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For those with shared custody/difficult exs

How do you maintain consistency in raising a child who is shared between 2 parents who don't get along? Is it possible to be done. My DF's ex is impossible to get along with and she refuses to work with us. In fact she works against us. They share a 2 YO son. She doesn't share any info about how she handles much of anything, except time-outs for misbehaving, which he really doesn't do when he's with us. All other things, like potting training, what he likes/doesn't like to eat, etc. she doesn't give any ideas at all. Any suggestions?

Otherwise we're on our own for what to do. There goes the idea of consistency, which the child desperately needs.

 
geminigirl18

Asked by geminigirl18 at 2:27 PM on Aug. 18, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (11)
  • its VERY rare to see a couple get along about anything after a divorce or seperation. My mother has been married three times, and it was never fun during the divorces...NO ONE agreed. Then me and my husband split for a year (we are together now)...plus i have a friend that deals with a difficult ex...I have never heard of an amicable split...unfortunately there isnt much you can do AT ALL...the ONLY thing a court requires you to do as parents is to not alienate the child against one another, and to make sure the court is aware of your address. Otherwise your at the mercy of the other parent.
    If you are EVER concerned about what goes on in the home you can always go back to court and request a Guardiam Ad Leitem...just be aware they arent free! but you can ask the court to split the cost with the other parent!
    blueeyedgrl2377

    Answer by blueeyedgrl2377 at 2:36 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • no idea
    my SO ex wife is a nut job

    we just do the best we can on this end

    GL
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:28 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • Ex's can be a BUTT! My DH and His ex try to get along.. she still leaves him out of the loop alot and it aggravates him. What we try to do and is have our own system that works for us and him when we get to have him. He is a picky eater!! honestly... kids will eat raw veggies. other wise if its something we think he will eat such a s tacos... we make his part with out the seaonings and then ad it to ours. if he crys and says is doesnt like... too bad he has to try new things and eat it. not like brussel sprouts and etc... you get my drift. pick and choose your battles. Ya'll do what is best for ya'll and the 2yo. Good luck.. it can be ver overwhelming and stressful. roll with the punches.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:31 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • My DF son is a picky eater to. It's such a pain in the a** to try to get him to eat n e thing besides hot dogs. Hopefully it will change over time. Who knows.
    geminigirl18

    Answer by geminigirl18 at 2:36 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • My ex and i don't talk, at all. I have 3 children with him - my oldest, 11, has autism - talk about a need for routine and consistency! But he refuses to work with me and realize that our son has different needs (my son is NOT high functioning - he's in a special education class, has limited verbal skills, etc). We have completely different lifestyles - he lets the kids stay up late, we have consistent bedtime; he drinks/smokes when my kids are there (and has even given my daughter a taste), we don't have alcohol around when my kids are home and I don't smoke, etc.
    We are going to court to try to iron out a more concise custody agreement than the one we have, because we have differences of opinion over interpretation of the current one. I plan to ask for a parent coordinator who can settle small disputes - maybe that would work for you?
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 2:36 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • What an unfortunate situation. Something that you could do, or attemp I guess, is to ask her to write a short note about what is going on as far as food, potty training, etc. then that way she doesn't have to talk to you about it, she can just send it with the kid.
    Tiera12

    Answer by Tiera12 at 2:56 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • Have you tried asking her specific questions? Or does she refuse to talk to you? Ask her for the child's schedule and a list of favorite foods, activities etc.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:56 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • I don't know about the problem.. most people would WANT their kid to have consistency so they're happy.
    The only suggestion I can make is to set your own rules and limitations, and keep them consistent while the child is with YOU. At least then he/she will know what to expect at YOUR house.. and what to expect at MOMS house. It works well for nannying so I'd think it would work well for that kind of situation too. Who knows.. maybe mom doesn't have any consistency to start with....
    Good luck!
    kristal2146

    Answer by kristal2146 at 4:23 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • just establish consistency in your own home and he will feel secure. do the best you can.
    annelebar

    Answer by annelebar at 4:47 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • Asking her anything is out of the question. She refuses communication. Idk what she's trying to prove. If she's as educated as she says, then one would think it's apparent to her that consistency is vital to a stable upbringing, especially with his delays in many skills. He's 2 1/2 and only says a few words. He's getting more talkative when he spends time with my DF and I. We try to encourage what we think is healthy and most beneficial to his well being. We keep a strict sched when the little one is with us. He goes to bed on time, naps when he supposed to. My DF and I make a good team, always trying to find better ideas all the time. I guess we'll follow the advice to just make up our own rules, since bio mom wants nothing to do with that.
    geminigirl18

    Answer by geminigirl18 at 12:56 AM on Aug. 19, 2009

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