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Does he really HAVE to know?

I got a call from my step dd's school today, first week of school and already in trouble! She is 13 and lives with us full-time.
Her and several other kids were caught smoking outside the gym. She is on the pom pom squad and she has been working hard all summer with practice and such. Well her dad told her this summer that the condition was she has to have good grades and no trouble what so ever, first time in trouble and she could not be on the squad anymore. I helped her a lot this summer too (I used to coach) and feel maybe if she straightens up, we could let this one go?
My question is, would be terrible to keep this from dh?


Asked by Anonymous at 4:15 PM on Aug. 17, 2009 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (36)
  • I don't think it matters that she's step or bio - the main point is that it sends her the wrong message. I do think you should talk to him privately first, preferably at a time when he CAN'T go off the handle at her...give him time to calm down.

    Point out that if he gives her the chance to stay on the squad, it'll take up enough of her time to hopefully keep her out of trouble. If she's not on the squad she'll just have more time to get into trouble. This is especially good if the girls with whom she got into trouble are NOT on the squad, as well.

    If it doesn't work, it doesn't. Natural consequences are a good thing, but make sure he has a plan to fill her time up with so she doesn't end up getting into WORSE trouble without it.

    Answer by Avarah at 5:23 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • I would say you should tell himand then maybe try to compromise with him on the taking her off the squad. I dont think taking her off the squad is a good idea but neither is keeping it from him. He deserves to know what is going on with her. I would try talking to him about her punishment for it and maybe between the two of you, you can work out a different plan.

    Answer by mamasangels2009 at 4:18 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • I can understand your temptation not to tell him. But you know how important this is. You could possibly angle it like this: When he does find out, tell him you and she were trying to work this one out together as a sort of bonding thing? IDK. This is tough cause when he finds out, and he probably will, he'll be annoyed with you both. If she screws up again, no free passes and you could have that pact with her. Good luck but I'd probably tell my dh.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 4:20 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • I don't think it's a good idea to keep things from your Husband. She needs to learn consequences and in order to do that you need to stick to them. If you let this one go you might as well just let her do what she wants because that's what she's going to do anyway... GL

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 4:21 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • I am a firm believer in not keeping anything from spouse, but i can see wanting to keep this one. I dont know since it is your step dd but I know my mom would have maybe done that once and told me she would NEVER do it again. If you hear of anything else you will have NO ChOICE but to tell him. You have to ask your self what you dh would do if he found out you kept this from him? Could this put a wedge btw the 2 of you? Can you try to talk him out of yanking her from the squad since it would be good for her to be involved in it. Maybe add work? My mom used to make us pull weeds and wash baseboards when we were in trouble.

    Answer by ria7 at 4:21 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • That's really, really tough. you SHOULD tell him, but I'm not positive that I would.

    Answer by StefanieN84 at 4:24 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • I would tell him, because if she ends up doing it again or getting into trouble in other ways it will eventually come out and you we be responsible for that.

    Answer by NicholeAT at 4:26 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • i think it would be okay if you didnt tell him this one time. girls gotta stick together sometimes yano?

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 4:26 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • You need to tell him, if you don't you are just teaching her that it's fine to hide things from one or the other and guess what? She is going to hide stuff from you as well.

    Answer by KalebsMommee at 4:32 PM on Aug. 17, 2009

  • Yes, of course you tell him. Thats his child! Hello? This child has to learn consequences and she wont if you keep shielding her from punishment. You are basically bribing her to be good by allowing her to stay on the team because youre afraid she will get worse if you pull her off. Kids are smart and shes got you right where she wants you. You cant be afraid to punish her because of how badly she will react to your rules. If you are doing this to keep him from punishing her out of fear of her reaction, then you are essentially allowing the tail to wag the dog, so to speak. Smoking at 13 in school is a pretty serious offense and by not telling her father, you are sending her a message that first of all, you are willing to let her get away with it for fear of punishing her, secondly, that you dont respect her dad enough tell him, and 3 , you want to be her friend and not essentially another parent. This could get worse.

    Answer by momofsaee at 4:33 PM on Aug. 17, 2009