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How would you feel if your neighbor did this?

I am posting this anon because I know that I am going to recieve some bashing. I have two kids-a nine year old and a five year old. Both of my kids have ADHD. I struggle every day to do what I think is best for them. I have them both at a prievet school where they get the attention they need. I sacrifice so much for these guys! They are my life,my world. I have a tendencie to become physically not to mention emotionally exhausted. I have NO family to help w/them just dh and I. We live rural. We have three neighbors but we are spread fairly far apart from eachother. We live on a 100 acre farm. I have told my dd that she is welcome to play on our property-just stay on our property. These kids do things sometimes that are not NORMAL to the most of us. My dd was taking birds nest from trees and trying to be a mommy bird. I have been very angry about this and have talked till I am blue in the face about this.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:23 PM on Aug. 20, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (12)
  • MORE. Well, she has gone into one of our neighbors yards and taken nests from their trees. Well, I had noticed a sign in the neighbors back yard but I did not think too much about it. Well, this morning my daughter sheepishly tells me that there is a sigh in the neighbors yard that says her name stop in read letters-Go back! You are killing all of our song birds! I was mortified!
    I got dressed and went right over there. The lady told me that she did not mind her coming in her yard. I told her that I DID mind. I was just weirded out that someone would do this instaed of come directly to me and dh! How would you feel if your neighbor put a sign in their yard if they had a problem w/your kids behavior instead of coming to you????? I think we got this worked out. I gave her my phone number and told her exactly what my expectations of my kids are. I did not want her to think that I am okay w/them doing whatever they want!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:32 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • So what did the neighbor do? And her dd was pretending to be a mommy bird, I can see why you would get mad she basically killed the birds. But I dought she was aware that is what she was doing, being that kids don't really understand the permanence of death until a bit later on. So give your dd a punishment. And if the neighbors are doing something you don't like then talk to them, nothing can be fixed between neighbors if you talk to them, they may not know what is going on.
    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 1:33 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I am glad you got it all worked out. I would be upset with them and my DD for not following the rules. I understand your children have ADHD, maybe since I don't have children with this I don't get it. But why can't she follow rules? I mean she is intelligent and I would assume the school would be having issues if she couldn't follow rules there, so she must know how. So agian why can't she follow the rules at home?
    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 1:38 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • Some people are just non confrontational. SHe wanted to get the message w/o having to face you or the child. It happens. It woudl have been better if she had come to you let you know.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:40 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I would have laughed, and then disciplined my dd. My dd has Asperger's and one of the symptoms is that they go off the charts on ADHD, so that was her first dx. It is NOT a reason to let discipline slide. If anything it requires MORE discipline. (The Asperger's dx came about 1 1/2 yrs. later, so we treated it as ADHD for over a year). I would have apologized to the neighbor for dd's behavior and probably suggested that they leave the sign up as I tried to deal with the situation. The fact is, your dd IS killing all the birds and it needs to stop. She needs to realize that she is NOT a mommy bird. I would break it down to her plainly as that may be the only way she gets it. "Honey, you are NOT a mommy bird, and when you take the nests you are killing those baby birds. If you want to pretend to be a mommy bird, how about we make you a nest of your own" then get some straw and make her one.
    Petie

    Answer by Petie at 1:57 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • Is your daughter 9 or is your daughter 5? If she's 9, then I think the neighbor did the right thing. I think that at some point every child needs to know that they are answerable for what they've done.

    I promise you her teachers at school chastise her when she's done something wrong instead of going to you, right? If they don't, you're not doing her any favors.
    Avarah

    Answer by Avarah at 1:58 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • well in the end WHO is responsible for the behavior -- DD is responsible for it, so no i dont think your neighbor was too wrong, they do have a point about killing the birds, maybe you could teach dd about the bird's nest and how she is hurting them,, there is a Great book about that, called "the magic finger" a short chapter book where some hunters switch lives magically with a family of birds who tries to hunt them.... i lot of people will get mad if you tell them that their kid is doing something wrong so i would assume that is why she did it with a sign, she didnt say anything too damaging...
    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 2:09 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • OKay, I think I understand your story. Are you sure the neighbor KNEW who was taking the bird nests? I mean, to put a sign up would indicate that they knew that someone was coming around and doing it, but that they werent exactly sure whom. Now if thats the case, then I think it was a logical reason, but if the neighbor knew who was doing it, then I think she should have been a bit more of an adult and come to you to let you know. I would definitely want another adult to come to me and address me if they knew my child was doing something inappropriate. I think its just good manners and is neighborly. I found my kids doing the same thing as yours not too long ago. Just like you, I felt sad and horrified that my children could do that. They were just curious and didnt know that taking the nests out of the trees would kill the birds. They thought if they put them back the mother would come back and didnt understand. Glad its okay
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 2:44 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I think your neighbor was wrong to put up a sign saying "you are killing our birds". If she knew it was your daughter who was touching the nests, then she should have went to you directly and talked to you. I am glad that you did get it worked out. As a mom of special needs kids, I do understand what it is like to have kids who are 'different' and how sometimes people just don't understand that the kids are not being mean or naughty, they just have their own ways about them.
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 3:41 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • continued.... I would also talk to your dd. She needs to know it is wrong to go on Mrs. X's property and pester her bird nests. I liked another mom's suggestion of building your daughter her own nest. Would she be happy with a beanie baby bird or toy bird and be mommy to that? Maybe if she has her own nest and bird/toy to fuss over she will leave the real ones alone.
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 3:45 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

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