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Birthmom trying to adopt....

I'm a birthmom i gave my son up for adoption almost 3 years ago, and shortly after having my son i was told i was high risk and was adviced against getting pregnant again. Well i'm about to get married so naturally kids come up and my SO is like very dead set on me never getting preganant. (i want to try at least once more) So we started thinking about adopting. Well that leaves me with the fear that my son may grow up and think, Why would she give me up just to take someone elses child? or other things like that. (sorry forgot to mention i have a semi-open adoption) But i was just wandering if there were other birthmoms who have adopted or anything really on birhtmoms adopting.
Thank you
God bless
and Much Love

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Whitney_Lynn

Asked by Whitney_Lynn at 11:23 PM on Aug. 22, 2009 in Adoption

Level 3 (26 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Good question! Have you asked this in the Birthmoms group? Iminterested in the replies you will get here too, but a wider range of birth moms exist in that group than those of us that Appear here :)

    I do think that it is entirely within the realm of possibility that an adopted child would have more of a struggle finding that their birthparent went on to adopt a child after they were relinquished. When you have accepted that " you were given up because your birth mom was not able to parent you" it is quite a shock to find that subsequent children were parented. A shock that can be overcome, understood, and eventually something that can bring great joy to an adoptee in sibling relationships.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:29 AM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • I'm an adoptee from the closed adoption era and also a birth mom who relinquished my first born. Iactually happen to be sitting right next to her right now! She and I have been in reunion since she was 7 (she's now 19). She had a really hard time working through the fact that I had gone on to parent her 2 brothers - but she WAS 7 trying to work through that.

    Her instinct on the question you posed was simlar to mine. She worries that finding your birth parent chose to adopt after giving up a previous child would be even a harder thing fir an adoptee to work thruogh - not impossible, but harder.

    All of this is to say....your concerns are indications of the great care and concern you are showing, both for the feelings of your first born AND for the feelings of a child who would join your family through adoption. I do not mean to dissuade you in any way, so many children deserve a chance for a permanent home.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:38 AM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • Do you think that there might also be things to consider for the adoptee in your home? I wonder if it would be good to think through how you would let this new child know that they have a sibling that was placed for adoption. There may be additional insecurities to think through and be watchful for there too.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:41 AM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • You have the right to parent a child. I'm sorry that you have a complicated medical history that puts you at risk should you conceive again. I think talking to your child's adoptive parents about preparing your first child that you are going to be a mom again and that you are adopting is key, when it is right to explain to this child - age appropriate. Explaining that you had her/him and why you placed, explaining your medical difficulties (age appropriate) and that you are now ready to parent and provide the way you wished you could have at the time of your first child's birth. It is an adoptee's right to feel what they do and it is their process they work out....you have the right to allow yourself the ability to move forward and create a family with your husband.  It may be hard for your first child to cope with but when done with care and sensitivity both children can understand.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:11 PM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • I believe timing is everything in adoptions. And as I am listening to Port & her daughter's thoughts on the matter, it makes me think that when our soon-to-be adopted son grows up and is discovering things about his birth mother, that I will be able to teach him that "she couldn't parent him AT THAT TIME in her life." She's very young, and it would be terrible to think that she is doomed to a life of childlessness, because she wasn't able to parent him AT THAT TIME in his & her life. I pray that she makes positive changes in her life, finds a wonderful man, marries him and has more children and can keep them. While placing a child for adoption is a life-long decision, it shouldn't be a dream-ending decision. You have the right to parent children. It's wonderful that you are considering your first child's feelings, proof that you have a mother's heart. Good luck to you.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 7:49 PM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • This won't answer your question, but I would strongly advise getting the opinion of another physician or nurse-midwife, and perhaps more than one. I am assuming that your SO does not want you to become pregnant because he is concerned for your health and safety.

    Different providers have very different opinions and agendas. I have seen very few instances where it was really, truly advisable not to become pregnant.

    That said, we have an adopted daughter. Her birth mother did go on to get married and have two boys. She was a little concerned and had questions, but she herself decided that it was because when she was born, her birth mom "did not know how to take care of a baby, but now she does". She came to that conclusion herself, at the age of 5 or 6. She is now almost 15.

    I think it would be understandable when you present it as a similar type of situation, and also that of a child in need of a home..
    cnmnancy

    Answer by cnmnancy at 9:47 PM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • I'm not a birthmother but a reunited adoptee. I am #4 of 6 on my moms side and only one placed. I thought this was as bad as it got as far as coming to grips with my feelings. Then I found my father. My birth father went on to adopt 4 years after my relinquishment at birth. I can't explain my emotions when I found this out. Not even sure there are words. No way to candy coat it. I was given away to strangers and replaced with one. Nothing they say will ever change that.






    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:25 PM on Aug. 25, 2009

  • Anon above me....I made the mistake of surrendering my second born and it was after hearing stories like yours that made me decide to get a tubal after her birth. I couldn't imagine the pain and hurt I have already caused my children and did not want to add to that. To me, it does send the message that there was "something wrong" with the child surrendered, even if that was not the case and it was other circumstances, it can still feel that way.

    I know many birthmoms who have gone on to adopt.....but I cannot ever bring myself to attempt to get pregnant again or adopt a child. I have no real opinion on whether or not its right or wrong, because it is up to the individual person....but I know I could never do it. And even if I do get baby fever (which I have, don't get me wrong) I remember WHY I chose to never have kids again.

    But my case is different than the OP. If anything, I would wait longer than a few years....
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 10:20 AM on Aug. 26, 2009

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