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talking back

My little girl won't be twelve till october 17th and she walks away when I talk to her I really can't get the argumentative attitude she has in her. She doesnt like when people make fun of her so she gets this I'm gonna beat them up attitude. I threatened her yesterday with a place I can take her to where they lock kids up and take away thier shoes and things,I', really bummed out with her and the husband thinks counseling wouldnt help. I really need help ladies what WILL work with her before I run into anymore trouble.. Another incident that occured at school today was a shirt that says sexy on it and dd for double d bras,the school said it wasnt appropriate so I had to go give her a change of clothes, she said she was gonna wear it to school anyways I told her I would burn it before that happened. I couldnt take the shirt back and replace it cause the tag got ripped. But the point is my daughter talks back, Help Please!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:06 PM on Sep. 1, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (11)
  • smack her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:07 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I need advice that doesnt involve beating my child up!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:10 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • It kinda sounds like she needs to be grounded or even spanked... Thats what my neighbors do to theirs(12 and 13 yrs old)if not they are gonna do what ever they want. And they need to respect your kid is still under your roof and either way you are the mom. Sorry if this is not the best mine are still little and punishment is taking stuff away and priveledges.

    Answer by Skurvy at 3:24 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I hate to say it, but you have to "hit 'em where it hurts".

    Find the one thing your daughter can't "live without" and remove it for a week. Everytime she wises off, add a day and tell her so. Keep track of the days. And stick to it, don't cave and give it back early or she'll just wise off over and over cause she knows she will get her way eventually anyway.

    My elder son is that age and wises off and refuses to do (or procrastinates or "loses") his homework frequently.

    After "lost" homework twice in the same week, I helped him organize and then laid the hammer down. Since his work was now easy to find and keep track of, no more excuses. He had two strikes. The next strike, he lost ALL computer time unless it was directly related to a homework assignment for one week. For each "lost" assignment after that, I was adding a week. (He's pulled this stunt for years, repeatedly and I'm done being the Nice Mom about it.)

    Answer by geminilove at 6:02 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • As for the clothing, it's probably going to be a battle - but you're the mom and as long as you have the purse strings, don't buy it if you don't want her wearing it. Period. If she's buying her stuff herself, then maybe her shopping trips need to be monitored until she shows better judgement. (As a teen girl, she won't want her mom shopping with her, so maybe a lil embarrassment is what it takes.)

    I wish I had better advice, but clothes was actually never a fight I had with my mom growing up, though many of my friends did.

    Answer by geminilove at 6:05 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I have peanut butter jars on the mantle for each kid. Every time they do something good, they get pennies. 13 yo gets 13 pennies, 6 yo - 6, 4 yo - 4. Brush teeth, brush hair, make bed, pick up dirty clothes, go to bed on time, take a bath, each subject they finish in school for the day (we homeschool), each chore they do, pick up toys, extra things to help around the house, etc. 13 pennies does not sound like a lot, but at the end of the day, it adds up. I use bullet magnets with smiley face stickers on them. A different color for each kid. Each am, I give them pennies for every smiley face they got the day before. During the day, they can lose pennies for things also. Arguing with each other, hitting, kicking, screaming, lying, back talk, disobedience, etc. In the heat of the moment, they don't care that they are losing pennies, but on Sunday am, I add it all up & pay them, they care. The pennies go in my cup & start over.

    Answer by Leslie2164 at 8:20 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • Smack her? Yeah, that's really helpful. Don't think so. No offense but that's a really STUPID answer. My daughter is almost 12 and she gets in these moods, especially since just starting 6th grade, where she says and does mean things to her bro and sis, taunting them just for the hell of it. I tell her she better knock it off because I don't think it's cool at all and if the kids at school do that then they aren't people she needs to hang with anyway. When she talks back to me, which is more often than I appreciate, well I just tell her, do I talk that way to you? No? Then why on earth do you get all snippy with me? Yeah, makes her stop and think. Every time this happens, I say the same thing, and it has been working. She still talks back, but all kids do this, especially at this age, when they are starting to want more independence, unfortunately it's not the best way to go about getting what they want, is it?

    Answer by chavela_carlita at 10:30 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I always had clothes battles, well wars really, with my mom, but I never wanted to wear anything inappropriate. Like short shorts, or halter tops, when I was very young. I did like midriff baring shirts tho...but everything was a battle with my mom, if I wanted to wear torn jeans, she gave me shit. If I wanted to wear baggy jeans, she gave me shit. She was constantly on my case about everything I wanted to wear...anyway, so far I don't have clothes issues with my girls, and I hope I don't have to go thru clothes wars with either of them. Let her know she can wear certain things AFTER school, but she has to comply with the school and go according to their dress code. Point out to her that most businesses have dress codes, too, and she won't be able to wear whatever she wants once she has a job either. Maybe that will help her come around and be more reasonable. Good luck and write any time!

    Answer by chavela_carlita at 10:34 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I agree you have to explain that she has to comply with school rules. I have this issue with my kids - they don't allow flip flops in school, so even if we do (and I wouldn't care if they wear them to school) they must obey the school rule. Keep an eye on her in the morning to be sure she is appropriately dressed, and explain that on weekends etc. she can dress as she pleases (or decide on other limits).

    In general, they all seem to talk back or walk away at this age. Most times, I don't make a big deal of it - but for sure, it has to be within reason (no foul language, but a few eye rolls never killed anyone!). And eventually they need something - before you do it, explain that life is a two way street - she can't expect things from you (or anyone) if she doesn't treat them with respect. You can disagree, but respectfully. At times, if you see the attitude, warn her 'if you continue' and set a punishment.

    Answer by PhillyinFrance at 5:33 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • Not sure why dh is convinced counselling won't help --has he tried it?

    You could take a look at the book _How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk_, as it has a wealth of excellent advice for communicating with kids.

    I think she's communicating pretty clearly, though. You may not like the message (and I'm sure the school hates it), but it sounds to me like 'I don't have sufficient personal freedom of expression.' Kinda awkward, with her living the US where it's a right.

    When she talks back, what do you do? I wonder if you listen for what she's really trying to tell you --or if her bid to point out that you're not the most powerful person in her world (because she is) is so disorienting to you that you 'snap' and stop listening to her entirely. A key sign that you're not listening is that your volume increase. If you find yourself shouting, you can be sure she isn't feeling heard.


    Answer by LindaClement at 1:42 PM on Sep. 30, 2009

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