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How to handle a divorce I don't want to get?

4 months ago I made a HUGE mistake and cheated on my husband while out of state for work. I told him immediately and we were trying to make it work. I ended up quitting my job and moving back to try and make it work. He just recently said he realized he wants to be on his own and experience life without being married. He said that he can't get over the image he has in his head. I don't know what to do. All I do is cry. While I am cooking, cleaning, playing with our son. I made such a big mistake and I want to get him back, I don't want to lose our family. If I can't figure it out I will be moving with the baby out of state to work. He says he won't go to counseling. Anyone have any advice? And btw I know I am a terrible person.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:16 AM on Sep. 1, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • He needs time, as much as you are hurting...he is hurting more (sorry, not trying to sound rude) but he has been betrayed in his eyes and doesnt know how to handle it yet. Just give him time, if its going to work out than it will...if not you cant force it. However I dont think its a great idea to move back to were ever it is you cheated on him, he will just be wondering if you did it again and he will never trust you..
    Mikayla_lynn

    Answer by Mikayla_lynn at 1:20 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • You're not a terrible person, you're just a person. You can tell, 'cause persons make mistakes --it's one of the key attributes.

    Take a look for the book Divorce Busters.

    It is not entirely up to you, because of course what your husband is and is not willing to put up with is up to him... but you can rebuild a marriage after trauma. And, only one of you has to do the work (that'd be you...)

    One part of the problem may well be that happily married people do not, even out of state, screw around. So... it wasn't THAT great before you went a'travelling, yes?
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 1:25 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • You're not a terrible person. You're human. You had a moment of weakness. I'm not saying that it's okay, or that he should automatically forgive you. But no matter what any of the awful trolls on this site say to you, you're not a terrible person.

    That said, both of you deserve happiness. I'm sure he's torn up about this too, but if he really can't get over it, he needs to move on. Could you really be happy knowing that he was miserable? No. So it's best for both of you, and your son, if he really can't get over it, to move on. There are many ways to make a family, and you will all still be a family. Just because you're not together doesn't mean you can't both be parents. You can make this work.

    Also, deep down, you're probably also unhappy on some level in this relationship, or else the affair never would have happened. Ask yourself what you really want. And then ask for some time for both of you to CONT
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 1:27 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • think about it before filing for divorce.

    You'll get through this, mamma. you're stronger than you think.
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 1:28 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • IF HE DOESNT WANT TO STAY, HE MAY CHEAT IN THE FUTURE IF HE IS FORCED TO STAY. NOT THAT YOU'RE FORCING HIM, BUT EVEN IF YOU GUYS TRY TO PUT THIS BEHIND YOU, THE TOPIC MAY BE BROUGHT UP IN THE FUTURE WHICH YOU DON'T WANT...
    MyBabyScar

    Answer by MyBabyScar at 1:33 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • Mistake one in my opinion is that you told him. If you wanted to stay together that was too much of a burden on him. But you can't go back now. I would give him time and maybe he'll eventually want to be with you. Although in the end you might have accept that he can't get past the fact that you cheated.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:37 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • i know what you're feeling..i just went through the same thing..only we are togehter now happily..not forced happiness..real happiness.i cheated on my husband about 2 months ago..he found out via one of his friends..he was crushed. i cannot believe i let a piece ofass get in the way of my family,i know how you're feeling. and my husband said the same thing as yours..he couldnt get the image out of his head..:( it made me fel terrible. i still feel guilty for what i did. but he was certain he wanted to expirience life on his own just as you said your husband said..he wanted a divorce. i cried for days. i seen all of our life together flash before my eyes.i wrote him a 5 page letter teling him how much he meant to me and how sorry i was and i "relived" our momentous moments of ourr relationship in this letter..he read it and i thnk that had a huge deal to do with him attempting out marriage again. i began by taking..CONT..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:43 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • cont..the slack up for him. i took over doing half of what he did..as in helping out with his work so he could sleep in longer..rubbing his neck,feet and head. being there fo rhim whenver he needed something..sure it sounds like i was walked on but i felt he deserved the world..and so no i odnt and still dont feel walked on. you shouldnt eiether. let him depend on you for a change. do what i did write him. actions speak louder than words so always show him your love. you are not terrible but accept wjat you did and make it better for him. for weeks i was greeted with "hi cheater" :( i deserved it. but now its not even mentioned anymore.its a long hard road but prove to him you want him and only him. i was very lucky that i have such an awesome husbandand man in my life.i will spend every moment loving him harder.try the note..it may do the trick. best of luck
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:49 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • You are not a terrible person. I think telling him was a horrible mistake. What was the purpose of that? I'm sorry but that's just an unnecessary thing to do. If you felt guilty you should have told a priest/preacher or dear diary but that is water under the bridge. It's just a sit and wait thing now. Statistics show men don't forgive women as often as women forgive men (sorry but that's what I read) but he may be a forgiving man in the end. I will say that i also read that marriages are stronger when they do decide to work it out so if he does forgive then learn the lesson well.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:02 AM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • OP here, thank you everyone for being so supportive. I wrote a letter and now I am just trying to be patient and see what happens, Again thank you all.
    Renee21

    Answer by Renee21 at 1:28 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

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