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Double standard.

A woman realizes that she cannot parent so when she gives birth (or shortly prior), she works with an adoption agency and makes an adoption plan. The baby is loved and cared for from day one.

A woman realizes that she cannot parent but does nothing about it. She delivers the baby, and struggles and struggles, the baby suffers eventually to the point that it is taken by Foster care, the baby is bounced back and forth until he is 6 yrs old where he finally is adopted. The baby now has (lifelong) issues with trust, behavior, etc.

Why on here are couples so terrible for adopting the baby in the first scenario and so wonderful for adopting in 2nd. Why did the baby have to suffer before the women on here find it acceptable to adopt.

And I am not saying every bmom on here who placed would have had their child taken, I am specifically addressing babies that would be taken by CPS.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:32 AM on Aug. 22, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (74)
  • Anon 7:25am-I do understand where you are coming from. I do believe there is a double standard felt here at times. I hesitated to respond because I don't want anyone to feel like we are "saints" for adopting thru foster care. We are not special. HE is special. I don't want our experience to be glorified over others, especially since we were already on this path prior to me coming to CM. I understand how other Amoms must feel who have ALREADY adopted either internationally or domestically. Do I think that it's right for everyone, No. As someone stated before, some children are hurt WHILE they are in care. Is that right, H..., No! What can I do about it? Only what I can do. For my one (or more later). I believe God gave me a heart for an infant child. He gives others desires for older children, sibling groups, special needs children, foreign children. That how we get THE ONE (or more) that we are supposed to love forever. JMHO.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:21 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I think it is up to you and your family to adopt in the manner that you feel is right for you. I don't believe that any child should suffer ever, especially at the hands of their parents. We are adopting thru foster care, but not because we are more "righteous" than those who adopt other ways. We went thru foster care because that's where God told us our child would be. He is perfectly healthy, no special needs, no adverse effects from his mother's habits (praise the Lord!) and we've had him since 6 months. He has bonded with us and he will soon be our son. I have hesitated to say that our FS is w/o special needs so as not to infer that he is "better" than any other child in FC. But feel that I need to set the record straight that if you adopt thru foster care, you won't ever get an infant w/o special needs. BTW, If God had told me that our child was in China, or at an agency down the street, that's where we'd be going.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 7:58 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • Honestly I know of one case where this child has been placed in so many foster homes, and the child has many problems. The child was sexually abused in the foster care system, that was supposed to protect him. His mother has not straightened out her life in years, yet this poor child sits and waits for a mom who never shows. Emotionally this child is so damage it seems nobody can help. Couseling does not help. I often wonder how his life would have been if he would have been adopted from the beginning. His mom still refuses to let go, however she is never there. She cannot see the hurt, pain, and suffering this child goes through. Clearly this is too sad. He continues to go through homes only because he is out of control and it is no wonder. I cannot ever imagine what this child feels to know his mom is out there and yet she never comes to get him. No child should ever have to suffer.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:04 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • Because some of the bmoms feel guilty for their own decision or have issues with it so they expect everyone else to also. I notice they like to convince new bmoms that they made the wrong choice. If that's not mental torture. I am a b mom and I'm all for adoption,I've seen both sides. I hate when the bmoms go off on this huge political rant everytime someone has an adoption question. Thanx to the bmoms who loved their kids enough to give them everything and thax to the amoms who love and commit their lives toi these kids. My ob was adopted, and proud of it!!
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 8:23 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • doodlebop: I hope you know that i am not referring to you when I say there is this double standard. I guess the way to look at it was had your child's bmom made an adoption plan prior to birth, that child would still have been adopted and still wouldnt have been raised by his natural parents.
    On here, had you adopted that SAME child at birth you would be a baby-stealer yet because the baby had to go through the system, you are one of the good guys.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:25 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I have never seen animosity against adoptive parents anywhere but here on CM. I don't understand how anyone can think people who want to adopt are doing something wrong no matter what the situation is.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:59 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • doodlebop:.... I guess the way to look at it was had your child's bmom made an adoption plan prior to birth, that child would still have been adopted and still wouldnt have been raised by his natural parents.


    On here, had you adopted that SAME child at birth you would be a baby-stealer yet because the baby had to go through the system, you are one of the good guys.


    And I have underservingly felt that way on here at times (and perhaps even put myself on a pedastal at times-I am sorry). That's why I don't want anyone to think that we are one of the "good guys" implying that there are "bad guys". All adoptions are unique and individual experiences to the specific parties involved.

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:28 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I don't really believe that any parent who has their child removed by social services sets out to not parent well. In fact, as hard as it is to believe, many mothers and fathers who have had their child removed from their custody, do actually love their child. And that child often is very loyal and loves them. No parent looks at their new born and says, "gee I think that one day I am going to be very neglectful of you." Instead they try. They wish and hope and pray. It is not the same as a mother who places her child at birth. It is not selfish to want to adopt. It is not selfish to want to adopt an infant or an older child. It is not selfish to place your child for adoption. It is selfish to sit back and judge others for their choices when you do not wear their shoes.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:03 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I think what people are mad at is that A. the money adoptive parents spend to adopt a newborn is used to support a very unethical adoption system
    B) that very unethical adoption system coerces, manupulates and puts tremendous pressure on women in crises situations. A lot of women would still have their babies if there wasn't such a demand for babies and the unethical adoption industry.
    If you guys didn't pay 20,000 for a new born there would be no industry. A lot of you are contributing to a lot of unethical adoption agencies.
    I think adopters as a whole need to realize how your demand tears families apart and find more ethical ways to bring a child into your life.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:01 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • What every person needs to know is that until women and children have access to resources and assistance on a national level then we will continue to have women who make adoption plans based on lack of finances and fear of how to support their baby and family. The changes need to start with talking to your representatives about increasing support for things like eligibility for PA and access to health care. Those are for starters. How about housing for single moms? Its about what is and is not available. When reality meets the road, the real situation is that there just are a lot of kids out there who do not have their basic needs met. I worked with kids who were starving. Moms don't want to see that for their kids. They are looking at reality. What is a woman going to do when her baby is sick, needs a script, the ER won't fill it, and she was denied for Medicaid? That IS our reality. Want to change it? So do I.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:52 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

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