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Do you understand why many moms bring up the subject of coercion?

It seems obvious that many moms do not understand why some of us bring up the subject of coercive practices so often. Not everything in adoption is simple, but the reason this topic comes up so often is not complicated in the least.

Coercion is an important topic that many people do not seem to accept is real or understand. A decision that is coerced is one that may likely be regretted later on. For those of us who have experienced coercive tactics or know many others who have, we believe that this issue is important and needs to be discussed. As long as coercion in adoption continues, we will continue to talk about it and try to educate others. Coercion is one of the most important issues in adoption. I certainly will not stop talking about it because someone tells me that I should.

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Southernroots

Asked by Southernroots at 12:36 AM on Sep. 3, 2009 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,433 Credits)
Answers (34)
  • I still think coersion is alive and kicking in the adoption world.
    But I don't think I was coersed into her surrender. I freaked out and acted on that fear. I blame nobody but myself. I regret what I did and her adoption was my biggest mistake ever made.

    But I still see coersive tactics used....subtle, but still there.
    "Adoption, the loving choice"
    Calling expectant moms "selfless" for giving a "gift" to a childless couple.
    The organizations who use inflated statistics about children and poverty that put single (or unmarried but cohabitating) parenting in a foul light.
    Those who condemn a woman for daring to change her mind since she "had nine months to think about it".
    I could go on.

    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:52 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • I think it is good to accept your share of the decision. However, I think it is nearly impossible to make a valid decision if you are constantly fed misinformation, mistruths, etc. To make a solid decision, you must have complete and honest facts, and most women who relinquish do not have that.

    Whether coercion is subtle, or involves more obvious tactics, it is still wrong in any form.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:41 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • "Calling expectant moms "selfless" for giving a "gift" to a childless couple."

    You consider that coercion? Because I consider it a compliment. I'm an adoptee, and I have TREMENDOUS respect for the woman I never met because she gave me up. I don't think I could respect her more if she'd kept me.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:13 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • It's called stoking the ego, gdiamante. Make the expectant mom feel really good about what she is about to do without bothering to mention the possible aftermath after baby is gone. Pat their heads and praise them while preggo, then cast them aside and fear them once baby is born.

    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 2:32 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • Well it is coercion as a backhanded compliment is not really a compliment. It tells pregnant women that they are selfish to keep their child ,they should be giving this gift to this childless couple so the childless couple can have a child. That you as the mother of this child shows them how much you love the child by having the child adopted. These are too blanket of statements to apply to all expectant women considering adoption. It is not selfish to want to keep your child and not having your child put up for adoption is also loving nor should babiesbe gifts for childless couples.There are of course exceptions.But I understand your interpretation and the woman that gave you up is very lucky to have you think of her that way.You also are very warm.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:40 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • cont so time for bed .The whole sentence is you are very warm towards your birthmother and that is how it should be.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:46 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • I understand coercion but do you understand that it isnt a equal playing field to begin with so more than calling someone a nice name for doing something isnt going to override 99.9% of instincts to parent. Do you understand the coercion to parent if you dont want to: being told how "I could never give my child away" or "adoptees have all of these issues and you are going to create a child that hates you" and all the other terrible things.

    I believe that if there is a .01% chance that you dont want to do this, dont do it. But I dont believe simple words like telling someone that adoption is the loving choice is so coercive. It is a loving choice when you compare it to abortion and that is often what is meant too. Charity is a loving choice too but I dont give my life savings away to charity. I just give bmoms more credit than to be swayed by such simple words. If a bmom is threatened, that is different, that is coercion.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:29 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • Do you understand that women who find themselves in a position to even be considering adoptions aren't very good with decision making or fighting coercion in the first place. That is how they got pregnant. Women who understand the consequences of their actions don't lie down with dirtbags who abandon them when they announce they are pregnant.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:10 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • I do understand that some forms of coersion still exist. However, too often, I feel that birthmoms use it as an excuse to not take personal responsibility for surrendering their child.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:56 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

  • Southern, this will NOT go away, until it is understood, dealt with, changes made, and ALL confront the issue . It is obvious that some still live in an idealogical world, and will always refuse to claim their share of responsiblity. I am very sure it does still exist, and most likely will always exist in some form. With keeping coercion on the" front burner' so to speak, maybe, just maybe, it will enlighten those whom are TRULY concerned, and wish for changes. Maybe even those, ( ANON 7:10), can one day see just how rampant coercion is. By making statements like ANON 7:10, it is even more IMPORTANT to try to continue to educate on the issue. Usually comments made such as ANON 7:10's, are made out of their own experience, for how can it be any other way, unless she were actually there" lying down with dirt bags", her reply is made to inflict pain on adoptees, and their first moms, there is hope..even for ANON7:10 , C,J
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:32 AM on Sep. 3, 2009

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