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Its happened

So mad at DH. Ok, so it's been 5yrs we've been together, 3yrs married, blended family. Get a text today from him saying SS has a soccer practice tonite that he has offered to take him to even though SS mom just told my DH about it today!! So, he doesn't apologize or anything regarding uprooting the normal Tuesday evening we have with all 3 kids. So I ask why he didn't find out himself thru the soccer website regarding the practices, in other words, why is he always relying on his Ex for info about the sons activities? This happens so frequently and since we talked he says he will change the way he doesn things, but he relies on so much from her. Do you think that me being his wife, he should rely on some things from me too? I offer all the time with help with his son, and he really won't let me help with anything. What to do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:55 PM on Aug. 18, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (13)
  • If you want him to rely on you why did you not tell him about soccer
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:05 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • Sorry, I don't get it. I feel as if something is missing from your post. Has he blocked the soccer team website from your computer? Why can't you take the initiative here?

    If you want to be of help, then be pro-active and be of help. Don't wait for him to ask you things. Look up the schedule and put it on the family calendar. And so on. Don't make it a matter of one-upmanship, make it a matter of being part of the team.

    But understand this...the ex is ALSO part of that team. She's not going away. She's going to be part of his life permanently because of the kids. You need to learn to deal with that; you're going to be seeing a LOT of her over the years whether you like it or not, so you'll need to either learn to like it or at least act as if you do.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 8:13 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • Ok, my post may seem confusing. Let me clarify. I have been dealing patiently with this for 5 yrs. The problem is, he relies so much on her for info that he can easily find out himself. But, instead he tells me, "I'm just gonna wait for her to tell me". This creates huge tension bcuz now there is a 3rd adult in our marriage that he is "relying" on for something he can easily find out himself. So, her telling him at the very last minute creates kaos for our normal routine of us doing things as a family. As far as me, I'd like him to seek out my help with his son from time to time, but, he doesn't give me the opportunity- Ever!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:20 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • Oh, and regarding taking initiative on things? When I've attempted to do this, he acts like he doesn't need my help, like he can take care of everything to do with his son on his own. I have offered to help shop for clothes for him, to help set up playdates with his friends, to take him for haircuts, to suggest when he may need to see the doctor for an ear infection. My DH response is always the same, "I think he's fine, you worry too much".
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:25 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • You need a family calendar.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 8:30 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • You know, you're right. But, consistency counts for everything and the only calendars that enter my husbands sight are the calendar he uses with his EX for days they each have their son. It is changed frequently by her because of her personal goings on and is never questioned by my DH. When I have asked to be privy to this calendar bcuz it affects our family goings on, he's forwarded it to me once or twice, but never on a regular basis. Its as if he is leading a double life and I believe his new life should take equal importance or else he should have never remarried.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:35 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • It sounds as though you resent the relationship between your DH and his ex, stop, he's with you! As gdiamante said she's not going away, try talking to her, honestly you knew that she would be apart of your life and your DH's then why did you marry him?

    Step back, take a deep breath tell hi how you feel ask to be told when things change and to be given 24 hours notice of the change, if they are working together well don't mess that up, to many times the new wife is jealous of the ex, rise above, be better then that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:44 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • Look, I get your frustrated. But good parents communicate and his ex will ALWAYS be a part of his life because they have a child. First, you have a good man if you are married to a man who goes to his son's games and wants to pick him up. When he became a dad for the first time, with your ss, he took on this huge responsibility. The family he created with you does not trump that responsibility. It doesn't over ride it but your children and you are not MORE important than his first son. In fact, when a parent does not live with a child they need to make extra attempts at connecting to that child. That is just life. So be flexable, understanding, and honor the fact he is a good dad. Make plans with the family on a different day. And perhaps include the ss in those plans. Sweetie, when you married him he was an excellent man with a child. That hasn't changed. There will be times where you have to take a back seat.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:58 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • Another thing, it is his son. So don't try to parent a child who already has two parents. Your husband has clear and good boundaries. Be your ss's friend, have fun with him, play with him. But don't ever try to be the parent. He has a mom and dad. Your spouse gets that loud and clear. In fact, your husband is a very smart man it sounds like. Good for you for catching a great one. Now don't turn him loose and just love and respect him.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:02 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

  • why not have his ex write EVERYTHING on a calendar that you can keep at your house that way it is right where he can see it and you can remind him if need be and have a better idea as to whats going on it is VERY difficult to try to remember all of everyones stuff in your head putting it out there in black and white will make EVERYONES Life a thousand times easier!
    katiekruschke

    Answer by katiekruschke at 10:14 PM on Aug. 18, 2009

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