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I don't understand really...

So, I'm actually in the process of miscarrying as I write this, and it's been a harrowing experience for the past month.

DF and I were at odds in regards to this pregnancy ((the outcome)) he wanted me to abort or adopt, and I wanted to no matter what keep the baby.

Through the past month, DF and I have talked a lot about parenthood as can be expected, and he said that even though he loves my daughter, he's unsure of wether or not he ever really wants kids..

So, this afternoon, as I was laying in my bed crying and cramping, I decided I never want to go through this again. I have a kidney disease which puts me at an extremely high risk for miscarriage and this is not my first.

I have the option at my OB's office for the fallopian tube inserts which block them completely making it obviously impossible to get pregnant.

When I told DF that I wanted to do that after I recovered, he flipped telling me -c-

Answer Question
 
gabrielle_x

Asked by gabrielle_x at 12:50 AM on Sep. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Level 13 (957 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • that nothing would upset him more than that and that I if I did, he wouldn't be as interested in being with me.

    I'm really quite...baffled. I asked him if we tried and I could never carry a baby to term if he'd feel the same way and he said no.

    So, basically, he would rather me try and miscarry, and try and miscarry, repeat until I hit menopause opposed to me never having to go through this pain again..

    I'm a little confused as to why he feels the sudden change of heart so suddenly. This isn't the first time we've gone through this, and in his world it won't be the last.

    I feel angry that he wanted to impose his will on my body suggesting that I abort against my moral wishes, and now wants to say that I have to go through this again..

    I know it's not guaranteed that I'll miscarry, but it's highly likely..it's even more likely that my daughter was nothing more than a fluke!

    So..any advice or input at all??
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 12:54 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • I think that the two of you need to sit down and have a long, long talk. He told you that he is unsure if he even wants kids...why, exactly, should you continue to go through this until he makes up his mind?

    On another note, are you not on birthcontrol? If this has happened multiple times, then you should look into birthcontrol, or condoms, until he can make up his mind, to avoid further miscarriages for no reason.

    Take him with you to your next doctors appointment, and make sure that the doctor explains, in full, all of the health risks associated with multiple miscarriages. If he still insists that you not get your tubes tied at that point, then I would do it anyways, because that is pure selfishness on his part.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 12:58 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • i think its a matter of never having the chance to have kids with u if you go through with the proceudre. right now he told u to abort because he does not feel ready for the responsiblity of a child but u telling him that u want this procedure done and that he may never have children with you is completely different.....maybe in the future he will want to have children and doesn't want to rule out the possibility completely...he just isn't ready right now, though he shouldn't try to force u into abortion either. he may not be ready now but that baby inside of u is ur child none the less. i too am against abortion
    fay101

    Answer by fay101 at 1:00 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • This pregnancy was off of birth control ((and I assure you I will be switching pills)).

    My prior miscarriages happened at the beginning of our relationship when I was getting used to being back on the pill and was careless, and then when I was married.
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 1:02 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • Fay, I'd agree with you if he hadn't said even when I wasn't pregnant, that having a biological child was irrelevant to him.

    If it happened, great! And if it didn't, than no big deal.
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 1:04 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • if you were in the process of miscarrieng and you KNEW about it what I dodnt understand is why you didnt rush to the doctor they could have stopped the loss of the baby or ATLEAST tried...if you really wanted to baby why would you just let your baby slip away like that?
    hug4akiss

    Answer by hug4akiss at 1:25 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • WOW hug4akiss..

    Guess who spent the greater part of last night at the hospital!

    That would be me. Guess who wanted and loveS this baby more than anything on this planet with the exception of my daughter, THAT would be me also.

    I've made post after post because this pregnancy has been so harrowing and this..valiant soldier that I lost passed away because they couldn't fight anymore.

    I've been told thrice that they were going..
    Once on August 4th, Once on August 15th and once on August 31st.

    The baby lived to see August 5th and August 16, but September was the final straw.

    I went to the hospital at 2pm on the 31st with light cramping and spotting and was then told that my hormone levels had dropped 100 points in the past almost 2 weeks when they're supposed to double every 2-3 days and to go home and rest.

    I woke up at 5am on the 1st because I was laying in a small puddle of cold blood, went
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 1:58 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • to the bathroom and dropped about 3 golf ball sized clots. By 6 am I'd passed the placenta.

    The baby was gone. There was nothing I could do about and again, since I live about 30 minutes away from the hospital, there would've been no hope anyways! Hell if I lived IN the hospital, at that point what would you have them do?

    GOD! Do people even think?
    gabrielle_x

    Answer by gabrielle_x at 2:00 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • Okay honey you're getting a little nutty. I wouldn't make any major decisions until after this is over. you're stress and hormonal and going through an extremely though emotional time. I would sit down with my SO and talk about our expectations, plans for the future, what our ideal world would look like. Make sure you're on the same page and want to move forward in your life with him. Good luck in whatever you do.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:30 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • I have had 5 miscarriages that I know of, possibly more. They are difficult to go through but you just have to keep focused on the child you have. I have 4 wonderful children, 3 of which are miracles. Why are you getting pregnant over & over by a man that has not married you yet? His comment about having or not having a child sounds like he is simply saying that a child takes second place to being with you. As long as he is married to you then it doesn't matter if you have another child or not but at the same time he does not want to prevent it from happening. With all the medical technology & medications today, maybe you should get a second opinion with your kidney disease & pregnancy issues. Find out if there is anything that could help with carrying the baby full term. Also INSIST on having your blood checked for a blood disorder.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:32 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

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