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How do you deal with being nice to someone who hates you...and I mean really hates....?

Its a step mom / bio mom situation...
me being the step mom..and raising her kids. They flat out tell me how much their mom hates me. and how much she tells them to hate me etc...yet she still acts really nice to my face.thanking me for such a wonderful job im doing..
I am having a hard time dealing with being true to myself...I mean HATE FAKE people.. yet I have to be one of those to their mother... It makes me feel icky to be nice to such a monster of a person! I asked step daughter why is she doing this..and she said i guess she is just trying to confuse you..hhaha..that came from a 7 yr old!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:50 AM on Sep. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • r u sure that it's not the kids manipulating the situation? I'd sit down and talk with the mom and tell her what is being said and that if there's a problem you 2 need to work it out. If she denies any wrongdoing, I'd make sure that the kids know that what they are saying is wrong (if they are lying about it) other than that, I'd keep doing my best, say thanks and go on about my life.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 10:53 AM on Sep. 2, 2009


    Answer by ashley_nick30 at 10:53 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • First of all. If I do not like a person, I try not to be around them.
    If it bothers you that much. Sit down with here and talk about it.

    Answer by louise2 at 10:55 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • OP--thanks.. well i wish we were dealing with a normal rational adult but we are not! I know the kids arent telling stories because i have been rasing them the past years.. sd is finally just getting tired of getting bullied by her mom to hate me. i have tried to talk to her and she either hangs up and screams at me like a child..or she will send me an email about how she loves that my kids love their stepmom..haha..its just BS and lies...and i cant tell the mom about it because sd finally trusted me enough to talk to me about this.. i dont want to break her trust with me...dont know what to do..

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:00 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • op-past 5 years sorry!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:00 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • I have been in this situation, but mine may be a bit different. See i married a man that had two children, two different moms. And for the longest time the mother of the middle child hated me with a passion!, BUT...after the break up with my dh, me and that BM started talking one day on the street and we finally figured out what was going on, turns out that the dh was telling me things about the BM, i was saying my opinion, and instead of keeping it to himself..he went and told her what i had said, with of course leaving out WHY i had said it. So i think that perhaps talking to the BM would be a good idea. Good luck!

    Answer by Lanie_momofone at 11:18 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • First of all, how do you know the kids are telling the truth?  Don't underestimate the power children have to manipulate.

    Secondly, even if this is true, why let it worry you?  The important thing, is that she is civil when you have to interact with her, making life a lot less stressful for everyone involved.


    Answer by beeky at 11:25 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • I agree with beeky, I also hate fake people, but there are times when it serves a purpose. If she is civil, it makes life less stressful, and you have the heads up about how she really feels. Try not to ask the kids questions, like why is their mom doing this. In fact, if possible just be non-commital. If they say she says something try to limit your response to polite remarks and re-direct the conversation. They shouldn't be involved in this, and if she is saying those things they'll remember who said what.....& who didn't. I went through something similar with my oldest son, & tried not to retaliate or involve one point as a teen, he told his bio-dad "You know, I know what you said and did, & I know what my mom said and did, & she didn't do or say any of the things you say she did so just cut the crap!"

    So it may seem like you need to do something now, but sometimes not doing anything is the best thing to do!

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:38 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • I'd just tell the kids "I'm sorry she hates me. I don't hate her". That teaches them how to deal with it when they get in school and kids start that "hating" crap. Sounds like bio mom is immature and really jealous. My x's current wife is the age of our youngest dd (30). He's been with this wife since she was a teen. She hates me. I don't really know why since I do not want him back. She is so sweet to my face and stabs me in the back every chance she gets. I ignore her. My kids see through her and that works for me. I just smile and drive her nuts. It sounds like her kids, even at 7 can see through the mom's actions. Good for them. Just continue to make the kids happy and they will know who to love. If she keeps up the hate thing, they will worry that one day she will hate them too so it's going to bite her in the butt involving the kids in this.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:44 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • OP-Thanks ladies!!...
    Yes I have never said a bad word about their mother to them :) I am trying to stay nice and set the good example.. even though there are times when I wish I could act as childish as her lol I guess I will keep on doing the right thing..because obviously its working or she wouldnt hate me so much..right!?

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:52 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

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