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can i take a break from motherhood before i have a break down

i raised my son 80 percent on my own from i was 17 to 30 except for help from daycares and grandparents... he is now 12 years old and i want to send him to his dad who is ready and willing to take him for just a year so i can get a break and focus on my hairstyling career ..my son wants to go and seems excited about the idea...everything seems fine..but why do i feel so guilty about doing it...should i wait until he is 18 so he wont feel like i abandoned him...or take a year out and finally focus on nuturing myself..

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joyfuljazz

Asked by joyfuljazz at 10:38 PM on Aug. 20, 2009 in General Parenting

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • why would a hairstyling career require you to give your son up? moms are in law school and medical school bringing up kids.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:42 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • Only you can answer this. First, I do NOT blame you! I have days where I don't think I can be a Mom for another second. If your son really is ready and you think he'll be loved and cared for well by your ex, then let him go. Does he know you need a break or have you just suggested he gets to know his Father by spending a year with him. Whatever, just make sure he knows he's loved and this transition is meant to be a positive experience. You will have to cope with your own feelings but I don't think you need to feel guilty, embrace the time alone and make the most of it.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 10:44 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • i raised my three on my own with my husband their dad hardly around because of business. I fit in nurturing myself around and mixed in with nurturing my kids. Maybe personal counselling for yourself with your son and also with your ex.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:44 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • are you comfortable handing him over to dad.....if your family helped you up until now, where was his dad? is dad going to raise him for a year according to your rules and expectations for him? that would be things to seriously consider
    MissHeidi0304

    Answer by MissHeidi0304 at 10:44 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • If you must give up your son how about you transferring near your ex to be close to both? Whether you're talking about just starting hairstyling school or opening up a salon now if you can do it near your son your guilt will be less and you'll never regret having him gone perhaps permanently because he'll himself be making new friends. You'd need to be prepared that he might not want to come back once his 'new' life is established.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:47 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I don't know how one takes a break from motherhood. Maybe some personalities could do it, but I've never had the desire to not be available to my children. They are all grown now with families of their own, but I still get called upon at various times, and I can't imagine not being an integral part of their lives. I would just advise that you be very sure that this is what you want. Once your boy goes to live with his dad, he may not want to come back even if you change your mind, so just be certain that you could live with that possibility.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:03 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I would consider moving closer to your ex, or if he lives close enough, send him to your ex for the week and have your son for the weekends. I cannot imagine sending my child off for one full year. You did not add much details, so I don't know how you plan on working the holidays out, visitations? From what you are saying, it sounds like you want to wash your hands of your child for the whole year? If thats the case... I don't think that's a good idea. You need to continue to be involved in your son's life. But having your ex do a majority of the child-rearing is not a terrible idea, so you have more time to focus on your career. Just make sure you continue to be involved in your child's life. Remember, his parenting style might differ from yours, and by the time the year is up, you most likely will have a completely different child. Usually not for the better. GL.
    ShadesofGrey

    Answer by ShadesofGrey at 11:04 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • It could be a good thing. I wished I got a do over and stayed with my dad at 12. I got instead a burnt out mom who was always yelling or screaming. My mom was never happy with anything I did. Had I would have bonded and stayed with my dad, I wouldn't have needed the therapy I need today. Plus I would have had a male input on dating. Maybe his dad can help him with sports and the Man things. I think it would be great for both of you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:08 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • Getting personal counselling is a good idea I think. Something's going on because you're not looking for ways to get a daily or weekly or even a monthly scheduled night or day for you. You're looking to absolutely be without ds for a year perhaps longer.

    I've known a lot of moms, relatives and friends who are the best moms by working out side of home. But a mom who needs a year away from a child to start hairstyling? Counselling could really help you understand your son's life need for you as his mother and what brought your need for you time to the depth that it exists.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:08 PM on Aug. 20, 2009

  • I am not a big fan of counseling and don't think it is a fix for much at all. Not sure you need that at all.
    You really sound as though you need a break and if his father is willing and able to take care of him and DS is up for it and wants to go then you should have no problems with it. Is your ex living far from you? Has he been in your son's life from the beginning or just whenever he wants to be, on a whim like my daughter's "father..."

    Your ex is willing to help you out as he should be as your son is not just YOUR responsibility.

    You really sound as though you are ready to work on something for yourself after devoting so much time alone to your son. You are ready to start a career and I say if you really are motivated and ready to do it then go for it. But please keep the contact with your ex and your son open and very frequent. Visit with him on weekends and holidays. Best of luck to you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:48 AM on Aug. 21, 2009

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