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Not that he needs my permission but I think we should at least agree...

he went and invited his mother to come and live yes I said LIVE with us! I am angry...we have been talking about his for months and our last conversation he stated that he would not do anything until we or I had come to him with a soften heart and we talked more about it. Yesterday she called looking for him during the day, he was at work and in our very short conversation she states "I will be seeing you soon" Last night we had a date night so I took the opportunity to bring this up. I feel it better to have "discussions" away from our daughter. I said she made it clear she was coming and I just needed to know a time frame and that she was not going to bring her cat. After hours and I mean hours of bickering back and forth he tells me that he wants her with him until her house is finished. Her house has been in the process of being finished for FIVE years! A huge backstory to this..needless to say I just wanted a voice. HELP

 
Noosa

Asked by Noosa at 11:28 AM on Aug. 22, 2009 in Relationships

Level 20 (8,483 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • Dang... your response put a new spin on for me too.
    I'd be afraid she'd never be able to move out if she's not willing to work etc but on the other hand, it'd sure be hard to let my Mom be homeless if she was still alive.
    I feel bad for both you and him with this decision he's made for your family. I don't think I'd let someone "mean" move in with me and my kids. Kids first is my motto.
    Oh man, I hope something happens quickly so she doesn't move to your house (not as in her getting sick, hurt, etc).
    Much luck to you... I'd almost be telling him that when she moves in, me and the kids are moving out the day before she gets there because I really don't think you're going to get her out of there now after the response.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 2:36 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • Husband's and wives, should not be making decisions without the others input, end of discussion.
    mumma28

    Answer by mumma28 at 11:34 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • The good thing is that if the house as been in the works for five years then it's close to finishing. Good for you for saying no to the cat. (not that I hate cats, it's just a show of boundary setting and that's good). Use the time she is there to get the updates on the house and keep up with it. Call the contractor yourself if you have to but make sure that house gets done quickly! BTW, I do think he was wrong for telling her "ok" without discussing it with you first.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:35 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I am sorry. But you seem to have married a mommas boy. IMO. The way you said it, he is going to do this weather you like it or not. Keep on voicing you opinion about it.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 11:40 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • You have every right to be upset. He should have discussed this with you. Having someone come and live with you, in the house that belongs to BOTH of you is a decision that should be made by BOTH of you. While it's understandable that he would want his mother to be with him, there is no excuse for him not talking to you about this. Try and have another night out and explain calmly to him why this bothered you so bad. Tell him you understand that you understand why he wants his mom there, but you really felt jilted and that decision should never have been made without you. Then work out the details of what it will mean to have her living there... the pros and cons and such. The living arrangements and soforth.
    mom2BOYZnDad

    Answer by mom2BOYZnDad at 11:41 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • It's his Mom... please don't make him choose.
    I do understand your frustration (I've had various in laws live with me from time to time and I lived with my ex mother in law for months).
    You have to ask yourself... if it was your Mom/Dad/Brother/Kids etc, would you want him to tell you that they couldn't come stay? I know kids are different but yes that issue does come to a lot of parents as to how many times, whether it's enabling etc.
    I'm not saying that your voice shouldn't have been heard and your opinon/feelings been taking in to serious consideration, but he already said yes, if you refuse at this point, you're the bad guy. It would make for really hard feelings the whole time she's living there and your kids are going to feel the tension.
    Have a talk with her upfront about your feelings about this, and what the rules are, what's expected, the boundaries and enforce them in a kind but firm way.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 11:45 AM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • He should have waited until you both were in agreement. I think now that it is a 'done deal' you need to tell him that there will be 'rules' that will be followed:
    -- #1- she is not a guest you will not wait on her hand and foot, she also needs to pick up after herself
    #2 - set a time frame. If the house has taken 5 years, let him know that it better be done in X months-- or else he is going to be paying for a hotel room-- for you to stay in until she is moved into her house.
    #3- the cat-- if you don't want the cat tell him it will have to be boarded with someone else for the duration
    #4- she needs to help around the house (if she is able to)
    And other things to consider- would she be included in everything? Would you be able to have 'date' night or alone time?

    Good luck!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 12:01 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I guess I should also say this...The reason her house is not finished is because she made horrific decisions, got into a law suit, lost all her money, and her youngest son kicked her out of his home with his wife and she became homeless. My husband got her into an apartment and she stopped paying rent. She was evicted and now chooses to impose on friends rather than with her siblings that have offered to help. She says she only has one son. She does not even acknowledge the other 2 sons anymore. It is not like we live across the street, she is in CA and we are in WA. Even my hubby says she is mean, negative, and will take a grudge to her death bed! Hubby has told me she does not want to do anything to help herself. not even a part time job. She just wants him to support her in whatever she wants. $$$$$ I am of the mindset, help those who help themselves. I do not see her helping herself at all!
    Noosa

    Answer by Noosa at 12:02 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • That was a crappy move on his part. WHile she's his mother, you are his wife and his partner. You should've had a say/voice in that decision.
    MommyLee08

    Answer by MommyLee08 at 12:05 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I just read your reply on your mil-- she sounds like she is something else and that it will be very difficult to have her live with you. Hmmmm are you sure you can't talk hubby out of it? I think your only choice will be to tell your hubby that if mom moves in, you are moving out to a hotel and he can pay for it!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:14 PM on Aug. 22, 2009