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How should I deal with my step-daughter moving in with a 2 year old?

My stepdaughter is 21 and has recently come back into our lives. My husband was not involved in her life much until she wanted to see him when she was 15. She was a rebellious teeenager, quit school left home when she was 17. She got married when she was 19 and has a 2 year old son with her husband. Her family has tried helping her in every way possible in the last couple of years. She got her GED. She got her Nurse's Aide this year. Her husbands grandma payed for them to move to Colorado from NY 2 months ago so they could stay with friends for awhile and thry and make it on their own. They were there 2 months and just found jobs and just applied for state aid. Her and her husband got in a fight and he said he was leaving her so right away she wanted to come back. Her grandma again payed for 2 plane tickets for them to come back. She is going to be moving in with us temp to get back on her feet. Any advice?

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Asked by Nonnie74 at 11:44 AM on Aug. 19, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

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Answers (17)
  • Must give her a date when she should leave and like it or not there are rules, pick up after herself.
    if she is there to get back on her feet make sure she is doing that and not parting with friends. Her kid must come first.
    Talk to your hb before she enters make sure you two are on the same page. And do not let her take avantage of her dad and make him feel bad that he was not with her growing up. Temp. means Temp. Good Luck it is not going to be easy.

    Answer by gammie at 11:59 AM on Aug. 19, 2009

  • Well partying with friends won't be an issue since she doesn't know anyone here. I am just trying to figure out how much time to give her to get a job, find out about state assistance, a daycare for her son since my husband and I both work, and her own place. We don't have an extra bedroom with my 2 boys here too. They will be living out of our living room.

    Answer by Nonnie74 at 12:14 PM on Aug. 19, 2009

  • Have her sign a lease/contract so everyone is on the same page You can all write it together and sign it.

    Answer by rkoloms at 12:17 PM on Aug. 19, 2009

  • I agree, you, your husband, and your step daughter need to all sit down together like adults and come to an agreement. Once the agreement is reached, all parties should sign it. Talk to your husband first so that you know each others' expectations before having the sit down with your step daughter.
    You don't have to help her financially, but you could help her with little things to get her on her feet. Good luck!

    Answer by quorleeba at 1:55 PM on Aug. 19, 2009

  • :I believe it's the grandma problem not you and your husband. Grandma has been cuddling her so let her have her and child. :

    This is the husband's child.. It seems like this girl tried getting her life together, why shouldn't the father help his daughter?

    Answer by KalebsMommee at 8:19 PM on Aug. 19, 2009

  • what?? what poor choices? getting married, having a family and finishing school? yeah what a whore, she should be shot in the face! ppl are so deranged.
    this poor girl obviously had crap parents or she wouldn't have had the option to run off and quit school. i know, i was the same way. i applaud her for showing intiative, getting her ged, and going to school. i think its great that she is willing to take a huge leap backwards to make sure she and her child have a safe place to stay and start their future. family is supposed to help out when things get bad. nothing is worse than divorce. especially when children are involved. but i suppose she didn't have a role model. its got to be embarrassing and hard for her to ask her dad, who she has issues with and her stepmom for help. but obviously the dad should understand divorce, if she has a stepmom in the 1st place.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:48 AM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • My husband and her mom were never married. He was 16 when she was born. He was in her life until he graduated HS and went into the military. He came back and the mom wouldnt let him see her. The mom wanted to wait until she was old enough to make her own desicion to see him. I think a big part of the problem is that she grew up without her father active in her life. He has been trying to make up for it ever since. Hopefully some of the damage can be done as they rebuild their relationship.

    Answer by Nonnie74 at 9:17 AM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • So her husband's grandma sent the three of them to Colo and her Grandma is paying for her and the baby to come back? Seems like they should have tried counceling first rather than him running out on a 2-3 yr marriage and a baby. Of course it is stressful to live with friends. What the heck did he expect. But I don't see her as being at fault. Sounds like she is on the verge of getting her life together. I can't see her wanting to stay in the lviing room for long. I think you will do just fine. Just keep the communication going. As soon as she gets a job you might want to lend her first and last month's rent, then again her husband may be back with big regrets. It sounds like he flew off the handle to me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:39 AM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I think the best thing you can do for this young lady is to give her an opportunity and chance to prove herself. You nor your husband know her, I mean really know her...she has the right to know her dad and vice versa and to have a supportive step-mother in her life and her 2 year old's life. I agree that there should be rules put into place before she gets unpacked and when you do decide to give her time to get a job, give her enough time to do it...Im not sure how plentiful jobs are where you live but I know where I live, its not easy to get a job right now...

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 1:13 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • Write down your rules for living in your home. Give her a copy. I might even ask her to sign it, agreeing to them. You need to also include what you are willing to tolerate from the child. This is your home, and you don't want to end up feeling like it's hers and you are her prisoner. So you and your husband should agree on what you will and will not tolerate. Boundaries are so very important in all of our lives. I'd say one of this young woman's problems is that she has never had anyone draw boundaries for her and then enforce them. So she is continually flitting about. You can help her with that, and that's how I would approach her coming to live with me. This shall be a time of teaching, and you and your hubby are the instructors.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:55 AM on Aug. 21, 2009

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