

    Answer by pupmom at 11:42 PM on Aug. 25, 2008

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