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Is it really reasonable to ask your DH to do half of the child care if you both work?

For some reason, he thinks 50% is unfair. ??

We both work. I work at home and watch the kids all day. When he comes home, I still do all of the childcare. All. While he has a 2-3 hour guitar practice, a workout, and then reads on the internet.

Also, he did not want to have kids, it was "my idea", although obviously he did agree.

I recently asked him to do "more", and then to do "half". So far he has changed a couple of diapers, done some meals, baths, bedtime, etc. But the only totally alone time I have had was 1 hour at the library 2 Sundays ago. He feels he is improving because he watched our dd(7 yrs) while I took our ds(2 yrs) shopping. To me, I still did not get any alone time! But, because he didn't either, he feels like he was "watching the kids" and it should "count". WTF! Isn't it reasonable to want time for myself, the same amount as he gets, and for him to do the same amount of parenting as I do?

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Asked by Luna_Mama at 5:48 PM on Sep. 1, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (23)
  • Yes and to me that's how it should be. This isn't 1960! He helped make the baby he can help with the baby! A lot of guys don't and to me they are shitty for it, they might give their kids attention but when it comes to doing something for them they hand them over, how shitty!

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:50 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • yes
    if he does not want to do half of child care...let him do more of your chores to even it out

    Answer by boredmom44 at 6:00 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • It is definitely reasonable for you to ask him to share in the child care. I'm very lucky my husband realizes somewhat how hard it is to be a SAHM, and considers it a job as well. He used to joke about me "not doing anything all day," but I told him that hurt my feelings and he doesn't do that any more. I unfortunately don't have any good advice on how to get him to see things from your perspective. He can't expect you to do everything. I can tell you what I would do myself - I would probably stop doing his laundry, stop cleaning anything that is his or doing anything for him like making him dinners or lunches until he decides to contribute.

    Answer by kikikiki at 6:06 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • yup.. dh knows if one day we cannot manage me being a SAHM that he will start to be responsible for more stuff like laundry/dishes/cooking.. ect.ect... 50/50 baby!

    Answer by MommaTasha1003 at 6:13 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • even as a SAHM I expect 1/2 of his free time to be kid related. I don't expect him to do 1/2 total. but 1/2 of when he is home. then when he is at work that is my work time too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:20 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • I don't think you're asking for too much time. Now since the time is a problem the money is becoming a problem which is the norm in this stuff. Hopefully u guys can work something out if not next it's going to be divorce court. Yes we need time out for ourselves and adult time and interaction. Especially when we are young moms.

    Answer by milmiracle at 6:21 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • Tell him he doesn't want to share equal parts in the child care (which he should have to considering he shared equal parts in making them!) then he needs to take on more of the housework so you can take care of the kids. SO and I both work but he shares the kid duties with me and the house work too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:37 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • Nope. You definitely have a right to ask him to help you out.

    Now how much he can help out does depend on how much he works. Obviously if he's putting in 80 hour work weeks, then he won't be able to help out.

    My suggestion is to tell him (not ask) that you are going somewhere for the evening or during the day on a Saturday. Where doesn't matter. You could go out with friends, or go shopping or just to the grocery store alone. Then leave him with the kids and do what you told him you were going to do.

    Answer by Cavalrybaby02 at 6:38 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • Generally, yes I do. However, you knew he didn't want kids to begin with, and I bet if you ask him he gave in because he felt pressured.

    He did start doing more. Wanting 50% from someone who didn't want kids at all is asking a bit much. You got a break, you only had to take one kid shopping. Sorry, but I'm with him it does count. He did more, you did each had one kid so that's a 50/50 split.

    As for your "me" time, do what other mothers do. You either get up before the kids or do something after they have gone to bed. You hire a sitter and have a girl's night out with your friends.

    How was he before kids? When you were discussing having kids, how was it decided that child care would be split up? If you didn't discuss it, then that was a mistake. If you did, and it was decided you would handle most of the childcare, then you knew it was going to be like this.

    If you didn't discuss it at all, dumb.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:40 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

  • Yes, this is reasonable, but remember, most men AREN'T reasonable.

    Answer by Krysta622 at 6:41 PM on Sep. 1, 2009

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