Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

has your 5 year old said "I wish you never adopted me?"

My 5 year old son, when he gets mad says that he wishes I never took him from that woman's belly! I almost cried! Sometimes he says he could live with someone else. Is he too young too be thinking that his birth mother gave him up so we can too? I tell him all the time that we are family and he's our son, no matter what he does, and we love him. Leaving is NOT an option! He's only 5, any suggestions?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:41 AM on Aug. 22, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (12)
  • Remember even birth moms get told "I wish you never had me!" & some will attempt in "running away".... my sister has 4 kids & has some pretty entertaining stories of her kids packing up & walking out the door, only to get down the street & come crying back home in a matter of minutes because they got hungry/ thirsty/ hot/cold ....

    Answer by MommaTasha1003 at 11:20 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • He is just saying it to get your goat. I am sure it is hurtful to you, but you can not give him the power that those words hold. He is trying to lash out because he is angry. If he knows it upsets you, he will keep doing it and he will be able to use that one on you for a long time.
    If you ignore it completely he will stop saying it when he realizes it doesn't have the effect he is looking for.
    Kids are wiley and know just how to hit us where it hurts. Your job is to work hard not to let him see it hurts your feelings.

    Answer by Nathskitten at 11:53 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I have a 9 year old and 14 year old daughters that their mother passed away and I get told all the time frm the 9 year old that I am not her mother. I politely tell her that I may not have given birth to her, but for all intense and purposes she is my daughter and I am not going anywhere. I am sorry that she feels that way but I love her very much and she helps complete it.

    Good luck as I have the 14 y/o who I am just trying to figure out because she has just realzed that her mothe if really gone (deceased) and she wants nothing to do with me. I am told that she will come around and I hope so because I have raised her for the past 4.5 years.

    It can get tough, but they do say that to get at you but they do not mean it!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:02 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • It's pretty normal once kids realize they can say something like that. My sister and I both used that line when we were little to our adoptive mother and so has every adopted child I've ever met. Try not to show him that it hurts you and remember once he doesn't actually mean it. He just knows it upsets you.

    Answer by flitpixie at 2:14 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I feel sad for your son, who at five years old, is already
    experiencing a 'gift' of adoption - rejection- in his fear that
    you will leave him too.
    The 'she loved you so much, she gave you away' haunts
    many adoptees throughout our lifes. :(

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:16 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • It really is completely logical that adoptees draw the conclusion early on that if they were given up once it could happen again. Why would we all be shocked that they draw that conclusion? I do agree if this is said in anger then it is being used as an "adoptee zinger" - which we adoptees seem to know how to use most effectively - I'm sorry that it causes so much pain!

    My parented boys have used the reverse on me when they were mad, "I wish you would have given me up too!" I'm both an adoptee and birth mom. Boy those things hurt like heck!!

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:49 AM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • I do however think that we need to pay attention to these remarks made by adoptees for they are windows into how they are working through how they have internized their status. When an adoptee says this, they are not looking for assurances from their adoptive family so much as they are needing to reconcile the feelings of being given away in the first instance.

    Many of us manage this underlying fear from our first abandonment quite masterfully. No one would ever know that we sruggle with this fear in all our subsequent relationships. It doesn't mean that we can't love or receive love, it just means that we need to learn that the fear we feel always needs to be checked against our current situations. Fear from something that happened once can be learned to ignore if you teach an adoptee what that irrational fear is stemming from. It is irrational when there isn't a current risk.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:57 AM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • I used to say that to my mom and in the moment I meant it. But like someone else said, biological children play the game as well. It's like when your child says they hate you. At the moment they do but in the big picture they don't. Also, I think you are doing the right thing by telling him his birth mother loved him and that's why she let you have him. I was also told this as a child and it turned out to be true. it really all depends on the approach and when he gets older and can understand then I'd suggest telling him the circumstances. My parents did that and it really helped me. I now have a great relationship with my biological family.

    Answer by kittieashy at 8:21 PM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • I agree with all of the answers. I have both biological children, and an adopted daughter.

    Kids go through stages where they don't love you, they hate you, they wish they had never been born, they want to go live with a different family...

    It is hard to know when the adoptive child is saying that, is it because of being adopted, or because she's going through the normal. I think it is a combination of both.

    A couple of years ago, when she was 12 and "old enough" to ask very specific questions, I told her the truth. Her mom was raped- but she did not want to get an abortion and kill her, because she knew it wasn't the baby's fault that the man had raped her. She thought that she deserved a life, and a mom AND dad and was worried that she might have bad feeling because of the rape. There is a wonderful pamphlet from the National Right to Life that is called
    "Conceived in Rape, but a Child of God". that I had saved for her.

    Answer by cnmnancy at 9:59 PM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • My 8 year old, at a small outdoor concert, got mad at me and screamed, " I wish you never took me from my uncle craig (bio dad)." I quickly retaliated with "the state took you." But you should have seen the heads turn.

    My point is, when a child is mad they are going to say whatever they think will hurt you the most. I used to tell my mom I was going to live with my dad. Just let it go. He'll get over it. He doesn't really mean it.

    Answer by motherofhope98 at 2:18 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.