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ok so May 2008 my husband left me and our 10 month old and our unborn baby. I am now with a wonderful man who loves us all and my girls call him Dada. My youngest has never met her biological father and my 2 year old doesnt remember him at all. He never calls and hasnt sent money since last year. He has been living with his teenage girlfriend and her 2 kids ( they are both girls and the same age as my 2) but suddenly he wants to coem see my kids. I'm not sure how to handle the visit. I still have some less than nice feelings about my divorce and I'm not sure how I'll react. My 2 y.o is very shy even with her grandparents so what do I do if she wont go to him at all...and my 9 month old is beginning to have stranger anxiety. I'm just at a loss as to how to handle all this...any advice from moms who have been here before...

 
singlemom4God

Asked by singlemom4God at 2:21 PM on Aug. 26, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (7)
  • "I'm not sure how I'll react"

    Like the strong adult woman you are would be a good start. **smile** You're divorced, and he's nothing more than a fly in the ointment.

    "so what do I do if she wont go to him at all...and my 9 month old is beginning to have stranger anxiety."

    You're not responsible for them being a bit shy or afraid. If they are, they are. You tell him exactly what you've written here. If his feelings are hurt,. OH WELL. He chose to not be in their lives all this time...he's reaping what he has sown.

    Keep your head held high...you are the one in the right.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:53 PM on Aug. 26, 2009

  • First off, what kind of visitation is he allowed according to the divorce? Second it would probably be easier for your children if you were there and stayed by their side during the visit. They more than likely won't go to him as you have mentioned so he really shouldn't expect them to be all like "Daddy!" Take it slow. Maybe he's had a change of heart and feels bad for not being there for his own kids. Don't let your guard down though. These are your children. You're the only stable parent between you and him that they have ever had aside from the man you're dating. I wouldn't deny them a chance at a real relationship with their bio dad unless he really is a dead beat who will do them wrong. Like I always say, use your heart and do what's best for your children.
    prcd_n_tatd

    Answer by prcd_n_tatd at 2:33 PM on Aug. 26, 2009

  • Chances are that if he develops a relationship with the kids now he will be in and out of their lives as he pleases based on his history. They don't need a childhood of being let down over and over again by their "dad." I'm not against the idea but it's a gamble... It could be a positive thing for them too if he is consistent. Maybe you should give it some time and feel him out to see if this is a for sure thing.
    verygina

    Answer by verygina at 2:40 PM on Aug. 26, 2009

  • I say let him visit them. When they behave like he is a stranger, he might back off. If he doesn't show any interest in them on a regular basis, I would have him give up parental rights and let your current DH adopt them.
    JawgaMom1

    Answer by JawgaMom1 at 3:54 PM on Aug. 26, 2009

  • He wont give up his rights JawgaMom I have already asked...and our divorce is not final but because he lives out of state his visitation rights have been reserved til a later date...verygina-your right on with the unstable part...my dad was in and out and i know how much pain it caused me growing up. I dont want that for my babies. prcd-i would love them to have a great relationship with him but i know he hasnt had a change of heart, he is only coming becuase we have court and if he doesnt he will go to jail. he is a deadbeat and its his nature to do everyone he crosess wrong...he is abusive and all around a bad guy that i am thankful now that my daughters dont have to be raised around...
    singlemom4God

    Answer by singlemom4God at 12:30 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • Wait, can't you get his parental rights revoked if he's a dead beat? I'm certainly no attorney and I could be way off base. Maybe someone else knows more??
    I feel for you as this has to be truly frustrating and painful for you and your girls. You are the obviously the only one of their parents' to give them stability and a good example. Stay strong and know that your CM Sisterhood stands with you! (fist bump)
    JawgaMom1

    Answer by JawgaMom1 at 3:13 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • (fist bump) i spoke with my attorney and we cant unless i file complaints of abuse but its something very few people know about my relationship and something i dont want to get into...i even asked if he would give up his rights so he doesnt have to pay child support...its all about image for him...what would it look like if he gave up his rights...i wish he would and just disappear.
    singlemom4God

    Answer by singlemom4God at 4:07 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

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