Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Anybody dealing with impotence in their partner? not fixable medically?

Really I want to know if anyone is in this predictament. This type of impotence resulted from a trauma. It is not surgically , medication or anything else fixable. He just seems so cold and distant now and we had a great marriage before. Everyday at least a hug when he got home. Does your spouse display no affection to you that makes you feel like a woman and not just someone to grow old with?

What did you do to handle it ?? Or is this just the way it is now for us ?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 6:00 PM on Sep. 2, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • i wouldnt deal with that.

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 6:06 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • i dealt with a man who was not impotent but not very sexual either, but he was a ass, and was doing other crap....although I dont kno the situation entirely I would say that he ego has suffered...sadly men compare their manhood to their sexual performance..right now he's probably feeling less of a man...ur job would be to recreate what he thinks that makes him a man. talk to him, have intimate conversations just about u 2. kiss him and hug him often, let him know that sexual intimacy is more than intercourse. he's probly distant becuz he's wondering what ur thinking about him. you have to retrain his mind..i imagine it would be hard but not impossible...ur gonna desire intercourse after awhile, I would buy a dildo or vibrator..if his confidence is up by them, maybe he could use them on you..its more than one way to skin a cat,..just gotta find tha right skinner, (no pun). good luck

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:20 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • How long has it been since the accident and how long has it been sense you guys found out that it's not fixable?
    I wouldn't be surprised if your husband (and yourself) wasn't going through a grieving process. I'm sure the has a lot of fears and maybe is even afraid that you won't want to be with him, (look @ PURPULs answer), or that he feels that he's cheating you out of a sex life. It has to be horrible for him because I'm sure he still get's the urge and his body won't do what it's suposed to.

    To answer your question, my husband has occational impotence due to medications. He has a script for viagra but we don't use it becasue it's so expensive. I know it sucks but there are other ways to be intimate w/o doing the deed.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:32 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • I'm assuming you mean permanent impotence and not just ED. SO has ED and it takes a toll. Men validate themselves through their mini him. I'm ok with it. At first I thought I wasn't much of a woman bc I couldn't get him hard. He finally shared with me that his HBP was causing it not me. We work through it since he still loves sex as do I. I'd just keep telling him how much he means to you. I told mine that hard or soft he still rocks in my boat and it's taken a long time for him to realize I mean that

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:37 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • not really interested in the deed so to speak

    I just hate the fact he has pulled away, no hugs, no kisses not even that tender touch. He is just really cold. Alot of days I feel like he blames me for talking him into doing what caused the trauma. Really there wasn't a chioce at the time.

    He knows I have been thru alot and how important it is that he hug me and make sure I know he thinks of me as more than a maid and nanny to his children. I go out of my way to tell him he is still sexy. I ignore the fact he is putting on weight from the medication. I tuck him in at night and hug him and wish him sweet dreams. I try to show him that sex wasn't the only thing that made me love him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:46 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • I'm :32

    Wow, that's really a tough one! . Do you think he's depressed? Does he treat everyone differently or is it just you? What is the nature of the injury? Is it damaged equipment or damage to his pituitary gland? If his hormones are off kilter, that might explain it. It's like us going through PMS or menopause, except he doesn't know how to handle feeling hormonal.(My almost 14 year old is still working on  it, lol).

    It sounds like your doing everything you can to affirm your love and commitment to him. Have you told him that you feel that he's being cold and distant, and how it makes you feel? If my husband did that to me I would have to ask him if he actually loved me or if his only interest in me was when he could have intercourse with me. That is the only thing that changed right?

    Is counseling an option?



    Answer by Anonymous at 8:11 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • There's a HUGE difference between sex and affection. Impotence is NOT a loss of being's the loss of the ability to have sex, and that is survivable. Been doing that for a long time, ever since my husband's motorcycle accident in 2004. But he's ALIVE, and I'd rather do without sex than do without my husband, you know?

    You don't specify the trauma, but I do remember that many major surgeries, which can impact sexual function, can ALSO create personality changes. That happened to my dad. After his first bypass he became a really nasty character, only getting worse with time. My mom insisted he get help, and anti-depressants turned him around.

    Trauma would have the same effect. Talk with his doctor about the change....there is probably help available for his mental state.

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:05 PM on Sep. 2, 2009

  • first the damage is specific to the area, He did try antidepressants but like alot of gulf war vets they had psycotic side effects. Yes we tried alot of different ones the last caused hallucinations to the point he was ready to die. He is off antidepressants and the side effects and tendancies are goine.

    I wrote him a note last night 3 pages and conveyed some of the insight a few of you gave, but we haven't talked yet. He goes to work very early 4am.

    Thank you and please continue to respond because it is helping me and maybe it will help him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:10 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • My SO is suffering with impotence due to HBP. It really bothers him bc he's always validated his existence through his mini him. I make sure we still have fun at playtime. Great sex is more than 85% mental anyway so you can still be sensual and have a great time without penetration. Actually I think our sex life has more intimacy to it than ever before. It's all about attitude. You can't do much about the impotence but you can do something about the way you both react to it. Life is short. Just have fun.

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:29 PM on May. 23, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.