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Question about my sister and her DH

So, this morning she calls me upset. She found a box of pictures and mementos from one of her DHs exgfs, or so she thought. Turns out he was engaged to her. He has nevr told my sister about her. She wouldnt care except for two things. First is the engagement ring he bought for my sister is almost identical to the one he bought for the other woman. Second is that her DH doesnt like kids. He doesnt even want my kids around or his siblings kids. I told her to talk to him. She also found a sort of journal where he wrote down everything that he and this woman did and even so far as to write, incredible sex. Anyway, she asks him about it and he flips. Said that she broke his trust by looking and that he wont answer for his past, that its in the past and doesnt matter anymore. He said he wont live like this and if it is going to keep up they might as well divorce. My sister called me in tears. She never cries!!! EVER!!!!! contd

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jajumommy2000

Asked by jajumommy2000 at 10:47 PM on Aug. 22, 2009 in Relationships

Level 5 (99 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • cont-He is blaming her and said its her fault for being nosy. She wasnt, they just bought a house and she was unpacking things and looking for things to get rid of. He wont talk to her about it and she is devesated. I said you have to tell him how u r feeling and why u r feeling this way. He claims he planned on throwing the box away but if so why not do it when packing FOR the move in the first place? I dont know, I feel so bad for her and think he is being an ass. She was just hurt that he would keep something so important from her. She didnt confront him at all either. She left him a note that said what happened and what she wanted to talk about with him when she got home from work. Anyway, what do u all think?
    jajumommy2000

    Answer by jajumommy2000 at 10:50 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • Well he does have a point- it's in his past and he's married to her now. However, he should've tossed that crap a long time ago, like, before he made the decision to get married. It's one thing to hold on to something like that when 'dating' but another when getting married. Perhaps he just forgot it even existed?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:53 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • She was wrong going through his things. He's got the right to be upset. Things will settle down and all will be well but she needs to respect his private things. Not bashing, just giving my opinion
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:56 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • I think they are both over reacting. He has a past, should he have told her about a prior engagement, most likely, but he may have a reason why he hasn't told her, and there may be a reason why he doesn't want to talk about it. I have no clue what that would be, but it is his past and we all have a right to a little privacy about our past.

    On the other hand he is also not helping the situation, he shouldn't be throwing out words like divorce cause she came across a box of momentos, if he didn't want her to know about it then he shouldn't have had the box mixed in with thier personal belongings.

    As to the whole kids thing...did she not know this already? I can't see him just changing his mind after the fact. She will have to decide if she is ok without kids and go from there.
    luckysevenwow

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 10:57 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • i know that is not the kind of marriage i would be in. first of all, how can your wife be nosy? shes your partner, you guys are a team. i go through everything on my SO's. i go through his phone, all of his stuff, everything, and if he had a problem with it, i would tell him to get the hell out then if hes not okay with me knowing everything about him. in my opinion, in relationships, there is no "being nosy". and the fact that he hid his whole relationship with someone he was engaged too is even more fucked up! i could understand if he didnt tell her everything fling or one night stand or couple of dates hes had, but not telling her about someone he was going to marry is shady. and then keeping a whole box of stuff that has to do with this girl even though hes now engaged to your sister! i had a box of stuff of me and my ex, and i was with my SO for about 3 or 4 months, just boyfriend and girlfriend, and
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 10:58 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • Thats fine. I forgot to add what the issue with kids was. This woman had a son and he did everythng with her son but he wont have anything to do with my kids. My DS is her Godson. And she gets that she needs to respect his things she was just upset and feels that he didnt trust her enough to share his past with her. And I know you werent bashing, just another opinion!!!
    jajumommy2000

    Answer by jajumommy2000 at 11:00 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • i threw out the whole box and all pictures, and he threw out all of his pictures of him and his ex. AND now hes trying to turn it around and make it seem like shes the one who did something wrong?? PLEASE. im sorry but this guy sounds like a scumbag to me. if i was her , i would do some serious thinking before she marrys him!!! she might be really sorry if she does. remind her that their is someone out there who will treat her right. and she should want to marry someone she can trust. if i was her, especially since hes not sorry for what he did, i would leave him no matter how hard it is.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:00 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • Private things???? their engaged and going to get married!!! you dont have private things anymore. you guys a couple, your not single. you share everything.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:02 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • PURPUL-they are already married. Just had their one yr anniversary in July. She just wants to drop the whole thing cause she doesnt wanna make waves but to me this is important. He isnt even willing to listen to why she was so upset. She wasnt even mad really, just hurt. Plus there were pics of him and this other woman at baseball games and she cant drag him to go with her!! I hate that she is hurting because other than this they really have a great marriage! But usually people turn things around on the other person when they feel bad but dont want to admit it...
    Oh and as far as kids she doesnt want any either but gets upset when he doesnt want to spend time with her and my kids.
    jajumommy2000

    Answer by jajumommy2000 at 11:06 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

  • well, if she just wants to drop the whole thing, then i guess thats what shes going to do. but thats not what i would do. this would be a pretty big deal to me. and about the baseball games thing, this whole thing sounds like he may still be in love with this other girl.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:10 PM on Aug. 22, 2009

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