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Is it my fault...what do I do...what can I say...how can I fix this?

My ex is an alcoholic but he had been sober the past week and was taking something for it. I have two days off where I sit home alone and on my last day everything started getting to me...I became VERY insecure. When I talked to him later on that evening I was mad, upset, insecure and confused because I didnt know what was going to happen with us, when he was going to come back or if we were ever going to be together again so I took it out on him and one thing lead to another...we got into a big hurtful fight. Hes been drinking since then and not taking the pills that are suppose to help. I blame myself because if I would have kept my mouth shut, he woundn't of turned to drinking. He says he doesnt blame me but that I didnt help. When he drinks, he shuts out the world for days and drink a lot...he tells me that he may not wake up and that he is going to keep on drinking because he doesnt care about living or anything anymore.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:32 PM on Aug. 29, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • wow...you both should get some professional help...there are some great programs out there....you should probably end this relationship too...for your sake and his...its not healthy....and btw its NOT your fault he is an alcholic...that is a problem he would of had with or without you and it is something he will struggle with for the rest of his life...one day at a time.
    abbyg

    Answer by abbyg at 5:36 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • Honey, don't be so hard on yourself. He is an adult and he can take responsibility for his own actions and how he handles conflict. You cannot keep all of your feelings to yourself just because you worry about how he may react to the confrontation. Do your best to talk to one another when you can both be calm and not say hurtful things...which is definitely not always easy....and I would possibly try to get him to talk to his doctor or a counselor as well. I know this is difficult and I know that you are feeling guilty, but like I said, he is accountable for the way he chooses to react when things get tough, whether it be at home, at work, with family members.
    MansfieldMomma

    Answer by MansfieldMomma at 5:37 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • Many couples have these fights when one decides to stop drinking. If he stops drinking then life in the family will change and sometimes it is scary. We stress. It happens. If he doesn't blame you then you shouldn't blame yourself. If he wants to stop drinking then he'll try again just like you can try again to not fight over things you are merely afraid MIGHT happen in the future. Take it one day at a time and get through each one as best you can. Drop the guilt and just try again. You will figure it out
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:38 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • If he is an alcoholic then maybe was looking for a reason to drink again. That doesn't make it youre fault. You had a fight, you didn't put the drink in his hand or mouth. Some alcoholics look for reasons to drink again and it is easy to blame it on someone else. I hope it works out and he does stop again. But the fight isn't the only reason he took that drink again.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:40 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • I agree with admckenzie. This is an addition that he's overcoming.
    It was the same with my husband and him quitting his cigarettes. He was just that more irritable and annoying while he was trying to quit - and down the road, we had a lot of petty arguments, including full blown ones where we were all just on edge.
    I also agree with abby. it would be great if you two got counseling, you to resolve your insecurity issues and whatever else you'd want to discuss, and your DH's - for the same reasons and support for the alcoholism. It's also suggested that couples take counseling anyways when one is kicking an addiction, because it's a HUGE obstacle to overcome and a very rewarding one, and both need to be on that same road - to gain the support and love that everyone needs while battling an addiction.
    I wouldn't place the guilt all on yourself. Good luck.
    K_Sawyer

    Answer by K_Sawyer at 5:44 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • counselling counselling counselling. alcoholism is an addiction like any other addiction and there are plenty bad bad ones. get counselling for yourself and not first from alcoholics anony. For you yourself to see what you want and help to get it and maintain your self respect. If you're Catholic I know Catholic Charities does counselling. And a lot of churches both Catholic and Episcopal do meetings of support. I'm not sure if in either if a participant must be one of those religions.

    My husband has an addiction to and it is pure hell. Years later I wish I'd been told to get counselling and not told men do that honey. this honey has no sugar left for her addict husband.

    Addiction is lifelong it is not conquered to rarely or never return. Addiction is dealt with through the life of the addict and those around him or her. Take my word for it your worth not waiting and wondering,worrying,crying,pleading with him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:46 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • If you want, check out my group. It will help you fix your situation. Message me if you want the info. There is always a way to fix things. It's not going to be easy though.
    Dee9283

    Answer by Dee9283 at 5:47 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • This kind of situation isn't easy to deal with, I know. But the thing you need to do is remember that if he's going to be sober it's gotta be his doing, not yours. He has to find the strength within himself to stop drinking no matter what the situation is. Another thing that I'm sure nobody has told you is that you're too emotionally involved and he is playing on that. Take a step back and try to take a look from the outside looking in without feelings or emotions and assess the situation. Also get some help from a support group. There are support groups on cafemom for wives with alcoholic husbands. Good luck to you and I'm sorry, it sucks being married to an alcoholic.
    Blueloveaura

    Answer by Blueloveaura at 7:09 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • Its not your fault. I have been dealing with the same things all my life, but not with a SO, with my father. No matter what he says, its his fault...not yours. He needs to get professional help, and you need to end the relationship. Its not healthy for either one of you.
    fallnangel93

    Answer by fallnangel93 at 7:24 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • An alcoholic with 1 week of sobriety under his belt is still an alcoholic. It isn't your fault and never was. You both need some kind of counseling. He has to want to be sober and nothing you do will matter. He will never be cured so you need to get it into your head that no matter what he says or does you are not responsible if he drinks. It's his decision.
    itsmesteph11

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 7:28 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

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