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Is anyone a Step Mom and absolutely hates it?

I'm a stepmom and I absolutely hate it. We found out that my husband had a child from a previous encounter when we were only a year and a half into our marriage. Had we not already been married I would have left. I never wanted to be a SM and I never ever would have married a man with kids. Never! My SD is a brat and her mom is a huge 8itch. Paying Child support sucks! I end up paying most of the bills. My son goes without because of the damn Child support and I can't government assistance because there is too much money in our household however they don't account for the $600 that goes out the door. Does anyone have any advice to cope with this. This is not how I wanted my life.

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:05 PM on Sep. 1, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (21)
  • I am a step mom and I hate it. My stepson is 11 and ADHA/ODD. Now that is not a big deal in itself,but his mother does nothing and refuses to see he needs help. I make sure he goes to the therapist and gets his meds refilled. I have meetings with the school to make sure everything is being handled properly. As much as I love my hubby he too is ADD and can't handle the behavior problems with his son without flying off the handle. So again, all on me. If I could do it again there is a good chance I would not have married him. And no I did not realize it was going to be like this when I got in, SS was only 2 when we got together.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:21 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I can relate to part of it!
    I hate being a SM - it's awful sometimes. The BM causes more drama than anything else in our lives, always has and probably always will. I am an evil vindictive person according to some since I secretly wish for the day BM gets hit by a bus and dies. Then yes, I'll have to raise SD, but it's better than having SD poisoned against her father. BM thinks she should move here and baby-sit my children so I can get a job and she can get higher CS. All because we won't buy 3 airline tickets for her, SD, and BM's mom to come out for visitation - we only pay for SD!

    Gov. Assistance does account for court ordered child support though. You may need to re-check with your local office and talk to someone more knowledgable.

    Also, just a note of caution - you're going to get some nasty comments to this, some BMs hate all SMs and think we're all evil for complaining about paying CS....

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:22 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • do you remember the vows you said to your husband??

    does FOR BETTER AND FOR WORSE ring a bell in your head?


    Answer by Anonymous at 4:28 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I don't care for it...It's mainly b/c his mothers a bitch and tries to make our life miserable. but we don't see his kid that much...and I don't really care. When he is over, its very uncomfortable. but whatever...I also hate paying the CS but again, far as coping with it, countdown to 18!!! We have 6 years left....I don't mind the kid but I would rather not be involved if I can help it. Granted I have a stepfather who is wonderful but it's only b/c My dad was killed when I was young. If the mother wasn't in the picture I guess it would be a different story. I know it's not the kids fault. But I would rather not have a stepchild...mainly due to the freakin money that flies out the door every month, knowing that it's just being gambled and drank anyway. I feel your pain. And ANON 1:28...get over yourself.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:33 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • My daughter married a man who had two kids and her life has been a living hell ever since. I warned her and pleaded with her until the day she got married. My daughter and her husband fight all the time. She has left him several times and come home to me and her father. My granddaughter (age 2) get's beat up on by his 6 year old. His kids don't get disciplined because they are poor children of divorce. The BM gets into their business all the time. I hate that my daughter is a SM and all I can do is cry for her becuase it's a raw deal. She does everything for those kids and get's treated like a second rate citizen in her own home. It's horrible.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:34 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • So ANON 4:28.... is she just supposed to suffer because she married a man with kid? What about the vows he took for her?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:39 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • Boy That would make me mad as hell. I was also the kind to never want to marry a man that had kids. I married my husband who had an 18 yr old but she was out of the house, child support was done. If she were a kid I would have never married him. Now with that said let me say one thing.
    If he were to have a child drop out of the sky and suddenly had cs to pay, I'd make sure it was paid. I'd make sure there was visits, even though our house is so small my son sleeps with me and dad on the couch, there would still be visits. I'd be on top of everything and make sure the kid was treated right. Yes I'd harbor anger, but I'd get counseling and show bio mom my bite is bigger then hers. That would suck and I feel for you but you gotta pull it together for the sake of family and work it out. Good luck!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:49 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I do hate being a step mom. I treat my five year old stepdaughter just like i will when my daughter is born. but her dad says i need to let her be a five year old little girl when i ask her to pick up her toys that she left out, or when we are talking she will come up and sit there and say daddy daddy over and over again and getting louder each time. I figure five years old is old enough to start learning to pick up after yourself and you can start learning that you need to wait your turn to talk. but if i say anything against it im the bad person because her bio mom is a bitch and doesn't treat her right. Her mom violates court orders left and right like she believes that the law doesn't apply to her. and my SD has to get up at 4 30 every morning just about to go over to her babysitters house because mom has to go to work and then doesn't get home till like 8 or 9 o clock at night when it is time to go to bed again.cont....

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:00 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I hate it too!!! I hate it more than I've ever hated anything. I can't, don't and will never love my SS. BB is a bitch! SHe's made our life hell. SS is a brat...he's made our life hell. I don't care! My husband can visit his son, have a relationship with his son but I don't have too. I hate it too and it feels so good to say it. I disengaged. My husband does not mind anymore. We don't fight anymore. I'm sorry but no one should have to live the way that I was just because your spouse has a kid with someone else. My DH and BB were never married so I'm not sure if that made things more complicated or not. But just because my DH had a kid with someone else does not mean that my life should stop, be difficult or that my daughters and my life be compromised. Good luck to you! I'm sorry and I know it's very hard. Don't ever listen to that "you knew" bull $hit! That's just a cop out for those who have nothing constructive to say.

    Answer by mrsmendoza2006 at 5:03 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I mean I can understand how he wants her to have fun and want to come over here all the time...but he needs to be her dad not her friend which is what he is doing...and he says he is not going to let anyone tell him how to raise his children. well what is going to happen when my daughter gets older and she is having to clean her room when shes told and not throw a fit about it and when she is told no the first time she is going to get into trouble if she keeps asking, and she sees her half sister getting away with all this...she is going to think we are playing favorites...well daddy is and i can't discipline my SD because her dad doesn't want to deal with her bio mom trying to start anything...which she has already tried once and got the car door shut in her face and the window rolled up on her. I guess its not that i hate being a step mom i guess its just that it gets very frustrating really fast.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:04 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

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