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Feeling really guilty, what would you have done?

My husband has custody of his son, and my husband and I have been together since he was a year old. His mom wasn't really in the picture much, so I became mom. Well, now he has overnight visits with her on Wednesday nights. Wednesday morning I cannot get him to get ready for school for anything. We try to leave at 7:45. Monday, he was ready at 7:15, Tuesday we left earlier than normal, but he was still done 15 minutes before we left. Today, I ended up doing most of his things for him, we were still late to leave, the bell was ringing as I was dropping him off....he didn't get dressed. He went to school in PJs. Now, he is 9, and obviously capable of doing things on his own with little help or supervision. He just does this on Wednesdays, because he doesn't want to deal with going to his mom's house. I feel like a terrible mother, but I didn't know what else to do. We have a court order, and no real reason for him to dislike her

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:06 AM on Sep. 2, 2009 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • Why is he doing overnights with her on a school night? Is there any chance of getting the court order modified to have him there on a different night so it doesn't interfere with his schooling so much?
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 11:07 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • CONT..

    He just doesn't like being there and he doesn't feel like she loves him. So he does this on Wednesday mornings thinking I won't take him to school and then somehow that turns into she won't come pick him up. Then he is really jittery and nervous at school according to the teachers on Wednesdays too. I am not sure what I should have done or what I should do. Any advice?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:09 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • OP here

    She also has him Saturday into Sunday as well. She says that she can't handle two days in a row on a regular basis with him, but the courts granted her two overnights a week.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:11 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • Are you sure he doesn't have a real reason to dislike her? First of all, what child wouldn't be hurt by a mother who wasn't in his life much for a long period......that doesn't feel like love to a child. Then she is granted two overnights a week, but says she "can't handle him". I don't even like her. I think they might need some counseling, and I feel for this little boy.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:14 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • Maybe their is more going on over there thn he is letting on,
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 11:19 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • How does she act with him? Maybe she is nervous and unsure on how to parent and he is picking up on that? I wonder if he is upset that her wednesday visit upsets his routine? My son is 'set in his ways' and likes things a certain way. If there are changes that throws him off and upsets him.
    I think you and your hubby need to sit down and talk to him, and ask him what is going on and what can be done to make the situation better/easier for him.
    I don't know if this is an option or not, but maybe he should see a therapist or guidance counselor at school-- someone impartial who he can talk to about this.
    I hope you find out what is going on, and things get better
    Good luck!!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 11:28 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • The court order can ALWAYS be modified.

    Get written statements from his teachers regarding his behavior on Wednesdays, and document your own experience with him in the mornings. Take her back to court and show the judge that his Wednesday visit is effecting him at school, and it should be dropped for his own well-being.

    How does he act on the weekends? Does he try to avoid seeing his mom then too? Considering you've been his mom all this time, he's probably pretty uncomfortable, and resentful with her.
    milfalicious08

    Answer by milfalicious08 at 11:31 AM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • OP here

    I suppose I mean there is no physical reason. On the weekends, he always manages to 'get sick' at about 2, and we go over there to drop him off at 3.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:28 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • Poor kid. This lifestyle is obviously tormenting him terribly and I would seek immediate changes to this order. I think its terrible to force a child to see a non custodial parent against their will just because mom and dad couldnt "make their marriage work". He did not choose this life and its effecting him. He obviously feels safe and stable with dad and you and somethings not right. He likely resents her for not being around and likely doesnt have a real connection with her. I would document EVERYTHING, even get written statements from the teachers and possibly talk to whomever can call an emergency custody hearing (attorney, ect) and do something for this child. I wouldnt worry as much about the pajama thing as I would about his well being when hes with her. Its tearing him up and eventually you will see it in his grades and health. The mother cant handle him two nights in a row? That speaks volumes.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 12:38 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

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