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What do you think of this poem?

I know it's got some pretty depressing content, and it's going to have to be split up into two posts, so be sure to read both..but what do you think? If you don't like the content, think more as far as writing scheme, meter and wording
Thanks! BTW, I'm not suicidal and any anonymous ridiculously angry posts will be deleted, say what you like, but do so honestly.
BTW, no, I'm not suicidal!
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Death is not my enemy.
Days are passing, each as plain as the last.

Youthful skin, embroidered with silk, losing it’s sheen.

I can see my eyes darken, a shadow of who I was for such a brief time;
A shadow of who I should’ve been forever.
Twists and turns in my hair, fall limp and ragged, my laughter has left me.

Answer Question
 
gabrielle_x

Asked by gabrielle_x at 11:52 PM on Aug. 16, 2009 in Just for Fun

Level 13 (957 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Death is not my enemy.

    Droll and similar, life continues to drag on,
    How I wish death could come for me, and encompass me in his spiral.

    So young outside, with a withered soul burning on it’s last oil.




    The excitement I once had is gone,
    But the flame continues on.


    Death is not my enemy.


    I crave the sunken eyes of the old, who lie at the feet of death.
    So expected to die any day, so waiting to die every day.

    My family and friends should understand, why I hope to expire.
    Meaningless existence-- deceased on my funeral pyre.



    One day soon those sunken eyes will then belong to me.
    As deaths spiral sucks me in

    --And I Begin To Live Again.
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 11:56 PM on Aug. 16, 2009

  • Aren't you afraid that someone would take this lyrics and have them copyrighted?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:59 PM on Aug. 16, 2009

  • I liked it because I am in fact a depressed person. Honestly it is good and kudos to you to post it and ask for constructive critism.
    ItsMeGigi69

    Answer by ItsMeGigi69 at 12:00 AM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • effective in that it takes you somewhere... definitely felt like it was pulling me down, up til the end. no apostrophe needed on either of your it's. the 4 words "my family and friends" broke the mood/rhythm for me... something about those words didn't fit the rest. I am intrigued as to whether the poet craves a spiritual death or a literal death and looks forward to a literal afterlife.

    its growing on me
    vintagesnow

    Answer by vintagesnow at 12:02 AM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • No anonymous, because I've posted in several places and it was published at my school. If someone tried to have them copyrighted all I would need to do is show the transcript from me posting this or any poem I've written online and they could get a serious plagiarism charge.

    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 12:03 AM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • You're right it's very depressing, but I like it! You're a good writer:)
    theutilitarian

    Answer by theutilitarian at 12:05 AM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • Vintage, I agree with you on the "family and friends" portion and wondered if anyone else was going to note on that..

    It WAS hastily written lol..most of my poems are..I start with usually one phrase, in this case it was "deaths spiral sucks me in and I begin to live again," and write the entire poem based on that.

    the it's are a common problem with me lol.
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 12:06 AM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • It's okay, but a bit over the top melodramatic. It sounds like a high schooler wrote it. Or at least like something I would have written during my teen angst years.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:15 AM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • Well..poetry is an expression of feelings and those feelings aren't meant to be held back.

    I wrote this when I was severely depressed. Shuffling through my house, I hardly ate, barely drank and was completely listless.

    My hair LITERALLY fell limp and ragged instead of being it's natural body-filled curls.

    I was a devestating time to look at me.

    I felt so dead in every emotion.
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 9:13 AM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • Sorry OP--I wasn't trying to offend. I wasn't necessarily criticizing the content, just the melodramatic way in which it was written DID remind me of the things I used to write in high school when I was a total mess. I'm sorry you were going through such a bad time and hope things are better for you now.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:23 AM on Aug. 17, 2009

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