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Why must extended family members of adopted adults make our lives harder to reunite peacefully?

Why is it every ones place is to have an opinion in the families especially when not one member supported us when we needed it the most. Not one member of either familiy -bio or adoptive- has walked in my shoes but you better believe I have a ton of Dr. Phils wagging there tongues.

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CECE09

Asked by CECE09 at 12:47 AM on Aug. 23, 2009 in Adoption

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • No joke.Agree with you .My sister,who is supportive, agrees about my concerns for my mom etc.So my therapist and I have decided that it would be best to not include anyone anymore till after a reunion,if there is one.I change subject and just will not discuss at all.Sometimes it is very hard to make them let go.I think I sound crazy because after I say I will not discuss this at all I try ignore all comments and discuss anything else but that.They will keep going on and I;m talking about school starting.Mine will try to control everything again.This time they are not.It is not mine to control but it is not theirs either.Think how crazy it must sound when I am with those members of my family.Gotta laugh not to cry.Good luck,you know what is best not the Dr.Phils-great image.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 1:13 AM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • This is a good question! I think that often times birth parents are percieved (even by family members who love them) as being "forever" in need of outside counsel when it comes to reunion. Just as adoptees scratch their heads in wonder when they become adults - why they are so often treated as if they are still that helpless infant.

    Actually, it is quite common for family members who were "silent" at the time of adoption to become quite vocal upon reunion. Usually the noise is based in the sudden "coming to light" of a decision that they were quite content to stay the way it has been.

    I am so hopeful that open adoptions will fundamentally change this aspect of adoption reunion.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 1:18 AM on Aug. 23, 2009

  • In simple terms, they just don't know any better. Some people feel compelled to offer opinions too, even about things they really know nothing about. Many folks seem to think they understand adoption (including reunions), when they are totally ignorant about the whole process. Everyone does seem to have opinions, but few are really helpful or insightful. And, some people just plain think they know EVERYTHING and need to blurt it all out.

    I would never express an opinion about lots of things that I know nothing about, but, somehow EVERYONE seems to think they know all about adoption and feel free to share their opinions. It is puzzling to me.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:01 AM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • It's not just reunion, it's also open adoption. It's because they still think that newborn children are blank slates and when they are transfered to the adoptive family, that's the end of it. Shattering that myth takes a very time.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:27 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • Not so much blank slates! After 20 years my daughter and I reunited and she is alot like me. She is also like her grandparents and great grandparents and so much like my other 3 children it is crazy. I took care of her for her 1st week in the hospital. When we reunited it wasn't magical it was very nervous. We are still trying to figure out our relationship. I think we have to go with our hearts not what other people think. We need to be polite and let people talk and pretend we listen and agree as to not make waves but do what we feel is right and proove everyone else wrong.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:15 AM on Aug. 26, 2009

  • Wow, thanks birth moms for telling it like u feel. I am an adoptee that just reunited a few months back and there are already wars going on between sibs n aunt with momma. Momma is like a lioness though protecting me. I did not come back to my family to start an upheavel, just wanted the love and support of my mother and family if possible. I too have so much of all of them in me that for them to deny me they are denying themselves, but we can't stop jealousy and envy short of prayer.
    My side of the story, they better take me as I am cause this is my family and I'm not gonna be let out in the cold ever again and momma knows it and excepts it and that's all that matters to me. So sibs, cousins, and wicked aunt better watch out move over cause I'm grabbing my limb on the tree !
    MamasShadow

    Answer by MamasShadow at 9:21 AM on Feb. 7, 2010

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