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How do i approach my friend about her daughters discipline issues?

OK my best friend has a daughter that is 2 months older than my twin boys. Her daughter just turned two and mine will in October. Her daughter is an only child and my friend doesnt really disipline her in any way. She may tap (and i may very very lightly) her if she does something. Well the last couple times she has come over with her daughter after she left one or both of my boys had scratches, bite marks, or bruises. Today her daughter bit my son (who was laying in his bed trying to take a nap) on the face. Now he has a bruise and teeth marks on his cheek just under his eye. The first incident that happened she scratched teh other child's face and the next day it looked like freddie krueger had attacked him. Then just the other day she left bite marks on the same child she bit today on his arm (there's still bruises). I don't know what to say to her, because she really doesnt do anything about it when it happens.

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Asked by pinkisforme0415 at 6:00 PM on Aug. 27, 2009 in Toddlers (1-2)

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Answers (10)
  • Wow, that's messed up. I would be very upfront with her since her daughter is endangering your boys. I would tell her that her daughter is hurting your boys and you don't feel it's right for you to step in and discipline her yourself, but something needs to be done so that your boys don't get hurt by her any more. Right now, you need to consider your boys' safety about your friend's feelings.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:22 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • *above your friend's feelings. Sorry for the typo.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:22 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • I agree with the previous poster. I think children can be a large issue between friends, but you have to put your children first, and although the kids are two, and her behavior isn't uncommon for a two year old, if she isn't disciplined she will be behaving the same way as she gets older, unless some tougher kid hurts her back!! Your friend may not realize what her child is doing (although then she's not supervising her daughter well enough) and if she doesn't like what you say, then she's not being considerate of your family.....and that's a deal breaker.

    Answer by ohwrite at 7:09 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • I totally agree with the prvious people. If she is really your best friend then you need to be the one to tell her. And if she doesn't repremand her child then you may have to step in and explain to her daughter that's it's not nice to bite and hurt other people.( on a 2 year old level of course) And if worse come to worse then you will have to keep your children apart. Maybe just have her as a friend that you go out to dinner with or go shopping with!

    Answer by Melissa6280 at 7:19 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • It's your job to protect your boys at this age. It's common for toddlers to bite and scratch. If you don't want to watch your kids when they are over then it would probably be best not to have them over until you want to watch your children, your children are old enough to get away, or she is old enough that she isn't doing it any more.

    It sounds like you expect her to hit her daughter. Physical punishment is not the way to teach a child to stop physically hurting others. Hitting children can make it worse. Sounds like you need to learn more about watching out for your kids and how to shape children's behavior without punishment.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:25 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • What happens when she scratches your kids?

    If her daughter is hurting your kids and she isn't telling her no or telling her it is wrong, then I would personally tell her it is wrong myself. If her mother isn't going to let her know that scratching and biting arent things you do then I would do it myself.

    Although I think it is the mothers responsibility to make sure her kid turns out well, I do think that other adults should also be able to help out with teaching them right or wrong. I mean I am nnot the only one who teaches my son - my entire family do and also some groups I go to the parents all take responsibility of all the kids so its not just me looking out for my son. I think kids learn better this way too and it should be a community.

    Anyway rambling..just tell her no yourself if her mother isnt. If she still retaliates and her mother STILL doesnt do anything - tell her to leave.

    Answer by keyaziz at 9:26 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • i have a similar problem with my best friends son. he doesn't bite but he will kick if my son gets to close to the other child's mom. my son will be playing with a toy and the other child will come and scream "HEY, MINE" and take it away. She will never do anything about it, so i started taking it into my own hands and i will take the toy away and give it back to my son. up until today actually my son would run away if the other child got to close. But now my son started hitting back and he actually hit the other child in the face, and you know what i did about it... nothing. maybe not the best parenting choice on my part BUT she needed to see what it was like to have another child pick on her son for a change. but i finally went to her a few weeks ago and told her that she needs to start disciplining her son more. she wasnt offended.

    Answer by softbalchic2004 at 11:33 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • at 2 the other child probably knows what you mean when you say no and she probably knows what she is doing is wrong. you just need to talk to your best friend about it and if she gets mad at you then she really isnt a best friend at all and you may need to find new friend cause your children are getting hurt.

    Answer by softbalchic2004 at 11:34 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • To the anonymous poster who thinks i dont want to watch my kids when she is over, where did you come to that conclusion? I saw her daughter bite him. Obviously i was watching! And when i took him into the kitchen where she had ran and her mother was, i told the little girl thats not nice, why did you do that, you hurt him. I dont expect her to hit her child, but she does need to reprimand her in SOME way. She cant just let her do stuff like that. Time out would suffice.

    Answer by pinkisforme0415 at 11:45 PM on Aug. 27, 2009

  • You firstly need to talk to your friend. She is setting her child up for the future, and discipline of some sort it required just about everywhere. School, work, shopping, you don't always get to do whatever you want. Secondly, explain that if they are in your house, it is your rules. You discipline her without being physical (that can lead to problems.) Tell her she has to sit on time out, stand in the corner, or stay in whatever room you are in because she isn't behaving. Enforce it. Just be fair in that she is being treated like you would want your own kids for the same behavior. Your children shouldn't have to be watched constantly while another terrorizes them in their own home. As long as you are fair about it and inform your friend about the new rules, it can work out without harming the friendship.

    Answer by BunniBunni at 1:02 AM on Aug. 28, 2009

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