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Mother of the Bride or Groom...which is right in this situation?

My sister and her soon to be husband ordered their invitations and included a note saying "Gifts accepted, but monetary contributions preferred".
My mother is LIVID. She feels it is an embarrassment to the family and that it is super tacky. My mother is old school and thinks people will feel like they are only being invited for the gift...of money. She thinks that it looks bad for her because it will look like they are only after peoples money.
My sisters fiancee is the one who decided they needed that wording because they already have two housefuls of stuff, that they don't need anymore.
Both are in their early 30's and I think it goes without saying that people will give them money, knowing that both were established before they got together.
My mom is refusing to go to the wedding if they send out the cards and the fiancee is threatening to postpone the wedding if they don't send them out.
What do you think?


Asked by Nathskitten at 4:54 PM on Aug. 20, 2009 in Relationships

Level 5 (95 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • I completely agree with your mother. That is so tacky. Give me a break. If you already have a household full of stuff, then just be happy people are coming to your wedding at all. If they do buy you stuff, return it. That is so tacky and disrespectful.

    Answer by feesharose at 5:43 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • Its tacky. You invite people because you want them to share in your happiness, not because you're wanting something from them.

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 4:57 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • i think mom is wrong. it was the same for DH and I....we have soo much stuff didnt need to have a lot more. it was really cool my SIL threw a shower and in the invitation included a cool poem explaining that we just needed money basically(lol workin on finishing a house). No one was offended, and ppl still brought gifts. They will no matter what it says. And its obviously not saying We just want you for your money lol. I think they should be sent out its their wedding, and need to put their foot down. I'm sure mom will come around, would she really miss her daughters wedding over that, or just a threat hoping it'll change their minds?

    Answer by AmandaN1 at 4:58 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I say send it out. I think your mother is being unreasonable. I see nothing wrong with the wording and those who know the couple won't either. She is making a mountain out of something that is a difference of opinion. If they give in now she will micro manage their married lives for ever.

    Answer by teamquinn at 4:59 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • It is in extremely poor taste. And if this is what is important to your sister's future husband, it could be a good sign to call the whole thing off. If they don't want stuff, they could say "No gifts please." To ask for money in lieu of gifts is a whole other matter.

    Answer by NannyB. at 5:04 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I'd see nothing wrong with sending out the invitations. I wouldn't be offended. I'd rather know what they need than to buy something they could possibly have two of already. I dont think it tacky at all.

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 5:06 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • It is the bride and grooms wedding and they should be able to write what they want in the invitations and it is up to them if they want to send it or not. Your mom has to realize she really has no say and just accept it. Her saying she is not going to attend the wedding (over something so small) is a bit dramatic and unreasonable.
    I think the people who know the bride/groom will understand they are combining households and already have stuff, and most people usually just give $ anyway. (I know I do).

    Answer by MizLee at 5:09 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • Traditional wedding etiquette says you should not mention gifts at all on the invitation, even banning them. In cases where older people get married and have all the household items they need, you could discreetly and politely say you wish only for the company of guests, gifts are not necessary. However, asking for cash is tacky. I'm with your mom on this one.

    Answer by lvpenguino at 5:10 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I think it's their wedding and the invitation should be respected. If your mom has a problem then she needs to realize it's not about her. This is their wedding. She had her wedding and I'm sure she did it her way. She needs to not be self absorbed. I wouldn't ruin my daughter's wedding by not going bc the couple chooses to do something I don't agree with. Embarrassment to the family? I don't think so. She can't speak for the whole family. If someone says something then she needs to say "it was their decision". One must respect the choices of the bride and groom even if we don't agree with them. Personally, I think it makes sense. Why get 20 toasters when you could use the money to buy what you need?

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:21 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I agree it's tacky. Most people know that you have two households of items. They will still either buy a gift or give cash if they choose. It doesn't seem like a very classy thing to do.

    Answer by ohwrite at 5:23 PM on Aug. 20, 2009