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Abusive relationships

My sister's husband of one year has been abusive physically and emotionally the entire time they have been together. The most recent incident she finally was brave enough to call911. Her husband was put in jail but was released on bail. She had her hearing this morning and told the city attorney that is working on the case that she has blocked everything out and can't tell him anything that happened to her. Her husband had strangled her to the point that she was so close to dying that she lost control of her bladder. How can a person allow someone to be so abusive to them and still love them and want to protect them from going to jail?? I have never been in an abusive relationship so I cannot understand what goes on in the victims mind. As an older sister what can I do to help her get out this situation???

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:52 PM on Aug. 25, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • It's hard to see the outside when you are inside...kinda like a dog will stay with it's owner when it's beat...that's how it sees affection/attention so it won't leave. You can't help her until she's ready to help herself, unfortunately...if she won't testify about what he did, you can't do anything.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 6:54 PM on Aug. 25, 2009

  • Have his a$$ killed! I would if it was my sister! i would find a BIG dude to kick his a$$!!! Every day if I had too! something must have happended to your sister in childhood to allow this kind of behavior from a man. Look deeper. Or she may be scared out of her mind that he will kill her!
    forevermom75

    Answer by forevermom75 at 6:58 PM on Aug. 25, 2009

  • It must be difficult for you. Be there for her and listen...you can only advice her to get out so much before you start drifting her away from you and protect him even more. I can somewhat relate to what you're going through. 9 years ago my step sister was killed by her abusive boyfriend in front of their 1 year old daughter. Everyone told her to get out-she finally did, she got back together with him for a short time but never got her apartment key back when they broke up. The night she died he called her threatening her that he was going to kill her and she didn't pay him no attention-well he did. It is a very scary situation and most abusive men do not stop. Like I said be there for her but she's going to have to make the decision to make it stop for good. good luck
    LuvmyFam6

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 6:58 PM on Aug. 25, 2009

  • She believes he is sorry. She wants to make it work. Doesn't want to have a failed marriage. Thinks she deserves it. Thinks that he just made a mistake, not that he is an abuser. She does not see it clearly. I agree you cant help unless she wants it. Just make sure that she knows she can come to you anytime she needs to. That you are there for her and want to help without judging her. I don't think there is much more you can do. I think that the state will press charges on their own if they see alot of physical damage after she calls the police. or maybe if someone else witnesses it, they can press charges. Good luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:59 PM on Aug. 25, 2009

  • You can only let her know your there for her. You can't make her leave him, only she can decide when/if she leaves him. Just tell her when she's ready to get away from him you'll be there for her....and MEAN it...alot of people will say that but when it comes down to it they can't follow through. If she does leave him he could get very violent and crazy, he may threaten you and your family and your children...then your support person backs out! So she's stuck again. If you tell her you'll be there for her you have to be prepared to go through whatever it takes. If she asks you for help, you or her call your local Women's Crisis Center, they are wonderful, and can help her make an escape plan and even give her a place to stay if it gets too crazy.
    robinann5

    Answer by robinann5 at 7:07 PM on Aug. 25, 2009

  • fear of being alone? confusing love with obsession? controlled by him and he tells her she can't do anything without him? low self esteem? relationship addiction? There are many reasons for it. The biggest thing is that she needs to be aware that it is NOT LOVE. It took me years to get rid of my abusive x. I even had to move to another state. It's not easy. She needs some serious counseling. I hope the domestic violence shelter is helping get her that counseling bc it won't stop. It only escalates. One counselor told me it was a socially acceptable form of suicide. Women get depressed and give up and allow these men to harm them in hopes of dying. Ask her if that's what she wants bc he will if given enough chances.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:20 PM on Aug. 25, 2009

  • I WOULD KICK HIS A-WORD OR GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT THEN THREATEN HIM I WOULD TELL HIM IF HE DOESNT STRAIGHTEN UP I WOULD CUT HIS JUNK OFF AN IF HE TRIES ME I WILL LET HIM KNOW SOMEHOW THAT IM SERIOUS!
    NativeMommy423

    Answer by NativeMommy423 at 1:48 AM on Aug. 26, 2009

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