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Grudges...a need for space...or a bullying tactic?

I recently asked a question about a grudge being held against me. The answers I received got me thinking. Am I bothered more about being avoided by my sister-in-law or am I feeling out of control? The advice I've already received was to leave her (my SIL) be, as if I was harassing her. The fact of the matter is, me and my SIL haven't been in eachother's presence in over a year and we haven't
communicated in 7 months. I wish this didn't bother me...but it does. I want to be rid of this distance, I want to be rid of this game. Now that all my attempts to openly discuss our misunderstandings have been rejected, if I invite her, she says no. If I am going, she does not. If she can avoid me, she will. Her control of this grudge disturbs me. It makes me just want to scream--get over it! But instead, I 'm just filled with anxiety about this quarrel that just won't go away. Any advice?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:24 PM on Aug. 29, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • This is a rough one. As a matter of fact, I have a similar situation going on in my life. The best advice that I can give you is to give it time and to occasionally reach out.

    It's very difficult to give up control over any aspect of life. Perhaps in time you will realize that she didn't add a lot to your life and feel a little better - but if not, by continuting to reach out at intervals that are not suffocating or harrassing, you can both reassure yourself that you are doing everything that you can to make amends and giving her the chance to reach out as well.

    I know that it must be even harder since she is a family member. By refusing to be in your presence, she is dragging the rest of the family into your quarrel. In time, they will grow tired of it too, and may give her a nudge in your direction.

    I wish that I had magic words of advice, I don't. Just be good to yourself and remember you tried.

    Answer by lawmom623 at 11:13 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • boy Have I been there! the problem is she doesn't care enough about you or the situation and you care to much! This is what I did. I just stopped trying. I let her be and after awhile she started to come around, but I have to say that the crap she put me through, caused to much damage and I didn't and still don't want much to do with her. I think know she realizes that and is sorry for it, but like i said before. Just stop asking to do things and stop wanted to talk about whatever happened. More or less, just move on with your life.


    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 9:32 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • I didn't read your first post. are you upset that your sil has moved on and she isn't paying you any attention.Or,do you want her to pay you attention,if,that's what you want,you need to go to her and say,I'M SORRY, sometimes we have to apologize,even when we know in our hearts we have done nothing wrong,I have learned,sometimes when another person is hurting because of us,you just have to say, I don't know what I did to hurt you,but,it's hurting me,so please accept my apology,if, she accept you both will be happy,if,she don't accept your apology,you will feel so much better,because at least you tried,and you can truly move on. Asking for forgiveness is very hard,but accepting forgiveness is even harder.


    Answer by lady-t3984 at 9:46 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • Yes, I did apologize. I apologized for my need to talk about what she did to me and refused to talk about..

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:52 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • I think you should just leave your SIL alone if you did all you can. If she doesn't want to be bothered and doesn't like you for whatever reason that is her right. Not everyone will like you and you just have to come to terms with that. Others should be allowed to live their life around whoever they please. Have you really even tried to in a nice way let her know you want to be closer? Or was it a what is your problem with me? Because me and my SIL don't talk and I can only guess why at best. She hasn't reached out nor have I, so I just leave her alone and she leaves me alone. The person who cares the most has to do the reaching. But if the person who cares most just complains and tries to demonize the other by playing the innocent victim, it solves nothing and only makes the problem worst.


    Answer by SylviaNCali at 10:02 PM on Aug. 29, 2009

  • Yes, I have really tried in a nice way tried to let her know I want to be closer. Never has it been "What is your problem with me?" If anything, I'd welcome the answerto that question! At least then we would be talking. I've seen myself as the person who cares more-- ever since we've met. For years I did the reaching. Looking the other way, acting graciously, pretending we had no issues was what I did best. Until finally, I had to "complain", or rather I had to speak up. I had had my share of disrespect. This most recent quarrel wasn't a demonizing attack, it was a Enough is enough! But never did I ever expect that my standing up to her would make the problems this bad. Is it that it has to be a superficial relationship or nothing at all?

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:42 PM on Aug. 29, 2009