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What about the birth father???

I was adopted as an infant and I have met my birth mother. Now all my curiousity lies in the birth father. I know his name and that is it. I wonder how to find him or if he would want to be found.


Asked by Anonymous at 7:26 PM on Aug. 30, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • BLESS all YOUR HEARTS, FOR NOT KNOWING IS SURELY WORSE THAN KNOWING...AT LEAST THEN YOU HAVE OPTIONS AND CONTROL OVER WHERE YOU WISH FOR THE RELATIONSHIP TO GO(ORNOT). Sorry for the caps, in a hurry , no time to go back;) You each have every right to know your Firstdads, if you so choose. I, as a firstmom, can see where some,firstmoms have lost track of their partner from their past. However for those that have not,(such as I), I would most definately help my twins with that meeting if they wished for it. I have not seen their dad for about 12 yrs now,and highly doubt if he has told his next wife, about them. Regardless, it is about the adult adoptee, and not about whether or not he has a 'new" family. It is not the twins fault he has or has not been honest in his present life. I say if you wish to know, go for it, without worries fo upsetting someone else, Blessings C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 9:41 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • I would say that it is your right to find him and request that the two of you meet. As far as if he wants to be found, you don't know until you ask. You can't control how someone responds, only how you do. So try and find him, write a letter/call, and request a time (if he is willing to meet). He may be afraid that you want more than what he is willing to offer. First be clear about what it is that you want and hope for out of this contact. Then don't expect he will want the same thing too. If he does that is wonderful and if he wants less be willing to accept that and start off slow. If he wants no contact, and you want some, leave your information and one day he may find himself calling. People are complex and nothing is simple. Take it one small step at a time.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:38 PM on Aug. 30, 2009

  • Have you "googled" him? Do you know where he lived when you were born? Your birth mother lost touch with him?

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 8:39 PM on Aug. 30, 2009

  • I know how you feel. I was adopted when I was a toddler and have met my BM. I would love to talk to my BF but I know he was in the process of reconciling his marriage and had other kids (when I was born). He knew about me, and wanted me but he didnt want me in that situation. I dont know if his family knows about me and would hate to stir up a hornets nest. I guess its just a chance you have to take. You could always write him a letter, if he wants to meet you let him take that next step.

    Answer by abbynzachsmommy at 8:42 PM on Aug. 30, 2009

  • OP, I am curious, have you asked your firstmom, to help you with the finding and meeting of your firstdad? So many times I read where the Firstmom, claims to not know where he is, or says she lost track, or it was a one night stand, In the latter reasoning, this could be an issue, but I get upset when I read about firstmoms, whom tell their adopted child/adult, that they feel it is "best to let sleeping dogs lie". This is NOT their decision, and should always be truthful with the adoptee, and help in ANY capacity they deserve only truth, and nothing less. Blessings, just curious, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 10:09 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • As birthmom I agree with the others.Do it with caution as you have been advised.I do know the bdad and while moved on with his life he now regrets his behavior at the time.I informed him when I started to search,no luck yet,he had a lot to say including an apology.He did say he was terrified because he now sees how he could have changed things and fears being hated for not caring about his child,but would welcome the chance to meet his child.I don't get involved with his worries because I carry enough of my own.He is married and has children.I tell you this not to say we are all alike but that even selfish,thoughtless a**holes can mature and grow up.So I think it is worth a cautious try.


    Answer by Anonymous at 11:50 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • I am a birthmom and I did inform the bdad when I started to search,no luck yet, he had a lot to say including an apology for not taking responsibility so it could have been different.He is married with children.He said he is terrified because he is worried about being hated but still would welcome the chance to know his child.I think you should follow the wise advice you have been given by these other moms.I only tell you about the birthdad in my story so you will know that even selfish, thoughtless a**holes can grow up and mature.Not all do ;but to my shock a while back some do .It is worth a cautious shot.


    Answer by Anonymous at 12:03 PM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • sorry my computer blipped and I thought my first answer was lost.Sorry for the repeat

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:06 PM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • Since you have his name you should find a search angel in your state. Just google. As far as whether or not he'll want to be found, you'll never know until then. I know several birth fathers who really care about their adoptee children and have the same feelings as birth mothers do about their reunion. But, I know them from my adoption support group so that's to be expected. You might want to find an adoptee support group to ask other adoptees about their experiences. Here's a link to a good one:


    Answer by onethentwins at 9:19 PM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • OTT, Is this group link above, strictly for adoptees, or can anyone join and learn about their experiences, and journies? Blessings,. C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:10 PM on Sep. 2, 2009