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is it wrong of me....

to not want to have my husband's son live here just because his mother can't handle the responsibility of being a mother? is it wrong that i think he's a bad influence on my kids because he doesn't care about schoolwork? all he wants to do is play videogames 24/7 or watch tv. is it wrong of me to be selfish like this? is it wrong that he has set different standards for his son compared to the higher standards we have for my kids?

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:28 PM on Aug. 24, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (18)
  • Yeah it's actually kind of wrong, you love your husband then you should respect his family, his son was around before you and obviously needs his dad at this point, and that is your kid's 1/2 brother, how rude of you. At least if he's with you guys there's still hope and you can teach him and work with him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:31 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • All that stuff that you don't want him to do can be changed when he moves in with you. Just make sure that your husband and you are on the same page and that he can't pin you against each other and make sure he knows that there will be rules and they will be followed or he will have consequences. If your husband doesn't agree with this I would have a problem too. But the welfare of the child should come before your own happiness.

    Answer by feesharose at 12:33 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • These are things that you need to talk to your husband about, especially of his son is possibly going to be moving in with you. It's not wrong of you to feel the way you do, but when you married him you agreed to be "step-mom" to his son and that means there is the possibility that at some point or another you are going to play a part in raising him. Looks like that may be more so than you thought now. He should have the same rules as your other children in your home, no special treatment, and you need to tell your husband that and explain why that is (sibling rivalry, bad influence, jealousy etc.) This boy obviously needs somebody like you and/or his father if his mother can't take care of him at this point, he needs somebody who cares enough to give him rules, regulations, responsibility etc. just like a child needs.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:34 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • I'd say it's not wrong to feel that way, but it would definately be wrong for you to act on it. The kid is probably like that because he's got a slack mother and with some good parenting he can change. It is your husbands child, what if he tried to tell you that your children couldn't live with you? Sounds crazy right? Because it is. The kid needs good influences, you could change the ret of his life.

    Answer by shawneewaiting at 12:37 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • Get a counsellor is my advice, and tell him this in front of a counsellor. If you take in ss as is things will turn bad in your home. if yo go into counselling together and work things out of discipline, expectations, and rewards and also bring in ss to counselling things will be much much better.

    Call around from the phone book, some accept insurance and a lot of counsellors cost all different amounts of money.

    Two of my relatives had similar problems one with a step and another with a bio child. The step was booted out and lived finally with still more other relatives that he himself always got along well with and he calmed down and matured.

    My other relative was too lenient and that child had to go to boot camp. He ended up maturing too hopefully it will last.

    Counselling now could really help you now and in the future.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:37 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • it is wrong,becouse it is his kid,if it were your child would you tell them they cant live there?i have a wil be 17 yr old stepson who is the same way and walks around here being rude to me and his dad.if he is young enough mabe you could actualy help him.but i wouldnt tell a kid he couldnt live here.i also have a 14month old with hubby who i have high standers for too,and sometimes his son is mean to her,its just something i have to deal with......becouse he is his son.

    Answer by angelairelan at 12:38 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • It's wrong because you say his mom doesn't want him so you basically want your husband to do the same thing? How would you feel if you and your husband separated and he told you he didn't want the kids you two have together? .. The issues this kid is having is probably stemming from his mom not wanting him, maybe your husband (AND YOU!!) can take him in and help him change. BTW, I can probably guarantee that your kids aren't little angels either..

    It bugs me to no end when a step parent steps in and doesn't want a parent taking their own child in because it's not the step parents...

    As for the standards, he probably has them differently because he doesn't see his son every day like he sees your kids.

    Answer by KalebsMommee at 12:41 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • I agree it is wrong to not want him to live with you. You have to accept that he is that way also if he is between 9-12 they do play alot of video games. You just need to set limits. My ss was the same way. He ended up moving back with his mom and things ended very badly because I was to selfish to have him in my house. You need to work together he is what is important as well as your kids.

    Answer by robinsi2000 at 12:46 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • I had to double check to make sure I hadn't posted this question! lol you sound just like me. My ss lives with us and all he does is play video games, watch tv, doesn't do his homework or any chores. Yes MY children are held to a higher standard and I do think my ss is a bad influence on them. I tried to raise him my way but dh won't back me up so i just leave it alone. I am not a bad person, I can only do so much, I tried so hard with this kid but I ended up always being "the bad guy" and after so many fights with dh about ss I GAVE UP . It was either that of my marrige, if you want to talk more send me a friend request

    Answer by Bjoycassell at 12:46 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

  • OP here. the mother of the child wanted him to be with her and now she doesn't because it doesn't allow her freedom, etc. so why shouldn't i stand up and say "she needs to raise him because prior to us getting married, he had the child. she wanted child back. the child wanted to be with her." you think the child doesn't know what's going on and wouldn't hesitate to play parent against parent? he knows damn well he can play us all against each other. he's done it for years and that is why all of his family members allow him to play videogames 24/7. it's easier than dealing with a whiny child to them.
    and my kids aren't perfect little angels by any means but they respect my husband when i'm not around and i cannot say the same for step-son. i've brought up the point of fairness when it comes to all the kids but my husband thinks i'm imagining things.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:55 PM on Aug. 24, 2009

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