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Mommas w/ kids very close in age... what would YOU do....

my kids have pretty much been raised like twins. they've done EVERYTHING together from potty train to learn to write their names... I often forget they're a year apart. A few things (like karate, and a cooking class) my daughter was actually too young for, but since she is so mature and would simply mimic her brother, the instructors allowed her in too. Now my son has the chance to join our towns brand new children's choir this fall and they have a non negotiable age cut off... so she cannot come. what do I do, let him go and then she has to tag along for all his thanksgiving and xmas recitals? it seems cruel... to her. But fair to him. How do I make this transition without one or the other needing therapy someday?


Asked by hibbingmom at 3:25 AM on Aug. 31, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (10)
  • I have 3 close in age (they are 15 months and 13 months apart) and I would definitely let the oldest do the choir. As great as it is that they are close and do things together it is good for them to have their separate things. It started for my kids when my oldest was 3/4 and started getting invited to her best friend's house to play. My son was always jealous but got over it.
    It's not unfair to the younger one. She will be old enough to join in another year. Find something else fun for her to do on her own in the mean time.
    My oldest daughter has gotten to do a lot of fun things that the other kids haven't gotten to do and it is fine. She's the oldest and that's what happens with age restricted activities.

    Answer by justanotherjen at 8:02 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • they need to be a little independent so yes it would be good for them to separate a little. They are opposite genders so eventually they will have less in commen but still be friends for life! Let them develop their own interests too!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:40 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • Hi. My kids are 15 months apart, and they, like yours, did a lot of stuff together, in a lot of ways almost like they were twins. Now they're 15 and 16, btw.

    Honestly, I think you need to let your ds do this. You say to your dd that you know she wants to do this, but you have to be __ old. Brother is __ old, so he gets to do it. When she's __ old, then she can, too. Don't make out like it's a bad thing, or be overly sympathetic about it - just be matter of fact about it. Your attitude about it will go a long way towards influencing hers. Also, then find something that she can do, or, if there's nothing for her age group, make a big deal about how you and she can now go and have special "girl time" or "mommy daughter time" while he's at practice.

    Take her for an ice cream, or to go get her nails painted, or something fun that she would like, or let her help you make dinner on practice nights, etc.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:40 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • cont

    Believe me, it's a very good thing, even if they were twins, to encourage them to have their own different interests and activities. They can still do things together sometimes, and still be close, but it helps them develop into individuals.

    My kids are now 15 (my dd) and 16 (my ds), and they are still very close and share a lot of the same friends and many of the same interests, but they're still secure enough to pursue their own interests, and support each other in it.

    Besides, look at it this way, if you don't let him do it, then HE'S going to resent HER, because honestly, he IS older than she is, and it IS fair that he not have to wait for her to be old enough to do something just because she isn't old enough yet. (Will you say he can't drive when he's 16, because she can't yet, or vote, or etc, until she can?)

    It's good for her to start learning this lesson now in a gentle way, than later when it's harder.

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:45 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • This happened to a friend of mine, her girls where a littl older though. She took her oldest DD aside and told her that her little sis couldn't join her girl scout troop. She then asked if she would be willing to wait for her sister to reach the required age, (which was bout 6 months away) so they could go together. She made sure her DD knew it was 100% ok if she didn't want to wait though! Her DD decided to wait, she didn't mind. She would rather her sister join with her then have to join at different times.
    On the other hand, they'll have to get used to this when school starts. SO maybe this could be a good way to introduce them to different activities for a while. Its up to you momma!

    Answer by katzmeow726 at 7:11 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • I don't see why anybody would need therapy one day :-D but I think it would be okay. Just so HE can get something just for himself and maybe you can find something special for her to do without him. My youngest DD is so dependent on my oldest that when she gets to do something on her own, she's too shy. When my oldest goes to school, we go to a play group but she doesn't make friends because she's too shy and she'll stay by me. (My oldest was completely the opposite of that - she can make friends in 5 minutes, best friends in 10!). So I think a little independent activity may do them some good.

    Answer by Blubuni99 at 8:30 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • My son is 9 and my daughter is 8 - I would let your son do the choir. If your daughter asks, just tell her that she has to be X years old. As they grow older, they are going to have different interests, it's good and it's healthy. The can be close without being dependent on each other.

    Answer by missanc at 8:35 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • I think it is great that your son is doing choir. I think it is good for the kids to have separate activities. Why not look for an activity your daughter could do- like swim, gymnastics, dance.... and encourage her to develop an interest separate from her brother? Then when she is practicing or giving a performance he can be the 'tag along' and watch her. Explain to them that they are getting older and it is ok for them to do different things and have different interests, they don't always have to do the same thing at the same time.

    Answer by MizLee at 10:35 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • I would not punish your son because your daughter is too young. Next year she can participate. It might be nice for him to have something she is not involved with.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:04 AM on Aug. 31, 2009

  • My boys are 13 months apart. They are close, sometimes wear the same things, do the same activities. BUT they are different people. It is not fair to hold one back just because it seems unfair to the other, life is not fair. Tell her she can join next year, and let your older one live his life.

    Answer by salexander at 12:18 PM on Aug. 31, 2009